Just Us

2012-01-13T16:03:00.001-08:00

I have been off today and haven't done much of anything except my exercise, I am still in in exercise shorts and haven't even brushed my teeth, well, I did just water all my plants. Both my Thanksgiving and Christmas cactus were loaded with blossoms this year and my geraniums bloom year round here. I have seen poinsettias planted in someone yards that are taller than I am. The weather here has been kind of freakishly warm, a couple of days we were close to 90. That somehow seems wrong for January. I have windows open on both ends of the house right now and there is a nice breeze blowing through. We have even slept with the windows open a few nights. Ken and Elaine are coming to visit for a few days the first weekend in February. I hope some of this nice weather is around then. They are flying in on Fri morning and back out on Mon afternoon. It will be good to see them.

I am going to make an appointment next week for Murphy to have his teeth cleaned. I think maybe he is having a hard time eating the dry cat food so we have increased his soft food by quite a bit. They have to put him under to do it and that kind of scares me but I know he needs it done. I suppose it would be like me not brushing my teeth for 11 years instead of just one morning.

We are trying to eat more healthy foods, more whole grains, less sugars and starches. I have started eating honey on my cereal in the mornings instead of sugar - I was kind of surprised at how good that is. We needed more honey so we decided to make a trip to a honey farm that is just outside of town. It was a very neat little place. I think I tested at least 10 different kinds of honey and was surprised at how much difference there is to the taste of each kind, for this trip we settled on the orange blossom, the eucalyptus was pretty tasty and, or course, the clover. What I really liked though is that they have this thing on the wall like a deep picture frame and it is a working bee hive. There is a tunnel at the bottom that leads to the outside so the bees can come and go. I think I could have watched that thing for hours.

I might have to go to court on February 7th on a shooting that happened here about 18 months ago, the same thing I had to go to LA for deposition on a few months ago. I really hope they will settle outside of court or decide they don't need my testimony because I really, really don't want to go on the witness stand. Things are going ok at work, they won't make a decision on the position I applied for in the pawn detail until March but I am pretty sure they had someone in mind when they posted the job. There is another position open in the CPU (crime prevention unit) as kind of a community liaison but I am not interested in doing that. I want something that will make my mind work and let me analyze and figure things out. I really don't do all that well relating to people. My favorite watch deputy retired the middle of last month. She is just a couple years older than I am and also an animal lover, I miss working with her. I am not sure who they are going to fill the spot with, no one seems to want it. I wish they would hurry up and do it though so we can get them trained right :).

This menopause stuff is about to wear me out. Too many ups and downs, sweating hot one minute then cold the next, mood swings, more depression than I am used to, no energy or motivation some days, it all makes me very tired. I have an appointment with the Dr in a a week or so for a general check up. I guess I need to start doing stuff like that more regularly. It is hard to believe that come March I will have 2 sisters in their 60's.

2011-09-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

We have been attending the Unitarian Universalist Chuch. Every Sunday when the kids go out to go to their class we create a Bridge of Love for them to walk under and sing these words.

How could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?

How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?

How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle?

How deeply you're connected to my soul.

The song touched me the first Sunday we attended. This last Sunday as I was thinking about the words I realized this is something we should be singing to everyone from cradle to grave.

It has been very different for me to attend a Church where there are no prayers, no sacrament, none of the rituals I am used to. There are rituals but they are non-denominational rituals. The main focus seems to be on how we are all connected to each other - the word they use is "inter-dependent". It has made me think about the purpose of organized religion. Does every religion really have a different purpose? I understand they all have a different belief system with some elements being shared among many religions - but isn't, or shouldn't, the main purpose to be to care for one another, to form a community of support and love?

I think I will always be a Mormon at heart but I am giving myself permission to try and fit into this new community that seems so welcoming and non-judgmental.

2011-08-17T13:13:00.001-07:00

I love my life here and where we live. I love being so close to the beach, how the air is almost always cool in the mornings. I love all the fruit trees and seeing all of the fields go through their growth and harvest cycles. I love how many hawks there are out here. I love being able to sleep with the windows open for most of the year and, of course, I love my family and the things we do together.

Some things I miss about where I used to live are - being close to Mom, Dad and other family, a distinct change in seasons, cutting wood, fishing trips on the lake and to the mountains, my old job and the people I worked with, mostly Charlene. Sometimes I miss the desert heat, being able to ride my motorcycle at night without having to bundle up, the sunrises and sunsets. I miss my yard, sometimes I miss Bill.

There are things to love no matter where I am - it is up to me to search those things out.

2011-08-12T11:40:00.000-07:00

I am going back to work after having 18 days off. I think this is the first time I have really noticed the stress my job causes for my mind and body. I notice it some at work, especially if it is an extra busy shift, but I notice it more in my off work hours. My mind has always craved peace and quiet and those two things are in pretty short supply during an 8 hour shift in a police dispatch center - especially this one where our space is so limited. We rotate so many light duty deputies in and out making it hard to have a consistent staff. I find myself doing my own thing while keeping an ear out for what the deputies handling because most of them really aren't trained for the desk. I sit next to the watch deputy all most all the time now so I keep my third ear on the radio :/. I find myself just wanting to veg out during my off work hours so I guess it is time to going back to making lists in my mind of things I need to do each day.

We had a really great vacation. We went to Utah for the July 24 holiday and spent time with my family. I can't even say how much I enjoy that. I love to see Jamie and Jared playing outside with other kids until dark instead of watching TV or playing on the computer. It is nice to be able to just let them go and know they are OK, if they aren't at Mom's then they are with kids at Janett's or Lew's. I think it is nice for them to have the freedom too. For some reason I feel some kind of protection from the outside world when I am at Mom and Dads house, not sure how else to explain what I feel when I am there.

When we got back from Utah we took a camping trip to Kings Canyon/Sequoia Nat'l parks. What a beautiful place that is. I loved the trees, the river, the cool air, the campfire. It was a very nice trip. I think we all enjoyed it - well, Jamie was kinda grumpy but the rest of us had a good time.

The process of aging has been on my mind a lot lately. I see my hair getting more gray, my skin losing some of it's elasticity, age spots sneaking up on my skin, I notice how it takes my body longer to heal from an injury. In my mind I don't feel 54 - I want to run and play like I did 40 years ago. When I was at home the great nieces and nephews wanted to play annie annie over so I played with them. I sprained my thumb, twisted my ankle, pulled my hamstring and wet my pants every time I ran around the house - but I loved it and every night they would ask me to play with them again. I started out as the only adult playing, before I left my sis, bro and sis-in law were also playing. I know for a fact that we have played that same game over that same house for at least 50 years - good times and good memories.

Life and addiction

2011-07-06T14:27:00.001-07:00

I realize it's been forever since I posted. My goal is to post more--let's hope I can do it!

I want to tell about a journey I have taken this past 9 months. As I have said before I struggle with a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder) and I take medication for this disorder. Well, about 9 months ago I "talked" my Pdoc (psychiatrist) into prescribing me Ritilin--to offset the side effects from one of my other meds. Basically it was to help me concentrate better and help with my cognition. Well....I knew, in the back of my mind, what the Ritilin could do for me and that was part of why I wanted to take it. It actually made me high. So, for the next 6 months I was on either Ritilin or Adderall or Focalin. They all made me feel "good". And, for the most part I was loving it. I was loving it too much. Along with the "high" feeling the medications were actually causing me to be depressed, moody, and suicidal. But, I couldn''t stop from taking them. I was a mess. At the time I was also mixing my sleeping medications too. Basically I was abusing my medications. About near the end of my drug eurphoria I was put on Wellbutrin. It didn't give me such a high and actually made me feel worse. SO, I came off of that and got terribly sick. I also came off all the other meds (Ritilin, Focalin, Adderall). I realized what a mess I had created and how it was affecting my family. I also finally realized that I am an addict. I am clean now and going to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings and I have started doing the steps. I am looking for a sponsor and am more than willing to do all that is required of me so that I can get better. The hardest part of all of this has been to admit I am an addict and say it out loud. The other hard part is seeing the damage I have done on my relationship with Janell. We are working through all of this mess together. I am so grateful that she stayed with me and that we are doing this together. I am lucky to have stopped the drug abuse when I did. I could have lost everything. And, btw, I almost lost my job over my drug abuse. I just feel lucky to be where I am. It's been a long journey.

2011-05-14T17:21:00.000-07:00

When I was driving to work this last week I could smell spring in the air. It reminded of when I was a kid. I always loved the day when we would go out into the yard with Mom and clean it up for spring. We would rake all of the old dead weeds, grass, etc into a pile and then the best part of all - we got to burn it!

2011-05-11T12:33:00.000-07:00

I often things about things I want to write here but they never seem to make it from my thoughts to the written word. It seems like when I sit down to write all of the thoughts just fly out of my head.

It has been a rough 6 months around here. Some of Lisa's meds weren't playing nice with each other and there was some pretty big adjustments to be made. I will let her post more on details if she chooses - I think it wore us both out and now we are in the process of getting back on track.

I still have some fluctuation with my voice. I have to work harder to talk than I would like to but it is easier to get out understandable sound than it was before the surgery. I could probably benefit from a few sessions of speech therapy but, for now, am finding little things I need to do on my own to make it easier. It is really nice to be able to walk into a bank or order from a drive thru and be understood.

We went to the mall on Saturday to do a bit of shopping and maybe find some shoes. We went into Footlocker and had each found a fair of shoes we were interested in. About that time one of the workers walked by and made a comment to her co-workers about "homosexuals" and then found the need to repeat it. I couldn't even tell you what she said because she emphasized that one word so heavily. We looked at each other and decided we probably didn't need to buy shoes from there. I was actually a bit stunned because that has never happened to me before. I have had people look at me and I knew they knew I was a lesbian but never a situation where someone was so blatantly rude about it. I contemplated going back to the store, asking for the manager, and telling him/her they had just lost 2 sales and why. Still not sure if that is something I should have done. One thing I am sure of is that I will never buy another pair of shoes at Footlocker!

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

2011-03-22T14:29:00.000-07:00

Kitty Cats

Popcorn

Sunshine on my face

The song of a meadow lark

The sound of rain

Motorcycle ride on a warm summer night with a full moon

A bubble bath

Lightening and thunder storms

Silence

A good book

About God(s?)

2011-02-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

In many of the fantasy books I read there is more than one God, sometimes the Gods even work together, or consults with one another, when ruling their worlds. I started to think about this and wonder how it fits in with LDS doctrine. A saying often used in the church comes to mind, "As Man is, God once was - as God is, man may become." The belief is also that God is never ending. So - If God was once a man, He must have had a God. What happened to that God? Is He still ruling a world somewhere? If we are to become Gods (or Goddesses) our present God will still exist . . .right? How does this fit in with the belief that there is only one God? Does it mean one God for this world, or universe only? Is space, which is endless i suppose, filled with other worlds, universes, Gods? If not how will we, in turn, become Gods? If we do become Gods, will be still be accountable to our God?

Into the Wild

2011-01-17T18:06:00.000-08:00

This is the title of the book I am reading. Below is a short synopsis of the story.

In April 1992 a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. Four months later, his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter. How McCandless came to die is the unforgettable story of Into the Wild.

The author traces the last year or so of Chris McCandless' life, and other *treks* he had taken, through interviews with people who met him and his own journals. He also tells stories of other people who have undertaken similar journeys.

In some ways I feel a jealousy of these people who were willing, or able, to just head out into the wilderness with only what they can carry on their back and to experience life in it's most basic form. I long to see places few people have seen, go places that will challenge me both physically and emotionally. No one to answer to, no schedules to keep, free to go where you want and when you want. I know in reality I need a place to call home, I need stability, security, I need to know I am going to be able to pay next months bills. So - where does this longing come from? Is it my alter ego? I have hardly made conventional choices in my life so it really can't be rebellion against the conventional. Maybe just longing for a younger body and to still have those options over to me.

2011-01-11T19:36:00.000-08:00

I was having a fairly decent day today. I kept busy all morning, did the Mobia - my best stats ever, did my resistance bands. Roasted a chicken and made brown rice for dinner so Lisa wouldn't have to fix dinner before she went to class tonite, cleaned up the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, took care of all of the animals needs, read a bit in my book, found the information Lisa needed to install Microsoft office on her computer. I felt good when I came in to work, upbeat, listening to tunes and inputting information into the computer. One of the other women in the office walked up and said "Is your voice ever going to get any better?" Kind of took me by surprise. I told her it was getting stronger, she said "And you are supposed to go back on the phones on Sunday?" I told her that was the plan if some of the deputies went off light duty. I told her I could feel an improvement in my voice. She said "Well, I don't see any." Now I feel tired, worn out, uncertain and wish it was time to go home and crawl into bed.

2011-01-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

The New Year has started off cold here. I am ready for the warm weather again. I am not sure it seems so much colder her at 40 than it does in Hatch when it is below zero. We spent Thanksgiving in Hatch with my family and it was -24 the first morning we were there. We had a really good trip. We ate lots of good food, did a bit of shooting - I had never shot skeet before so was pleasantly surprised when I was able to bring a few down. The day after Thanksgiving we went out to cut Christmas trees. There was quite a bit of snow but it was a fun trip. The day before we were going to leave my sis in law said my brother was looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I offered to buy his from him, he offered to give it to me and I agreed that was a price I could afford so we came home with a 42" flat screen TV. It is much nicer than the 19" traditional TV we have been using the last 2 years.

My voice is finally starting to get some volume back. I may still have to look into speech therapy but I have been pretty happy with it the last week or so. I was supposed to go back on the desk this week but there was an over abundance of deputies on light duty so I agreed to stay in records. At first the work there was mind numbingly boring but I have got so I don't mind doing it - maybe because I know it won't be forever. I just do my work and no one bothers me.

I have had a bit of trouble with depression since coming back from Thanksgiving. Part of it could be the menopause thing, I'm really not sure. Nothing I can't really deal with, just a bit more than I want to deal with. I am having a hard time getting motivated or finding much energy. One thing I have stayed faithful to is my exercise. One of my strategies for dealing with depression has always been to try and out run it. We bought a Nautilus Mobia and I get a really good workout on it. I have set some goals so I really push myself to reach, or exceed, them each time I work out. On the days I feel like I just can't do it I do it anyway and give myself a break with a lighter workout. I can read from my Sony Reader while I am on there so it helps the time go by fast. I have also started using my resistance bands and ab wheel again. I have been reading up on menopause and decided I needed to add some weights to my routine. Also, my older brother has had some real health problems this year and it has made me a bit more determined to take care of myself a bit better. I have done good keeping off the weight I lost while doing the HCG.

Follow Up Appt

2010-11-04T19:27:00.000-07:00

I had my first follow up appointment today. The Dr said things look well but I need to start taking the nexium. He said he saw some red in my throat - that might account for the slight sore throat I always seem to have. I had stopped taking it after about 4 days because I thought it was making it so I couldn't sleep at night. Now I'm not sure it was the nexium because I am still not sleeping well. I know part of it has to do with increased hot flashes - those things are miserable.

I went into the station today to see about going back to work. I have enjoyed being home so much these last 3 weeks. I love being able to cook dinner and be here with everyone at night. I am tempted to take another month off but I don't want to burn all of my leave time so I will go back to work on Monday.

When I was out and about today I realized that it is a bit overwhelming and intimidating for me to be in open spaces. When I am home I am comfortable talking to Lisa and the kids because I can go right up to them so I don't have to try and talk louder than I can. When I was at the station this morning, and at the beach later in the day, I realized how hard it is for me to talk out in open spaces with noise distractions. I have to remember to just talk at a level that is comfortable and if I have to get closer to someone so they can hear me then I will just have to go closer. I think I am going to be way frustrated with this before it gets better. The last thing I want to do now is acquire a bunch of bad speaking habits by trying to talk louder than I can.

2010-10-27T10:15:00.001-07:00

I am doing better each day. My ability to swallow solid food is fairly good but my ability to swallow liquids comes and goes. On a really good day I can take sips of water with only moderate concentration and sips of nectar with mild concentration. What I wouldn't give to be able to just chug a glass of ice cold water!

My voice is still very hoarse and every now and then I get a hint of the breathiness I was told would follow but still no spasms. I was searching for a bowflex treadclimber for us and got a bit carried away and called one of the sellers. I think my voice startled him a bit, there was some stammering and stuttering while he tried to decide if it was a prank call or not so I decided maybe I should let Lisa make phone calls to strangers for awhile.

My energy level is slowing returning. I have started walking again every day. Not as far and fast as I was pre-surgery but I increase it a bit each day. I am loving this fall weather, even the wind felt good to me this morning. I was disappointed then the Dr told me no vigorous exercise for 2 weeks but am realizing that it would be impossible anyway.

When I came home if I had been asked if the surgery was worth it my answer would have been an unequivocal NO! Today my answer would be - yes, it was worth it but I am so glad I don't have to make the choice to repeat it.

When I came home I was 11 lbs lighter than when I went in for surgery. I expect a great deal of that is water weight but I hope to be able to keep some of it off. Lisa and I have both done well making healthier eating choices since the HCG diet. Right now I am down about 16 lbs from when I started the diet, it's nice to have my clothes fit looser and the eating part really hasn't been a challenge.

The Surgery

2010-10-24T17:37:00.000-07:00

I checked into UCLA Medical Center just before 9:00 AM on Tuesday, October 19 and went in for surgery around 11:30. I don't remember what time they started bringing me around but I believe it was around 5:00 PM. I don't remember much other than that my throat was really sore and heavily bandaged. When they got me settled Lisa came to the room and said she had talked to Dr. Berke and he said the surgery had went well. When I went in he was unsure if he would be able to do the bilateral surgery or have to settle for unilateral due to possible scar tissue from my previous thyroplasty 2 surgeries. Even though the recovery time is longer for the bilateral that was my choice if he could do it - I didn't want to have to have any re-dos.

I was feeling fairly good until around 7:00 when I asked for pain medication. They put it into my IV, Lisa helped me to the bathroom and I was immediately nauseous and barely made it back to the bed. I don't know if it was the pain medication or the anesthesia but I was sicker than sick for the next 36 hours. Swallowing was a huge challenge, I knew I would never get a vicodin down so they brought me some liquid tylenol with codeine, the first tiny sip I took of it I almost drowned myself. My nurse mixed it with applesauce for me - that is how I took all pills for the next 2 days. Everything I ate made me deathly ill. It's a good thing they were still pumping fluids into me because I couldn't drink anything. They told me I wouldn't be able to go home until I could eat and drink thickened liquids on my own so that became my goal. It felt like every swallow that went down stuck just below my breast bone and went no further - every tiny movement made me want to throw up but I didn't have anything to throw up and was afraid if I did I would split my throat incision open. I prayed, I meditated, I conjured up and relived every good childhood memory I could think of. I thought of thing my Mom had gone through with heart surgery, my brother with his recent liver and kidney problems, my 2 uncles with their cancer treatments and knew if they could do it then I could too.

What Am I?

2010-10-11T18:15:00.000-07:00

I can't really be called middle aged because most people don't live to be 106 - on the other hand I don't feel like I qualify for elderly either so, what am I?

The "Talk" and Other Stuff

2010-10-04T20:20:00.000-07:00

I have spent two days reading the uproar following the conference talk by BKP. I think what I feel is more of a sadness than outrage or anger. It makes me sad to know that most of my family listened to the talk and I wonder what affect it had on them. My relationship with my family has been so good through out all of this. No one has ever made me feel like I just didn't try hard enough - if anything I have been harder on myself in that area than my family has. I worry about the effect this talk will have on gay friends I love who are trying to remain in the church, those who are already struggling with guilt over who they are. I remember when I used to listen to GC, I used to cringe when BKP would get up to talk. I guest mostly, and I feel a bit selfish even saying this, I am glad I am at a place in my life where this doesn't have the ability to send me off into despair the way it once would.

I know I have mentioned this before but - I love where we live. I love watching the fields as they go through a crop cycle. I love it that I can tell what is being harvested as I ride by on my motorcycle. In June the air smelled like strawberries, lately it has smelled like peppers, not sure what kind but it's a red pepper that is used to make hot sauce. I also see fields of butternut squash almost ready to harvest. It amazes me that they grow several different crops on the same plot of land throughout the year. Once one harvest done the field is plowed under and the cycle starts all over again.

I am going to have to dig out some of my old hobbies. With Lisa gone working during the day I find myself not knowing what to do so I have a tendency to just sleep or lay on the bed. I will have to go back to making quilts or even cross stitching! One of the side effects of the HCG I really miss is the energy the drops gave me.

2 weeks from tomorrow is my surgery. That means I have to stop taking everything that could possibly act as a blood thinner, aspirin, excedrin, advil, vitamin e, etc. I try to think about the surgery a bit every day but not so much that I freak out about it. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the recovery period which, I fear, is going to be much longer, harder, and frustrating than I want it to be.

Diet Transition

2010-09-26T17:37:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day going completely off the 500 calorie diet. It has been rather anti climactic and kind of disappointing. We have looked forward to this for 2 weeks, made all sorts of plans on what we would eat. It turns out we can't eat quite like we used to - which is probably a good thing. It's kind of strange to me that fruit and vegetables still taste the best, especially since the choices aren't so limited now. We are to stay off starch and sugar for the next 3 weeks and then gradually introduce them back into the diet after that. I lost approximately 9 lbs, I think it was worth it but I wouldn't choose to do it again. We have decided to eat healthy 6 days a week and to give ourselves one day a week off to eath whatever we want. Hopefully this will help us keep the weight off and also not make us feel deprived of those foods we really like but shouldn't eat so often. I am looking forward to getting some stamina back in my muscles. When I exercise my lungs do all right but my muscles just don't have any stamina. There is quite a hill leading up to our condo, I use to be able to ride my bicycle all the way to the garage, today I couldn't even walk it without having to stop and rest.

We had a creepy experience yesterday. I was sitting at my little table in my room , I glanced up at the windows and saw the shadows of a bunch of bugs against the curtains, I thought it was strange that so many bugs were on the outside of the window. I came back in about 15 minutes and noticed there were about twice as many shadows and then I saw one of the bugs come up over the top of the curtain. When I pulled back the curtain it was covered with flying bugs. We think they are winged termites. We sprayed so much stuff on them we made quite a mess and a not so pleasant odor. We called the HOA and got the name of the exterminator they use and will have him come out tomorrow and look at the samples we saved. If it is termites the HOA insurance will pay for it, if it is something else we will have to pay for it.

Day 12

2010-09-23T11:03:00.000-07:00

Only lost .2 lbs yesterday. We talked it over this morning and decided we were done doing the drops. We will have 3 days of the 500 calorie diet while the HCG gets out of our system and then 3 weeks with no sugar or starches. In some ways I feel like a quitter but I am pretty much OK with ending it now. Even though it didn't play into our decision to stop, I am glad I will be back to a normal diet by the time I have my surgery. From the things I have read eating is going to be a chore for awhile as it is so I would like to have more of a variety to choose from.

From previous experience with botox injections I know that swallowing any kind of liquids without choking will really take some concentration for a few days. I remember the first botox shot I had Bill would make a barrier between us at breakfast with the cereal boxes because I was prone to choking and spitting my vitamins across the table as I was trying to take them. It did get easier after the first shot but even now I have trouble eating a juicy apple or orange without choking for a couple of weeks after the shot. I am hoping this surgery means the end of the botox shots.

Lisa started a part time job this week and it is really strange to have her gone during the day. I find myself wandering around wondering what to do. I guess maybe it's time to pick up some of my hobbies again.

Day 11

2010-09-22T21:52:00.001-07:00

Only down .4 lbs this morning. I am wondering how much longer I can do this diet. The food choices are so limited. The things I make taste really good but I don't know how many more salads or how much more cabbage and celery I can eat. I am never ravenously hungry and I was thinking tonite that I would almost rather not eat than eat the same things over and over. I enjoy the fruit the most but I can only have 2 fruits a day. I guess it's one day at a time for now.

Day 10

2010-09-21T21:41:00.000-07:00

We broke down and bought a digital scale so we could track our weight better. My weight this morning was 147.4. I am not sure of my exact starting weight but I am using 155. If I discount the 2 days of loading I have lost about a pound per day.

We do quite a bit of walking and I also try to get on the nordic track every few days. Intense exercise is kind of discouraged on this diet but I really don't want to lose my aerobic capacity. I haven't felt any ill effects from it so far. My pants might fit a bit looser but it isn't anything that is really noticeable.

Day 8

2010-09-19T16:36:00.000-07:00

No weight loss for the last 2 days, no gain either. If there is no loss today then I am to have and apple and water day. 6 apples and water for a day and nothing else. I might give it an additional day. I enjoy my evening apple so much I kinda hate to ruin that by eating 6 in one day and getting burned out on them. Someone brought a whole box of grapefruit into the station last week so I snatched up 5 of them. I love my half a grapefruit in the morning.

I am enjoying cooking different things on this diet. It is a way I really haven't cooked before. Every time I make something I am a little hesitant to taste it for fear it will be yucky but it has all been at least edible so far and some of it downright delicious. Yesterday we saved all of our protein for our final meal and each had a decent sized steak for dinner. I have found you can make almost any cut of meat into a tender steak by rubbing each side with a kiwi fruit about 30 minutes before grilling it. Today we bought a bottom round roast at the store. I cut it into 3.5 oz portions, rubbed them with kiwi and Lisa grilled them while I used 2 portions to make us some chili for dinner.

I am rarely hungry on this diet, I am supposing it is the drops working as they should. One unexpected benefit is the fact that I am no longer tired during the day. I have been tired for so long that this is really strange for me. I almost don't know what to do with myself.

I have surgery on my vocal cords scheduled for Oct 19. I am pretty scared to do this. I want it to work so badly. I want to be able to just open my mouth and say my words without having to struggle. I enjoy my job so much more on my good voice days. Another thing that scares me is that I will no longer have the disorder to hide behind. I will no longer have an excuse not to talk to others or join in conversations. I have thought about approaching someone from the Ward here to give me a blessing before I go in. I am still undecided though, gonna have to think about that one a bit longer before I make a decision.

Diet Day 6

2010-09-17T16:04:00.000-07:00

It's just wrong to come into work and have a package of chocolate oreos sitting here just begging to be eaten. I am realizing this battle is more of a mental battle than a physical one. It's not that I am outrageously hungy, it's just that I want to eat whether I am hungry or not. I love breads and its really hard to make toast for the birds in the morning and not get my little bite, I love chocolate and it seems like it is everywhere I turn. This may be the longest I have ever gone without chocolate. Even in my strictest eating days I allowed myself 6 M&M's a day. I reminded myself this morning this is a choice I am making, it isn't something I am being forced to do.

This morning I was down 6 lbs.

The HCG Diet - Day 5

2010-09-16T16:39:00.000-07:00

We heard about this diet from Lisas brother at the family camping trip a few weeks ago. We debated and thought about it for quite awhile and finally decided to give it a try. In a nutshell, you take HCG drops daily and after 2 "loading days" where you get to eat anything you want you start on a 500 calorie a day eating plan. The HCG is supposed to release your bodies stored fat to be burned to make up for what you aren't eating. Weight loss should be between 15 - 20 lbs for the 23 days you are on the drops.

Today is day 3 of the 500 calorie diet and I am feeling pretty confident I can see it through. The first day I felt pretty confident, yesterday I didn't think there was any way I could do it. I weighed this morning and I believe I am down 4 lbs. It is kind of hard to say because our scales aren't the best, we should really have digital scales but they just aren't in the budget right now.

I am going to try and track results here in hopes that it will give me the motivation to see this through to the end.

2010-08-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

There has been a little feel of fall in the air the last few days. That is a bit unusual here where there isn't a great deal of change in the seasons. For some reason the change of seasons is hard for me, it seems to bring on a depression or sorts. Almost a feeling of nostalgia for something I can't quite put my finger on. I have been doing my best to outrun the depression with exercise and it works pretty well for the most part. The days I start out with some good hard exercise are definitely easier than those I don't.

Fall has long been my favorite season. When I was a kid fall meant the deer hunting season - one of the highlight of the year. All the uncles and cousins would come home for the hunt. When we were too young to hunt we would play deer hunt in the front yard with some of us being hunters and some of us being deer. Certain places were designated at "thicket" and if you were a deer and could make it to the thicket you were safe. I am not sure any of us even knew what a thicket was, only that we had heard our Dads talk about losing a deer when it run into the thicket.

When I was 16 I was able to carry a gun for the first time. I went out with my Dad on opening morning and waited oon a hillside in the cold for the sun to come up. I killed a 4 point buck that morning, one shot to the neck. the next year I went out with my Dad and saw a big ole buck coming up over the hill and I tried to show Dad where it was and he said "Shoot it!" I said "I can't shoot it you shoot it" he said "I can't see it" - it ran over the hill and someone else shot it. That was the last time I carried a gun. I often went out with the guys to hunt but I never carried a gun.

When I was married fall was a time to go out and get wood for the wood burning stove. When we lived at Hall's Crossing on Lake Powell we used to go up to the Bears Ears to get wood. We would always take a bag of fritos and a can of bean dip and a couple of sodas. I loved it up there. When we moved to Page we would go to Utah to get wood with Mom and Dad. Dad never goes to cut wood without a can of vienna sausages and some snack pack pudding. I have lots of good memories - I have had a good life.

2010-07-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

It is 3:00 AM and I am 3/4 of the way through a 16 hour shift. It is getting a bit difficult to stay awake so I thought I would put words to some of the thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head for awhile.

I finally broke down and made an appointment to see a Dr here to get a botox shot. It has been 16 months since my last shot and I was getting really worn out struggling with my voice. The Dr here isn't nearly as gentle as my Dr in AZ was but I think he got the job done. I had the shot a couple of days ago and my voice feels really good. It is so nice to be able to just open my mouth and speak. I hope it lasts for a bit, it makes my job so much easier. I am thinking about having surgery to correct this but am still a bit hesitant. It involves the cutting and re-routing of nerves and while the success rate is quite high, if it isn't a success I could be left with no voice at all.

I believe a change has crept upon me so slowly I never saw it coming. For most of my life I have preferred to be alone. When I was a kid my mom used to say if she ever wanted to punish me instead of sending me to my room she would have to make me come out of my room. For many years I have preferred to do most things alone. As I write this my heart hurts a bit for those people who were around me because I realize that really wasn't fair to them - for me to live such a solitary life and shut them out. This last week Lisa has helped with Cub Scout Day Camp most of the week so I have had the mornings to myself. I took the dog for walks, and we went to the pier fishing one day. I realized I would much rather do those things with Lisa than do them by myself. It's not that I can't enjoy them if I am alone, it's just that they are more enjoyable if she is with me - so very strange, and a bit unsettling, for me.

It has long been a dream of mine to go to New York City during the Christmas season. A couple of months ago Lisa told me she had looked into airfare, hotels, etc and figured if we put by a certain amount of money each month in 2 years we would be able to go so we have been doing that. At the same time we decided a good way to get extra spending money for the trip would be to collect cans and bottles for recycling. In CA every time you buy a can of soda pop or a bottle of water $.05 is added onto the cost. We took our first bunch in last week and only got $26 - kind of disappointing be we decided to continue to collect anyway. It is kind of fun, almost like a treasure hunt of sorts. We carry a plastic bag with us every time we leave the house.

I appreciate my older brother so much. We text quite often. Whenever I hear about 3 texts come through in succession I know it is him texting. He is often just sharing some little part of his day with me. Sometimes I think he texts because he is lonely, sometimes he texts just to see how I am doing - whatever the reason it is always nice to hear from him and know he is thinking about me. He always lets me know he loves me and that always makes me feel good.

Fitting In

2010-05-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

I sometimes wonder if I will ever fit in here at work. Most days I just do the job, try to stay away from the drama and don't notice it much but, once in awhile, something will happen that really brings it home. At those times I start to wonder, is it because of my voice? Is it because I am gay? I actually don't know how many people here are even aware of my sexual orientation. It isn't something I hide but it also not something I flaunt. I speak of Lisa freely but no one ever really asks any question. Maybe its a case of don't ask don't tell. I am not an outgoing person and I am sure that contributes to the feeling of isolation. Because of my voice, I hesitate to talk unless it is absolutely necessary. Sensing I was different as I was growing up I kept most people at a distance because it was safer that way. Experiences I had in college only reinforced that behavior. I guess when I take those two things into consideration it is no wonder I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I wish Lisa and I could meet another couple we had things in common with but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Mothers Day

2010-05-09T17:00:00.001-07:00

I love my Mom. She holds such a special place in my heart I don't even have words to describe it. I wish I could be with her today. Just be in her presence, watch the funny little quirky things she does. Listen to the latest stories from Dad about "the other day your Ma . . ." or her stories about "did I tell you what your Dad did?" They were married when she was 16 and he was 20. They had their first child just 2 days before their first anniversary. By the time she was 29 she had 5 children and had suffered at least one miscarriage. I know she loves my Dad but I also know she sometimes regrets some of the things she missed out on by marrying so young. My nephew recently got married - It is highly questionable if it was a wise move. They hadn't known each other long, she said she was pregnant only to find out later she wasn't. When I talked to Mom and Dad about it all they said was that people probably thought their marriage would never last either and they have been married for 62 years and that they hoped they would be happy. Their home has always been open to all of us and whoever we brought with us. If ever any of my cousins happen to be in the area they always stop by to see "Aunt Dorothy and Uncle LaMar". One of my cousins has a little boy that is autistic, as soon as they get to Hatch he wants to know where "Uncle Jar" is. I keep a sweater at work that my Mom gave me. Everytime I put it on I can almost feel her arms around me. That sweater is one reason I don't mind sitting at the cold spot in dispatch.

I salute Mothers everywhere. I never had the desire to have kids and that has always made me feel a bit of an oddity and a lot guilty. For the culture I was raised in that is almost blasphemy. I think I can't love enough to be a mother. I am too selfish and expect too much. Janett always joked that she had her last 2 kids for me, because I refused to have any. I helped her with her kids off and on a lot and they are special to me but I know I couldn't have sacrificed for them like she has. I see how Lisa is with her kids and what a good mother she is and I don't think I could ever do that so maybe it's a good thing I married someone who couldn't give me kids.

Thoughts About Death

2010-04-29T17:20:00.000-07:00

Last night our station lost a deputy to an off duty motorcycle accident. He was 27, his wife is 7 months pregnant with their first child. Last month I lost a long time friend due to complications from an automobile accident. Even though he was several decades older than the deputy his death was still unexpected and a shock to me. I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around these deaths. Today I kept thinking that Deputy Glover would never make another traffic stop, he will never help us out on the desk again, his wife will have no one to bring dinner to, he will never see another sunrise or kiss his unborn child. Kent Hirschi will never come to the house again for a visit and stay for an hour long nap, he and Bill will never again argue over the myriad of silly little things they always argued over. There are no "do overs" for these two men. No more time to make amends for past hurts or mistakes, no second chance to tell someone how much they loved them or how they influenced their life for good.

Sometimes I have a hard time with life and think this earthly life is way too long but when something like this happens I seem to see things through different eyes. The grass seems a bit greener, the sun a bit warmer. I want to reach out to those I love and tell them how, and why, they are important to me because . . .what if tomorrow is too late?

2010-03-18T19:41:00.000-07:00

We are moved in to the new place but far from organized. It seems like there is so much to do. I can think it out in my mind but when I get time to do it it all seems too overwhelming. I had four days off on schedule change and I probably should've stayed home and got things sorted but instead I made a trip to UT and AZ to see family and friends. My parents are of an age where I feel like I need to take every opportunity I can to see them and I always enjoy being with them. While I was there all who live there met at my brothers house for a Navajo Taco dinner and homemade lemon ice cream. It is always good to get together. I also spent a day and a half in Page visiting. I spent some time at the police station, it is always nice to see those guys. I really miss them. I have a friend there who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I spent some time with her. I debated about going to see her because I would rather remember her as she was but I knew I needed to see her. She wouldn't say much about her diagnosis or treatment but she didn't look too well. She only weighs about 80 lbs. It is nice to be in a place where everyone greets you with a smile and a hug and says how nice it is to see you.

I tried to get an extra day off but couldn't swing it so I left at 5:00 AM so I could be into work by 3:00 PM. I got into a blizzard in AZ not far from the UT border. When I talked to Bill the next day he told me our friends were in the same storm and had run into the back end of a semi. Neither seemed to be hurt very badly but when the guy got out of the car he fell - he went to the hospital with a broken hip, broken elbow, and fractured back. When I talked to Bill on Sunday to see how he was doing he told me he had died that morning. Apparently his hip was broke in the crash and that is why he fell. He also had a fractured skull. His death affected me very deeply and I still don't know why. Maybe because it was so unexpected. It just seemd to bring death up close and personal for me.

Lisa and I joined Curves the first of the month. We decided to give it 6 months and see what the results are. Neither of us have a problem with the exercise - the circuit actually gives me a much better workout than I thought it would. We both struggle with the food plan a bit but we are doing our best to make healthier eating choices.

The last 3 nights at work the phones have rung non-stop all night. It really wears me out mentally. It is nice that the weather has been warm enough to ride my motorcycle to work. The trip home on a beautiful night is a good decompressor for me.

2010-02-25T21:04:00.000-08:00

We have been extremely busy getting ready to move to our new house. The escrow company really wasn't on the ball and we ended up closing 5 days later than we had planned so we have been putting in some long hours trying to get it ready so we can be out of the rental house by the end of the month. So far I have - replaced a leaky strainer basket in the kitchen sink and fixed another leak under the same sink, changed both shower heads, replaced the gasket between the toilet tank and the toilet bowl, changed the deadbolt on the front door, and patched and sanded all the walls. Lisa and I have painted almost the whole house and she cleaned the carpets today. While doing this I have still been working 48 hours a week and Lisa has been keeping up with her online classes and getting ready for mid-terms. We are both pretty tired. I think I even took a tiny nap at the stoplight on the way to work today.

Once we got a better look at the place we realized there were no light fixtures in the ceilings of any of the rooms - that meant no ceiling fans. So, we hired a guy to remedy the situation (that was a bit beyond my limited maintenance skills) and I will go buy the fans tomorrw. I think we will be ready to start moving stuff by tomorrow afternoon. Lisa talked to the Elders Quorum Pres and he is going to have some men and trucks to help us move the heavy stuff on Saturday morning. I am really thankful the good people in this ward are still willing to help us.

I am liking my job even though it gets frustrating some times. Yesterday I think every big call I took the informants lied to me as to the circumstances surrounding the call. They tell me, not once but several times, someone pulled a gun on them. When the deputy gets there it turns out that all the guy really saw was a fanny pack. Stuff like that makes me crazy. I sometimes think if it wasn't for tattle tales I wouldn't have a job. One thing that makes this job easier here than when I was dispatching in AZ is the fact that I don't know any of these people that call in. When we have a suicide chances are less than one in several thousand that I would know the person. In Page I almost always knew them.

Anyway - life is busy but good.

The Verdict

2010-01-27T17:45:00.000-08:00

As Lisa stated in her post - the decision was made to excommunicate us. I have given this a lot of thought in the last few weeks, wondering what it would mean to me and how it would affect my life, my outlook, my thoughts and actions. I guess the conclusion I have come to is that my relationship with the Lord is still up to me. I will only get out of it what I put into it. If I am willing to work hard to maintain a relationship I can't imagine He would turn his back on me. Years ago I had a friend who was excommunicated and I remember him telling me he could feel the Holy Ghost leave him when it happened. I haven't felt that. The Church didn't *give* me my relationship with God so I am not sure how they can take it away. I can't deny that we have been incredibly blessed this last year and, no matter what anyone else may think, I choose to attribute those blessings to the Lord working in my life.

I remember reading a book a few years ago about a particular tribe. If someone did something horrendous enough they were banished. This was the worst thing that could happen to a member because banishment meant certain death, once banished from the tribe the member always died. There was one member who had been adopted into the tribe, as the story progressed she fell out of favor with the leader and was banished. She was terrified of the impending death she had been told would follow - only it didn't. She lived and survived on her own until she found another tribe willing to take her in. She realized the reason death was a certainty was because the person being banished believed it was, they believed it so strongly they gave up. I am not going to give up. In some ways believing I can still have the spirit in my life and have a good relationship with God takes as much faith as anything I have ever done because I have always been told that couldn't happen to someone in my position. I feel no differently now than I did last week before the decision. As I was outside grilling steaks this evening I tried to find the words to tell the Lord how grateful I am for the peace and contentment I feel in my life right now - it is such that a mere "Thank you" seems very inadequate.

A New Beginning or The Continuation of A Good Life

2010-01-25T10:55:00.000-08:00

I must apologize for my writing--I struggle with articulation and spelling and basically writing in general. (thank you medications of past times).

What exactly does it mean to be excommunicated? Well, it means I continue to do the same things I was doing before--no callings, no garments, no sustaining, ect. I have journeyed a long ways to get to this point in my life. If I would have thought 7 years ago I would be ex'd from the LDS church I would have been scared to death. But, I guess my disfellowshipment was a prelude to all of this and seemed to prepare me. I remember being disfellowshipped and feeling so relieved. And, I have to say, after I spoke with the Bishop about their decision, I felt this relieve inside me. Although I am still waiting to see if what the Bishop told me is true...."You will feel a little sad or depressed." I already struggle with the darkness of depression...its part of the illness. I have depression no matter where I am, where I live or who I am with. It's just life. But, back on task here.... Since hearing the news from the Bishop I have felt free. It seems the obligation is gone or perhaps its the expectation. I just feel like I can choose and do what is best for me.
While going through my divorce my relationship with the church became strained and actually I was not attending church, so I basically had very little communication with ward members. Prior to my divorce I had been counseling with the bishop about my relationship with J and he had always counseled with me to stop seeing her. I had even had conversations with both the stake president at the time and one of his counselors and both had told me the relationship was not good. Well, I continued my relationship and eventually I was disfellowshipped from the church. Some time after I filed divorce papers and the beginning of a very hard time started. I will not get into it, accept to say, homophobia, anger, bitterness, lies, and all manner of bad stuff.

Having gone through my own bitterness and anger towards the church during all of this I am at a point in my life where I have gotten over bad feelings toward the church, even after the Prop 8 disaster. I had to decide if I was going to keep feeling anger or let it go and get on with life. It does not do any good to be angry at the organization, because I realize nobody actually cares if I am mad! And that feeling sucks. So, I can honestly say I think there is some good about the LDS church, it has some good programs, it gives opportunity to be uplifting, BUT, there are other religions, organizations, peoples, groups, and situations that can do the same. There is good and bad in everything we look at , it's just a matter of what we are "looking" for. I want to be uplifted, I want to fill my heart and soul with goodness and where ever I can find this I will go there.

My relationship with J has not changed since learning of my excommunication. I keep hearing the Bishop say, "its' a sin", but I cannot feel what that means with her. When I am close to her I try to see and feel what that means, but I only feel goodness and strength. We wait our whole lives to find someone that brings the other half of us and that is what we have. The universe, a higher power or whatever we want to call it has blessed my life with this woman and the love we share. My only sin is that I lose my patience and forget to be good to her. I am still learning to give and take....aren't we all??

I know this has been long, too long for me to even go back and proofread, but I wanted to add in that I have seen my pdoc again and he has started me on two more meds--the last one was giving me nightmares. He also wanted me to continue to recite my prescription of positive affirmation to my self. So, I am reaching inside somewhere to give these new meds a try. I will keep ya'll posted on how they work.

Church Council and Stuff

2010-01-15T17:54:00.000-08:00

A week or so ago the Elders Quorum President hand delivered a letter to both Lisa and me telling us the church would be holding a council on January 14 for "conduct unbecoming a member". The Bishop talked to both of us on Sunday and asked permission to use his discussions with each of us at the council, which we gave. I don't know the outcome, I am assuming there will be another hand delivered letter or maybe one by certified mail.

We are in the final stages of getting the loan approval for the townhouse. We have been hoarding every little bit of cash we get so we will have the required amount for the downpayment. After my last pay check we were about $1,500 short of the required amount. When we got the final loan application to sign yesterday they had taken $1,600 off the total, I guess we don't need mortgage insurance with a 20% down payment. Just another one of the many small miracles that have been a part of this whole deal from the beginning. I should be used to them by now but each one still fills me with amazement at how we are being watched over and taken care of. I have heard people testify that their heart was overflowing with gratitude and I would wonder what that felt like. I am happy to say that I now know what they mean. This has been an amazing year for me.

I sometimes feel guilty that I have found such peace and happiness in this life I have chosen to build. I wonder what things I am doing now that I didn't do in my previous life and if I can do them now why couldn't I do them then. When I talk to Mom on the phone she tells me how good I sound, she can even understand me when I talk. Between my voice and her age and being hard of hearing that, in itself, is a small miracle.

All of this doesn't mean I still don't have my rough spots - I do. Every day isn't sunshine and roses but underlying it all is this sense that all is well, that things are right, that I am headed in the right direction. While I am enjoying this feeling I am also a bit leery of it. I have never been one to feel promptings, of any kind, clearly. I guess a part of me still wonders why, if my life is so wrong, so against Gods will, have I been blessed so much? Why do I feel the peace I do? Is there such a thing false peace, and if there is would it last this long? I am trying really hard not to second guess it but to trust what I feel inside.

Being Happy

2010-01-14T18:25:00.000-08:00

Is happiness really just a choice, as I so often hear? What all is involved in being happy? What is happiness? Is it the absence of stress, the absence of trials? How much responsibility to we have for anothers happiness? Can one person truly make another person happy?

I am happy right now. I have worries, but I am still happy. Sometimes my job makes my mind really, really tired, and it is hard to be pleasant to everyone that calls in. Hard to remember that, to them, their call is very important even though I may think a good dose of common sense would solve the problem.

I remember a time in my life when I was not only unhappy I was downright miserable. I went to work, shut my office door and sit under the desk in the dark for at least a portion of every day. I hated it and when I got out of that place I swore I would never go back there again. A couple of years later I found myself in circumstances that threatened to put me back to that dark place. It took me a few months but I fought my way out. I guard and protect my happiness very fiercely. I wonder if this makes me selfish. I have people in my life that I love with my whole heart and soul and I would love to be able to give them happiness. I don't know how to do that and it hurts my heart.

OCD, Perfectionism or Just Organized

2010-01-06T15:51:00.000-08:00

I like order. I like the heads of all the bills in my pocket facing the same way, in order by monetary value. I like to start the day with 3 quarters, 3 dimes, 1 nickel and 4 pennies in my pocket. When I use butter I like to cut it neatly off the end of the cube. When I open a new box of cereal or crackers I like to carefully open the inner package, not just rip it open. I like the toilet paper and the paper towels to come off the roll over the top and not the bottom, and have been known to change them if they don't. When I stack the dishes in the cupboard I like to do it by size - big plates followed by salad plates, followed by coffee cup liners topped with the bowls, by size. When I leave the car in the morning to go into work I do things in a certain order so when I get into the car to come back home everything will be adjusted and ready for me to get in and just go. When I use the bathroom at work I am constantly wiping up the soap dribbles and spills from the side of the sink and wonder why it is to hard to put a bit of soap in your hand and get your hand over the sink without spilling it all over. So, which of the 3 choices does all of this make me?

The Pier

2010-01-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

It was such a beautiful day yesterday, and I was off, so we headed for the pier in Ventura. I like to fish off the pier even though I rarely catch anything. I just love being out there. This is a picture I snapped with my cell phone just as we were leaving.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

I had to work this morning so we had our Christmas last night. Santa managed to get in and out while Lisa and the kids were out visiting and I was at work. There was the usual frenzy of ripping paper and tearing off of bows. I thought Santa was pretty good to us all. I was a bit disappointed that Jared was so negative about most everything he got. Jamie seemed pleased. The kids went with their Dad this morning.

Our best gift will be getting into the Townhouse. There has been a bit of a glitch with that. $3,500 of our funding fell through so we will have to scrape to make that up but I think we can do it. I can sign up for overtime now and the only limits are no more than 96 hours a month and no 16 hour shifts back to back. I got one 16 hour shift for next month and on Monday I will sign up for all that are available to me. I could work days off but I prefer to work 16 hours a couple of days a week rather than give up a day off. We will make it happen.

We have had a very good year. Some of the things I am thankful for - The opportunity we have to build a life together, that we have been able to meet our financial obligations, the wonderful town we live in. I am thankful for a healthy mind and body, for a family who loves me, absolutely awesome friends, my many animals that allow me to love them and make me smile every day.

How bizarre, how bizarre

2009-12-22T17:13:00.001-08:00

We got an email from our broker today saying there were 2 bids put on the townhouse that were substantially higher than ours, both over listing price which was $155,000.00. As we were sitting on the couch feeling sad and looking at different real estate sites to see if anything new had been listed the phone rang and it was the listing agent for the townhouse we had bid on before this one. It's in the same complex and, basically, the same townhouse. The main difference being this one was offered by HUD. She said if we were still interested they would accept our bid of $120,000.00 for the townhouse as the other bid had fallen through. SO - we are going on over to Simi Valley tomorrow to sign the offer and take a check for $2,000.00 to get the process going. This unit has all appliances except for a refrigerator (which we have), the other one only had a microwave. Our payments are projected to be about $400.00 less than what we are paying for rent now. There is one drawback to this townhouse - it has no yard at all, only a patio. Murphy and Cujo aren't going to like that and I am not too fond of it. Hopefully house prices will go up a bit by the time Lisa gets out of school and we will be able to sell it for a profit and by a regular house with a yard. On the bright side, we will be putting money into something we actually own and will also have quite a bit more living space. Life really has been good to us.

Early Mornings

2009-12-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy the early morning hours, once I get up and get going that is. On the days I have to work I get up at 5:00 so I can either walk or Nordic Track before going to work. I like to sit in the backyard for a few minutes after I am done - look at the stars in the sky and kind of touch base with God before I start my day. If Murphy has come out with me I will hold him in my lap and give him kitty loves for a bit. I love the peace and quiet of that time of day.

Since we put the Christmas tree up last week I have started turning the tree lights on when I get up in the morning even though there is no one to enjoy them but me. Murphy seems to like to lay under the tree. This morning I snapped this picture of him just before I walked out the door.

I am on my own at work from now on. My trainer is on vacation for 2 weeks and I was scheduled to go on my own on January 3 so they just had me cover her spot for her vacation. I found out last week I will be working the 4:00PM to Midnight shift instead of the 11 PM - 7:00 AM shift. I feel very fortunate to be able to land the earlier shift. I was hired for the later shift and planned on working that for at least a couple of years until a spot on a different shift opened up. I know the later shift would be a slower time to work but I really, really, really hate being awake all night and trying to sleep in the day. We have had some really busy days this week. It seems like we have had an extra dose of suicide calls, I guess this is a hard time of year for some people. I've had a few unusual calls too - like the guy who called to say someone had stolen his identity and now they were trying to steal his life and his soul. He thought they were at his apartment and he was going to go back there and kill them. He called back later and told me they weren't there when he got home. I tried to get him to let me have someone come talk to him but he hung up on me - those are the kinds of calls I remember, the ones who need help that we are unable to reach.

We are putting a bid in in a Townhouse, not sure if we will get it or not but if anyone out there has an extra prayer to spare pray that our offer will be accepted.

A New Doctor

2009-12-20T12:17:00.000-08:00

I think I probably am the invisible part of our blog. I would rather sit and talk about things, then write them out. But, for the first time, in a long time, I want to write. . .

I had been under the care of the county mental program for the past year or two. Since J has gotten her new job we have been fortunate enough to have "real" health insurance. So...that is where this post comes from.

While trying to "work" with my county pdoc, I was put on a medication that seemed to work okay, but I got tired of what it was doing to me and eventually weened myself off. I had gone to him on my visits and tried to tell him what it was doing to me, but he wasn't interested in talking about it. Over the time of being with the county I had tried various meds along with this one particular one I have recently come off of. None of them seemed to work. Even though I was diligent in trying them out. I must add in here also, that during all of this I was in therapy, which helped me to deal with life.

So....for the past month of so I found myself on no meds....starting to have a clear mind...my appetite calming down....no more tired feeling.....and....paranoid thoughts coming back....insomnia...irritibility, bordering on extreme anger....but, my mind was not tired. I hate being tired. I have been alittle scared to not be on meds, but at the same time I am loving it.
Last week, I found a list of docs on our health plan and randomly picked one--she, of course, was not taking new patients, so I got stuck with another doc in the same office. This whole week I didn't want to go and see him. I thought, "I can do this on my own", "look at me, I am okay right now". I almost cancelled the appt twice. But, Friday came and J and I drove out to see him. He met with us separately. And then together. When I met with him he wanted to know about my childhood, my dreams, basically, my life. He wanted to know about the illness--the feelings, etc. While I talked with him he just wrote things out and really listened to me. He didn't want to know what the other doctors had said--he was making his own assessments.

The prescription pad. . .
The first one he wrote out for me, said this:
"I'm a good person
I'm training my mind to select my thoughts in a
healthy way, so as to be the source of my own
tranquility and self-esteem.
I am pleased with me for this wise choice
of thought"

He said to practice this exercise 60 times a day.

Now, mind you, I have never had a doctor help treat me with this type of exercise. After he wrote that he wrote another for some sleeping meds--so I could start on that part of the illness.
He believes thought process and chemical imbalance contribute--so we are going to work on both. When J came back in the room, I remember the doc saying, "we are a team". Just typing that sentence makes me want to cry because I am grateful I did not cancel my appt. I am grateful I have a partner who is willing to be a part of this team to help maintain this illness. I believe I have, once again, been blessed in finding this doctor--who is listening and willing to help.

The Meeting

2009-12-09T08:14:00.000-08:00

I had my meeting with the Bishop last night. He told me he had asked to meet with my because of my relationship with Lisa. He asked me the nature of our relationship and I told him I considered Lisa my spouse. He asked if we had a domestic partnership and I told him yes we did. He asked if any discplinary action had been taken against me by the church previously, I told him no. He said he would have to begin proceedings to do that and I told him I understood and had no problem with him doing that. I told him I understood I wasn't required to attend any council or proceedings that were held and that I probably wouldn't. As we talked more he told me who the council would consist of and that the purpose of it was to set goals and outline a program of repentance. I told him I had no plans to make any changes. I told him I was more at peace now than I had been in the last 15 years, he said that was good but implied that the relationship wasn't. I told him he could think what he would but that I had been blessed more in the last 18 months than I ever had been before. I told him we survived 8 months with neither of us working and there is no way we should have. I told him the fact that I was even able to have a conversation with him was a blessing because a year ago my voice was such that I could hardly talk. I told him he could attribute the blessings to whatever he wanted but I chose to attribute them to the Lord working in my life. He didn't have much to say about that. He told me would still be welcome in church and hoped we would continue to come. He said on Sundays he sats up on the stand and watches us with the kids and is amazed that we are there, that we are smiling and happy and enjoy being there, and that was good because that is where we should be. I guess in some ways that confuses me because in one breath he is telling me the relationship can't be good and in the next he is telling me he can tell we are happy, but I just let that slide.

Anyway, he is going to get with the Stake President and start proceedings. We agreed there would be no reason I should have to be there. He made it clear that he didn't know what action would be taken but the most severe would be excommunication.

A Meeting With the Bishop

2009-12-04T17:51:00.000-08:00

When Lisa went to pick Jared up from Cub Scouts this week the Bishop was there and invited her into his office for a chat. It seems like our run of annonymity has expired. I should be getting a call from his executive secretary sometime soon to set up an appointment for me to meet with him. The long and short of his conversation with Lisa was that she could either resign her membership or be excommunicated. I imagine I will be given the same choice.

Not too awfully long ago the thoughts of a meeting like this would have filled me with fear and uncertainty. It no longer does. I am willing to go meet with the Bishop, listen to what he has to say and answer questions he may have. What I am not willing to do is resign my church membership. I feel like if I do that I would be saying I know longer want to be a part of the organization when in reality it is the other way around. I also don't intend on going to any church council or court they may have. I feel no bitterness and understand he has to do what he feels is best. I guess I have been preparing myself for this moment for the last year. No matter what they choose to do in regards to my membership I know who I am and the Lord knows who I am. That is good enough for me. I know it will break my parents hearts and that is really my only regret.

The people in this ward have treated us very well. I don't know how many of them are aware of the nature of our relationship but I know a few are. It isn't something we really advertise but, if asked, it is also not something we deny. I don't plan on altering my pattern of church attendance. I will be working Sunday days for at least the next 4 months so attending will be out for that long.

The Job

2009-10-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't realize I haven't posted since I learned I had a job. I started on September 28. The job is much the same, but at the same time quite different, from what I did in Page. I think the basics of call taking are the same no matter where you go. There is certain information that you have to get. That is a huge part of the job. I started taking calls my third day on the desk and by the end of last week I was doing the majority of it on my own. I think I will like the job OK.

This week I started a three week training course that is mandated by the state for all dispatchers. The worst thing about it is that it is Whittier and it is a 75 mile drive one way. We decided we could afford for me to stay there one night a week so I stay on Wednesdays. It is like most training, some very interesting and some quite boring. Tuesday and today the class was on critical incidents. I think I listened with different ears than I used to, realizing that many of the things discussed (earthquakes, wildfires, mass transit accidents) could very well happen on my shift. In Page there wasn't much chance of that. Today we talked about things like suicidal callers. It was kind of a hard class for me because it brought to mind calls I have handled that I would rather forget. I have a ton of memorizing to do. I have over 200 codes and several pages of abbreviations I will be tested on next week.

Nature fascinates me

2009-09-21T11:04:00.001-07:00

I love nature. It constantly amazes me. I love to watch a spider build a web and wait for it's prey. I have several hummingbirds in my yard that are constantly flitting about, chasing each other from place to place. When I go to the beach I like to watch for little creatures as I walk in the surf. When I see the squirrel across the street carefully making his way across the powerline I wish he would come down and visit for a minute, let me touch him. It has been a new experience for me to watch the metamorphosis of our avocado tree. When we moved here in January it has fruit on it ready to pick. Towards spring time the leaves started to drop but it was different from what I am used to seeing. I never seen the leaves turn color, I just saw them on the ground and they were already brown. As far as I could tell the tree was always in full leaf. Next a whole much of little antenna like things started to grow, then they blossomed out. The next thing I was was teeny tiny avocados. Now they are almost full size. The tenacity of grass amazes me. It can look totally dead but give it a bit of water and it turns green again.

It is beautiful outside this morning and my heart and soul longs to take a walk in the desert, among the red rock and blue waters of Lake Powell. I want to stand high above the lake and watch the boats go by, sit and watch the crows soar and play on the breeze, feel the comfort and peace that is there for my heart and soul.

2009-09-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the LA County Dr. on Friday, Sept 11. He wanted to ask me questions about the spasmodic dysphonia. I don't think he was familiar with the disorder or the treatment. He asked questions about botox dosage, how the shots affected my voice, what some of the medical notes meant. I answered all his questions and he said he would have to think about clearing me for the job. in about 5-10 mintues he called back with more questions. He asked me if I was aware of what the job entailed. I told him I had been a police, fire, 911, EMS dispatcher for 5 years in Arizona, that I had handled building fires, suicides and shootings. He still seemed unconvinced. I asked him if he had been able to clearly understand me during our phone conversations. He made the comment that he had had to ask me to repeat a couple of times. I told him that was OK because I had also had to ask him to repeat himself a few times, he was asian and had quite an accent. I told him if he was looking for someone with a pretty voice that was something I would never have. I asked him to please not reject me because of this because I knew I could do the job, I have done the job for 5 years and I am a darned good dispatcher. He said he would have to think about it and call me back. In about 5 minutes he called back and said he would clear me for the job. I was so relieved I was almost ill. I have been quite nervous. It seems like I have been fighting so long to get someone to let me dispatch that now it is almost here fear I oversold myself. Even though my voice is really doing quite well I think I will always be leary in any situation where I have to talk alot for prolonged periods of time. I hope I can get some speech therapy once I get some insurance.

I texted a bunch of people and told them the news and talked to Mom and Dad and Bill. I talked to Charlene that night. It was good to talk with her for a bit but she seemed either tired or distracted. I asked her how she thought my voice was doing and she said it was great. Then she said "It really frosts my butt that you can dispatch for LA County but you couldn't for Page PD." I miss her a lot.

Mom called me just a couple of days before I got the above mentioned phone call and wanted to know how I was doing. It was good to talk to her. Dad and Bill were out fishing so it was just me and her on the phone. It was nice to have her be able to hear and understand me and she didn't even have her hearing aids in. She told me to always remember they love me no matter what.

The weather has cooled off a bit the last couple of days - there is just a touch of fall in the air. I like it, now I just wish it would rain.

2009-09-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

I am so frustrated with LA County - I don't know if I want to scream or cry. About a week and a half ago I got a letter from the requesting all the medical records relating to treatment for spasmodic dysphonia. I had a whole packet of papers Dr. Bansberg had given me when I had my injection in December so I faxed them all over. There had to be over 20 pages. Just today I get another letter asking for any notes from treatment from Sept. 10, 2008 until present. I had the injection in December and one more in March of this year. The records would read the same as most of the 20 pages I faxed in before. I called the phone number and, or course, got voice mail so I told the lady about the 2 treatments and that the records would read the same as all the previous ones and asked her to give me a call. I have no faith in her actually doing that as when I faxed in the other records I had asked her to call me if she needed anymore information, which she didn't do. Instead she sent me another letter which took another 6 days. I called Dr. Bansbergs office and asked them if they would fax the records over and sent them a fax with the information. I hope they follow through.

The foremost thought in my mind right now is that if I had never disclosed this on my medical app then I would more than likely be working now. I almost didn't disclose it, not intentionally, but just because I didn't think about it. If the lady at the desk hadn't give me my app back to fill in a couple of missing boxes it wouldn't have been on there. I debated about whether to put it on or not and decided it was best to be honest. Guess maybe my judgement was off there.

2009-08-19T19:52:00.001-07:00

I was chatting with my oldest friend a couple of nights ago - I have known her since I was 15. In fact I met her 37 years ago this month. She has been a very good friend to me, always willing to lend an ear when I needed one, never hesitated to kick my butt if she thought I needed it. Someone had told her husband of my sexual orientation and he came home irate to think she had been friends with me all these years. I guess I was a little stunned at his reaction. I have been to their home many times and while he and I weren't really friends we did chat a bit if he was around while I was there. It hurts my heart to think our friendship made their home uncomfortable, if only for awhile. I wonder if I will ever get used to that kind of anger over me and my choices. It reminded me of when another friends husband decided I was hitting on his wife when we were nothing but good friends. It changed that friendship forever and I suppose this will too. I can't imagine being comfortable going to her home to see her when I am over that way knowing it will more than likely cause her grief. For most of our friendship neither of us knew of my sexual orientation. When I realized it she was one of the first people I talked to because I trusted her and I knew she really cared about me. When we rarely even touch each other and it is even more rare for us to hug hello or good-bye. It's always been that way. I don't understand things like this but I guess I need to start thinking they will be the rule rather than the exception.

2009-08-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

I think my medical exam went fine. The Dr. seemed more concerned about my decades old knee injury than he did my voice disorder. I had to do several things to demonstrate me knee was OK but he only asked if I thought the voice disorder would interefere with my ability to do the job. I hope to hear something from someone in the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday I drove into Glendale to attend a SD support meeting. Lisa took time away from her school work to go with me. I know she really couldn't afford to do that be was awful thankful she did. It was kind of nice to walk into a place and not be afraid to speak. They were all impressed that I was going for a dispatch job. Made me a bit concerned about my ability to do it for some reason. All I know is I want to give it a try and if I don't make it then at least I will know and I will find something else to do.

I sometimes wonder if my last thyroplasty II surgery isn't beginning to kick in. It seems awfully strange to me that it would this long after the surgery - over 18 months. I normally have to get a botox shot about every 4 months. It has been 5 months now and I still have a fairly smooth voice most of the time. I don't have any volume and both of those things lead me to believe it is the implant. I remember when I came out of surgery Dr. Bansberg expected me to have a breathy voice and that is kinda what I have now. Maybe it will get stronger with time. Trying to figure all this stuff out makes me quite tired sometimes.

I have also wondered if interacting with people doesn't wear me out. That seems kind of a silly thing if it is true. I have noticed a couple of times before and then yesterday I was ready to go to bed by 8:00 and the only thing I did that was really different was go to the support group meeting. Maybe I have just lived inside my own head for too long.

2009-08-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my medical exam. I am a little nervous about it. I have been having some really rough voice days. If I had known this background process was going to take so long I would have waited a couple of months to get my botox injection. I can't afford to get another one now, I had no insurance for the last one and will be quite awhile paying it off. When we were home for July 24th weekend I felt so hopeful because I thought my voice was doing really well but I have really struggled since I have come back. If I can just get the job and have a chance to show them I can be really good in the job I hope they will work with me. When I get insurance I can go get a botox injection to hold me for a few months.

I have emailed with a couple of people who have had the SLAD-R surgery for spasmodic dysphonia and have been very pleased with the result. They go in and sever the nerve to the vocal cords that is carrying the message to spasm and route a healthy nerve to them. The success rate is 85 - 90%. I wish so badly I had had it done a year ago even though my insurance wouldn't have covered much of it.

I have felt all along like this whole process of moving here, from us finding the house to me getting the job offer to how we have, amazingly, made it financially has just gone like it should - everything has just fallen into place. I am trying to hold onto that knowledge and feeling but I am having a bit of a hard time finding it right now.

I guess what will be will be and I will roll with the punches and work with the hand that is dealt to me. I think I am just really ready to have a winning hand where my voice is concerned.

2009-08-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I could really talk if I would babble incessantly like this guy I saw at the water park today.

2009-07-27T18:46:00.001-07:00

It's hard to believe July is almost over. Seems like time goes by way fast anymore.

We have had a pretty enjoyable summer. Lots of trips to the beach. We usually take a foil dinner with us and cook it on the grill before we come home. We have a small portable grill that is just right for 4 foil dinners. We took the kids to Hatch for the July 4 weekend. They didn't want to go very badly but had a good time once we got there. Cameron and Jaden were there and they all played all day every day. We went on lots of walks, spent time playing at the park. We went up one day and looked for fossil snails and took a lunch with us. We went fishing one night and cooked hot dogs. Both of the kids caught a fish. I decided it was a waste to buy a license for me and Lisa since neither of us got to fish. Everyone was really good to us. We did all of the activities on July 4, breakfast in the park, kids races and games, potluck dinner that night and then fireworks. The one mistake we made was to come back on July 5. The traffic out of Vegas was horrible. It took us about 3 hours longer to get home than it should have.

Lisa and I went back this last weekend for the July 24 celebration. I enjoyed it immensely. We teamed up for the horse shoe tournament. We did pretty good before we got beat out. I just enjoy being with my family and it was nice for me to be there with just Lisa.

In June we went to Las Vegas to my nephews wedding. All of my brothers and sisters were there except for Lewis and he couldn't get off of work. It was nice to see Laraine, I don't get to see her often enough. We took Jamie and Jared with us. I think it is the first time either of them have been out of the state and definitely the longest trip they had been on. It was just an overnight thing but it was a chance to spend time with family.

I think I will probably go to work next month. I have my medical exam on August 6. I signed the conditional job offer a couple of weeks ago. I finally got tired of waiting and started making phone calls. I guess my file was just sitting on someones desk - anyway, I got the ball rolling again. It is time for me to go back to work.

Experiences

2009-06-02T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about the experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime. Some seemingly small and insignificant yet they still stay with me. Others larger and life changing. Some I like to take out and look at again, remember them, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. Others I would like to erase from the tapestry that is my life.

This last week I did some catering at Universal Studios. We worked on Stage 28. It is where the original Phantom of the Opera was filmed back in the 1920's and has been declared an historical landmark by the State of California. While this is probably an insignificant event it is one I will likely remember for a very long time. I enjoyed the work but was also really captivated by the place and it's history. It is supposedly the oldest stage in the world. I worked with some nice people and made a bit of money too.

When I think about some of the experiences I would like to erase, if I look closer, I see the threads that are attached to those experiences and wonder if those threads would have been woven into my life in a different way if i had not had that particular experience. Some of my best friends have been made from going through a negative experience.

I remember things from my childhood - I am sure my love of reading began when my mother used to read me a story before naptime every day. I didn't want to go to kindergarten because I knew I wouldn't get my naptime story.

Even some things that are looked at negatively at the time can have a positive effect later. I remember hating to weed the garden, now I love to garden. I remember wondering why Mom got so upset when the dogs would lay in her flower beds. Now that I have my own flower beds I love to tend I understand her frustration.

I think of my experience of working for the Page Police Department and, although it ended badly, having Charlene come into my life for those 5 years was definitely worth it. Going to work there was something I *knew* was right from the moment I was offered the job. I haven't had many moments like that in my life so when I do have one it tends to stick with me.

My voice disorder is one experience I wish I never had to experience. I keep looking for something good that has come from it but its pretty tough to find anything. Maybe that it has made me a better listener, made me really think before I speak. There has to be a reason for it, maybe when I find the reason I will be able to come out on the positive side of the experience.

2009-05-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I am going through a bicycling phase. I have ridden into Santa Paula twice in the last couple of weeks. It is close to a 20 mile round trip, maybe a bit less. The first time I went I really wasn't intending to go all the way. I thought I would just get on the road and see how far I could get and I got there. My 7 mile bike route isn't nearly as challenging as it was when I first started it. I am getting better at using my gears to be able to maintain a steady pedaling speed regardless of terrain. We try to get out with the kids at least once a week and all go for a bike ride. We should do it more often, we all really enjoy it. Lisa and I have set a goal of being able to enter a 5K race. We have only *trained* one day for it because she hasn't been feeling well this last week but we'll get there.

I think I am adjusting to having the kids here all the time. I still have aggravating days but I am getting better at letting things go, letting Jamie stomp around the house muttering to herself, trying to do a little less eye rolling when Jared cries over everything from not doing well on a computer game to the way Murphy meows at him. When I wake Jamie up in the morning and she give me that toothy grin, or I hear Jared singing in his room as he gets ready for school it really does give a bright start to my day.

A situation came up with someone Lisa considered a very good friend that has probably made me more sad than upset. This woman watches Jared after school several days a week and has even kept the kids so we could have an hour or two to ourselves. When Lisa mentioned having Jared invite her boy out to spend the night she told her she wouldn't allow that because of our relationship. One of my first thoughts was that I didn't even want her watching Jared anymore, I don't want him around someone who views his family as something wrong and bad, even though Jared seems to have a pretty level head about our relationship he still doesn't need to feel that from others. It made me a little angry to realize that this woman would be totally fine with her boy staying overnight with Jared if Brad and Lisa were still together, even though the household was totally dysfunctional and unhealthy and there was abuse going on on more than one level. It's a man and a woman together and that is how it should be. It makes me sad for Lisa too because I know she really trusted this person.

We have been going to church every week since we have the kids here. People have been really nice to us and I have actually enjoyed it on occasion. Jamie is having a really hard time and some Sundays cries a lot before we leave. She really misses her friends from the other ward. Jared seems to be doing OK with it all, he is even getting involved in Cub Scouts. We are going to go talk to the Bishop about our situation within the next couple of weeks. I really don't care how people are towards us, and I'm not concerned about any action he may take against us, I just want people to be good to the kids and let them be involved in things.

We have had an unexpected benefit from Brads recent health problems. Once his mother got into his finances we have received over $2000 in child support we never thought we would see. It still amazes me as to how all of this has worked out for us. Things have just been there, and happened, when we needed them. I really do feel very blessed and fortunate. I feel more content and at peace than I have for a very long time.

2009-05-07T15:11:00.000-07:00

I've been here almost 4 months. Sometimes my other life seems so far away. It is starting to get hot and I am running out of projects. Today I thought I should start putting a quilt together again but I really don't have any place here I can do it and I can't feel comfortable spending money on batting and backing right now. I am beginning to get bored and am realizing I should have gotten a job somewhere, doing something, until my clearance was done. It would have occupied my time and also given us income. We work a catering gig once in awhile but not really enough to make much money.

Brad (Lisa's ex) has been in the hospital more than he has been out the last few weeks. Yesterday he had his left leg amputated below the knee due to complications from diabetes. We have had Jamie and Jared for . . . a long time now, I don't even know how long. It has been a challenge for me - I never really wanted kids and while I knew kids were involved in this deal I didn't realize it would be full time. There is so much about parenting I don't understand. I was totally unprepared for a life that is centered completely around children. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish, or just unaware. I suppose this is how it is in most families, I really don't know. I am trying to get better at it but I don't think it something I will ever excel at.

2009-04-22T15:40:00.000-07:00

I took the polygraph last week - I am so glad to get that done. The examiner passed me and now it has to go through quality control for final approval. He said the only thing he could see was that my breathing was very measured. I know it is, I do that so I can maximize what voice I have. Not sure what the next step is. I know the people I put down as references have been getting a questionaire on me.

Today as I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about this whole situation and how strange it has been for me. There are times I get nervous about the job, hoping all goes well, hoping I can do it, hoping my voice will cooperate. Underneath it all there is just this feeling that all is going to be OK. It is very hard for me to trust it and I don't understand it at all.

I have changed my prayers from a few minutes on my knees to spending more time in a sort of meditation thinking of the things I am grateful for, saying the things I need assistance with, thinking of others who need help and then just spending some quiet time listening, not thinking of anything in particular. I have often drifted off to sleep by the end of it but I like doing it that way, In a way I feel it is more sincere than what I used to do.

We went to the beach yesterday and were looking in the tide pools. I saw this little multi-legged creature swimming around and, for just a moment, I wondered why I couldn't have been born as one of those. Not much thought process or brain power and probably a very short life span. Then I thought of how we consider being a human the ultimate form of life and if it really is

2009-04-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

Twice today I have gone outside and got the scent of burning leaves on the air. The smell takes me back to spring time of my childhood when Mom would start to clean the yard and get ready for spring planting. I loved helping her rake and burn weeds - well, mostly I liked the burning part. My Mom is nearing 80 now and she still loves her flowers and her garden. We always say her greenhouse is her 7th child. Both of my grandmothers also loved flowers and gardening. I guess I come by my love of it naturally. Grandma Barneys hollyhocks always grew the best caterpillars. I loved to go collect them, put them in a jar and take care of them until they spun cocoons and turned into butterflies. She also grew gooseberries - every year we would have to go down and taste them and every year they were so sour they took all the moisture from your mouth.

I also heard a rooster crow when I went outside today - more memories of home. We always raised chickens both to eat and for the eggs. Seems like we always had an ornery rooster in the flock. I probably still have a scar on at least one shin from being spurred more than once by a rooster. I loved when we would get baby chickens in the spring. They would come in the mail. A couple of boxes of peeping yellow fluff. Dad had a pen built for them and he hung light bulbs in it to keep them warm during the night. It was also fun when we had a hen that wanted to sit. When we went to feed the chickens and collect the eggs if there was a hen that wouldn't come off the nest we would tell Dad and he would put her in a special nest and collect several eggs to put under her. It was fun to see them hatch. I also remember seeing lambs being born, Dad having to go out in the cold of night to help Grandpa pull a calf, teaching a calf to drink from a bucket, feeding dogie lambs with a bottle . . .So many good times.

2009-03-30T14:58:00.000-07:00

Life goes on here. Not much new or exciting, just life. I guess that is how it is supposed to be. The weather is starting to be warm on a more consistent basis. I have lots of pretty flowers growing and a few vegetables. I really do enjoy working in the yard.

I haven't heard much on my background check. I am going to call them this week and see what the status is. I faxed one document to them twice because they said they didn't get it the first time. I didn't hear back so I think they must have got the second one but I don't know for sure.

I got my botox shot but it is always a bit difficult to tell how effective it is going to be for a few weeks. There are many times when I regret ever having the surgery done but I guess that is really useless regret. I went to Page after the shot, spent the night there. Bill was in CA so I was there by myself. He had left a list of things he needed me to do or check out. I also picked up some things I didn't get when I left. I had breakfast with Charlene and Sheila the next morning. It was really nice to see them. I didn't think Charlene was ever going to quit hugging me. After breakfast I went to Hatch to help Janett out for a few days after her shoulder surgery. I stayed at her house all but the last night. I really enjoyed being there with her. Susan and the baby were also there. I spent time with Mom and Dad each day and one night they took us all out to dinner for our birthdays. When I left Dad hugged me and told me to be careful and that he missed me and was sorry he couldn't do more for me in my life. I told him he had loved me and that was all I needed. He had tears in his eyes. I had said goodbye to Mom the night before because I knew she wouldn't be up when I left. When I packed my little cooler for the road she had put a sweet roll in it along with a note that said "Give Lisa a hug for us." I am so blessed to have such good parents.

2009-02-27T10:06:00.001-08:00

I just got back from a nice walk. I am having a hard time wanting to exercise like I know I need to but I am still managing to do it most days. I miss being able to walk around the golf course, see the road runners, bunnies and lizards. This morning I walked around some of the neighborhoods around here. This is an interesting area. There are lots of older homes but also lots of newer, modern homes. I love the older homes because most of them have a front porch. Reminds me of summer Sunday afternoons at Grandma Barneys. She had her chair, Grandpa had his chair and the rest of just just sat. I like that the house we are in now has a front porch. I have a really old chair my Mom refinished for me and I have put it on the front porch. Many mornings I eat my breakfast out there. The porch here really needs to be repainted and I am working, half-heartedly, on getting the old paint scraped off so I can paint it.

I like this area but I still feel pretty much out of place here. I thought maybe I would feel a bit at home in the LDS church here but, I don't. I feel almost like a stranger, an intruder here. Maybe its because I know nothing about anyone or anything. When I walk by a house I never nod hello or say good morning to someone I know. The only people that seem to even recognize me are the ladies at the DMV - LOL how sad is that?

I have scheduled a botox shot in Scottsdale on my birthday. I have been stressing about what to do because I knew I wouldn't have insurance before I needed one again and if I go to a Dr here I am pretty certain he will want to do all kinds of diagnostic tests before he will give me a shot. I might be able to scrape up enough for a shot ($1200) but I would never be able to pay for the tests. Not sure why it took me so long to realize I could just go back to Scottsdale one more time. Hopefully by the time I need the next one I will have insurance. The move here hasn't helped my voice as much as I had hoped it would. I would really like to try out some speech therapy.

2009-02-24T12:14:00.000-08:00

We have been here just over a month though at times it seems much longer. We are all slowly adjusting to each other and our new surroundings.

I have dug up a bunch of places to plant flowers and have planted some vegetables. Just this morning I noticed I had radishes coming up. I can't believe how many weeds and how much grass I have put into the green recycle bin. I am also about ready to hang my hammock in the back yard.

Some days I enjoy all this free time and other days I am really, really, really, ready to go back to work. I think I must be struggling a bit with depression. I don't know what else would cause me to feel so tired and worn out all the time. I try not to nap during the day - which is a huge change for me, I love naps - because I want to be able to sleep well at night without taking ambien. It also might make a difference if I didn't go to bed at 8:00 every night.

I had an interview with the background investigation unit last week. I think they have finally started on my background check in ernest. I worry about my voice more than I do the background check. Once I can get some insurance I am going to look into speech therapy. I can talk to Murphy and the birds, and most times Lisa, just fine but if it is anyone else my whole throat seems to freeze up and I have a hard time getting the words out.

We went to Jamie and Jareds baptism last Saturday. I guess this is one occasion where my obliviousness worked to my benefit. People weren't overly friendly to me but no one was overtly rude either. Lisa said she noticed some disapproving looks and I guess there was talk afterwards about how brazen Lisa was to bring *her* (me) to the baptism. I guess I didn't think I would ever hear myself being referred to in those terms but - it is what it is and if people choose to dislike me that is their right. If Jamie and Jared had asked me to stay away I would have but they didn't and it was their day so I went.

We have been to the Ward here a couple of times and to a Universalist Unitarian Church once. The UU church was different but I liked it, it was very peaceful and uplifting. We will probably go back there again this Sunday. People at both places have been very welcoming. The missionaries have been over a couple of times. This last time they almost insisted that we give them a date when we would come to church and stay for the whole 3 hour block. We finally got through to them that that just wasn't going to happen. If we wanted to do that it would be on our own timeline. They didn't make an appointment to come back again which is probably just as well.

2009-02-03T14:27:00.000-08:00

I have been working in the yard most of the day. I am tired, sweaty, have already broken my new shovel and uncovered a rock that is too big to move alone so I decided to take a break and write a bit.

I am pretty amazed at how at peace and comfortable I am here. I really do like this area. The population is just over 14,000 and the elevation is 469 feet. A bit different climate than I am used to but I am loving the nice weather. When we went to Walmart yesterday I realized that it is probably time to start planting a garden so I have been working on the garden spot today. I enjoy yard work much more than I do housework.

We have been to the beach a couple of times. The weather has been just beautiful both times we went. Yesterday it was mid-70's, not a cloud in the sky and very few people. I really hated to leave. I am thinking I might be making a few trips to the beach on my motorcycle before I start work.

I talk to Bill at least once a week and email him a weekly update as to what I am doing. I know he doesn't hear well on the phone and it is much easier for both of us if I can write and he can read. He never responds to them but tells me he enjoys them. He always sounds good when we talk.

Not long after we got here we went to the wedding of a couple of Lisas lady friends. It included a dinner and we were set at the same table as a very nice couple, Vicki and Helen. Vicki is from Monroe, UT, not awfully far from Hatch. They seem like really nice people. We are going to meet them at the beach for dinner in a couple of weeks. Helen is a nurse so she might be able to help Lisa out some along the way. I'm hoping for a good friendship to develop.

2009-01-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a rainy, overcast and I haven't accomplished much of anything. I kinda gave my permission to just take the day off. Lis and I did go for a good walk today, we walked to the grocery store and got stuff to make hummus with. Even though it is rainy and overcast it is still 60 degrees outside. Lisa is working tonite and I am just sitting here listening to the Tennessee Lady Vols basketball game on the computer. The house is so quiet. I am sitting in the living room, I am trying to get out of the habit of basically living in my bedroom. I have moved my laptop out and leave it in the living room rather than the bedroom. I remember when I was a kid my mom used to say if I had a bathroom and food in my bedroom I would probably never come out. I was feeling a need for some comfort food tonite so Murphy and I shared a package of mutton.

I got a job offer from LA County, Santa Clarita station, this week. I accepted the offer. They still have to do a background check on me and it will probably take about 3 months to complete. That is pretty standard I think. I kinda wanted to work at Simi Valley, and I will still test with them tomorrow, but I have trusted the process with this move so far and I will continue to do so. I worry alot about my voice holding out. I know I need to take this time to really work with it, read out loud, meditate every day. When I did my oral interviews my voice was so good. When I talk to just Murphy it is so good. Makes me crazy trying to figure it out. I hope this last botox shot will last until I can get some insurance. I might ought to put a $1000 aside just in case it doesn't.

I found a place to fix my motorcycle. They came and picked it up yesterday. The initial quote was almost $600 but when he looked at it it was just the radiator overflow tank instead of the actual radiater that was damaged so it should be quite a bit less. I told him to tune it up for this altitude while he had it.

2009-01-19T18:47:00.000-08:00

We are in our house and have most of the stuff put away. We stored a lot of it in the garage because there just wasn't room for it all in the house. It is a nice house, it is older and has been re-done. The outside and the yard need a bit of work but I don't mind doing stuff like that. We are in Fillmore. It is an agricultural area. We have a lemon tree and an avocado tree in our back yard. I love being able to make fresh lemonade. There are numerous fruit and produce stands just a few miles down the road from us. The weather has been amazingly warm. I have been in shorts and bare feet and we sleep with the windows open at night.

We got the truck loaded and unloaded OK. The only mishap was unloading my motorcycle. It high centered on the truck before coming down the ramp and I think I tore the bottom out of my radiator tank. I tore the bottom out of some tank. I hope I can get it fixed in the next couple of weeks. This is perfect motorcycle weather

My animals seem to be adjusting well. Sammy has plucked some feathers but I have seen him with less. He seems to want to spend more time with me than he did before. It has been a long time since he wanted to come sit with me. I am really proud of Murphy. He has been such a good cat. I love that boy, he always brings me comfort.

I interviewed at 2 different locations for LA County Sheriffs office. Both places talked like I would be among the top candidates. I also went to an open house for applicants at Simi Valley. That is where I would really like to work. It will probably be 3 months before they make a decision though. If I am out of work for that long I will be stir crazy.

I think it is more of an adustment for us to make a life together than either of us thought it would be. I think probably about 5 days is the most we have ever spent together at a time. I get homesick, I always have ever since I was a kid. Sometimes I long for something familiar. It's hard to realize that my family is now almost 10 hours away instead of just over 2. I sometimes wonder if I am just not spouse or partner material. Maybe I am only good as a friend. I will probably end up being some crazy old lady with a houseful of birds and cats and will make news of the weird and strange on the internet.

2009-01-09T10:26:00.000-08:00

I have most of my things that can be packed packed. Some of it will just have to be loaded. I will pick the truck up in a couple of hours and get a few hours packing in this afternoon. I hope to get enough done that Lisa and I will be able to finish it after we get in from Phoenix on Saturday, that way we can head out early on Sunday. Unload the truck and load up her apartment on Monday.

I think this is still a bit surreal to me. I went for a walk around the golf course this morning, watch the sun on the vermillion cliffs, looked at the canyon carved by the Colorado River. I love this area. I don't think I am able to get my mind around the fact that this morning is the last time I will be able to see those things for awhile.

We had kind of a scare with my Mom this last week. She went into the hospital with a rapid heart rate. They couldn't get it stablilzed so they had to put her our and shock her heart to get it back into rhythm. She went to see the heart Dr yesterday and he said she is OK but if this happens again they will have to take her in and do something with the electrical impulses to her heart. I worry so much about her and not being able to be close by if she needs me. I'm glad Janett, Barb and Lewis are all right there.

A couple of days ago I got a call from another dispatch center in LA County for a job interview. I have one in La Crescenta on Jan 15 and one in Santa Clarita the next day. The next week I am testing for a Corrections Officer position with Ventura County. I have some good possibilities lined up now I will just pray that something will come through.

2008-12-30T19:08:00.000-08:00

We got the house. That is a huge load off both our minds. The guy actually agreed to rent it to us before he even got our rental applications. I guess Lisa must have made a really good impression on him.

I also got a call today for an interview with the LA County Sheriffs Department for an interview for a dispatch position. They wanted to interview me next week but when I explained I would be in the middle of moving they moved it back to January 16. I realize there is no guarantee I will get the job but it feels good to even be chosen to interview. When I took the written test there were about 40 people who took it with me.

The way things are falling into place is almost scary to me. They haven't always happened when, or as quickly, as I would like them too but they have happened when they needed to. I can even see how being reassigned from dispatch has played into it - and that move almost crushed my heart and soul. Speaking of dispatch - I got the civilian employee of the year award for the police department. I felt honored because it was the other people I work with who made the choice.

I was listening to an audio book on my walk yesterday and one of the characters said "You get what you take," the person she was talking too corrected her and said she had it backwards and she told him no, she didn't. It made me stop and think about the difference between the two. Taking what you get and getting what you take. I think to make things happen in your life you have to get what you take.

Several people have told me how jealous they are about my upcoming move and how they wished they could do something like that. They could, they just don't. It isn't a comfortable thing to do. It is a riskly thing to do. I have a saying on my wall that was given to me by a friend. I have read it a lot these last few weeks. "One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."

2008-12-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

I spent a few days in California just before Christmas. I had a heck of a time getting there because of the weather. I ended up spending the night in Rosemond and was glad to be able to get a room there. I got to Lisas about 24 hours later than I thought I would. I changed clothes and headed to Simi Valley to take a certified typing test. I was hoping to be able to talk to someone in Human Resources while I was there but she was out for the day. I emailed her and she told me they would be doing interviews in January so I will have to wait until then.

It was a good trip. Jared was able to be with us for the first time in a couple of years and it was nice to have him there. He is such a good boy. We all went out one night and got a tree from Home Depot and brought it back and decorated it. On Saturday Lisa and I went out and did shopping for the kids then spent the afternoon with her cousin looking at houses. We found one we really liked in Acton and was hoping the owners would agree to a lease with an option to buy but they didn't. We were both disappointed. I left to come back on Dec 23. The trip back was much quicker than the trip out.

I went to Hatch on the 24th for the family dinner. Lewis made mexican food for everyone - it was really good. I love being with my family, I am really going to miss them. On Christmas morning Mom, Dad and I had the traditional sourdough biscuits, ham and eggs for breakfast and then I headed back home. A storm was coming in and I had snow packed roads most of the way home.

After Christmas Lisa and I both got on Craigslist and started looking for rental houses. We found a couple for Lisa to look at. She called yesterday and said she had found the house of our dreams, it is available and within our budget. We just have to wait for the owner to do a credit/background check on us. We hope to be able to move in around January 12.

I kind of hate to get my hopes up about the house but it seems like things have fallen into place for us when we needed them too. This house is over $300 per month less than we had budgeted and is in a good central location, not so far away that we won't be able to have the kids finish the school year in their present schools. It's just almost too perfect so, while I am trying not to hope too much, I really am.

Letters From Home

2008-12-25T14:12:00.000-08:00

I am going through stuff getting ready to pack for the move. I found 3 envelopes with stuff in them. Things I had made for Mom and Dad when I was in first grade - stuff like that. I found letters from Mom and Dad that were written in March of 1979. I remember the situation - I was
in college and our FHE leader, without our knowledge, had asked each of our parents to write their memories of us and he gave them to us. I thought I would share mine. I have often wondered how my parents saw me and this kind of answers that. First from my Mom:

Janell Barney was born om 11 Mar 1957 on her sister, Barbaras, birthday. Her parents are Dorothy Cameron and LaMar Barney. She has 2 sisters, Laraine and Barbara, and one brother, Kenneth Ray, who are older. Janett and Lewis who are younger.

She was born in the Panguitch Hospital but she lived all her life in Hatch, UT.

She weighed just over 6 lbs and had a lot of curly black hair and dark skin. She was as wrinkled as a little old lady.

Janell was a good baby even when she was sick she didn't have to be tended. Her mother was in the RS presidency when she was about 2. She never made any kind of a fuss, just give her a book and she would be good.

She had the usual childhood illnesses, chicken pox, before she started to school. He had her tonsils out when she was 6.

When she was 3 her sister, Janett, was born just 1 week after Janells birthday.

She started school at Panguitch Elementary. I think her first grade teacher was Mrs Daly (she also taught her mother in first grade) Mrs Hansen was her kindergarten teacher. She was always a good student.

As Janell grew up she was quite a tomboy. She didn't like dolls and things most girls liked, altho she got one every year for Christmas. She would rather have a flipper, pocket knife, a bow and arrow. She loved bugs. She had caterpillars in bottles all summer long, hatching into butterflys. One time she caught a baby mouse. It was so tiny and cute, she kept it in a box. She was really upset when I wouldn't let her give it to her cousin, Doris, for a birthday present.

Janell caught nite crawlers for spending money. She done this every summer until she was around 15. She was thrifty with her money, she had to want something real bad before she spent any of it. She always paid her tithing. When her regular customers came for worms they always ask where the little boy was if she wasn't around. She always wore cut offs and her hair cut real short so they thought she was a boy.

She was baptized 30 Mar 1965 by her Father in the Panguitch So Ward. She graduated from primary and was active in the mutual program, especially the sports program - softball, basketball and volleyball.

She liked to cook and took ribbons at the state fair on her biscuits and muffins.

Michelle Riggs was her best friend but most of the time she was a loner. It wasn't that she didn't have friends, she just acted like she would rather be by herself. I have wondered since if this wasn't a front she put up to hide her true feelings. She never shared her feelings with you about things that were important to her. She spent hours in her bedroom with the door shut reading a book.

Janell has always been a strong willed person. I doubt if anyone ever made her do anything if she was really against it or talked her out of anything she really had her mind set on. Most of the time her goals have been good ones, She has always done her own thing.

She couldn't stand to see anyone picked on. She always stood up for the underdog.

When she was 12 years old she started washing dishes in the cafe. She worked there for 8 years. 1st as a dishwasher , then waitress, then worked in the motel office. She made enough in the summer to take care of her needs during the school year.

She liked to go fishing and hunting with her Dad. Our first real vacation as a family was to Yellowstone Park when she was 10 or 11. When we came home we had an Indian studeny 13 years old waiting for us. He was Kelvin Yazzie, he lived with us for 12 years. He and Janell usually got along pretty good.

When she was a freshman in Panguitch High she got involved in sports. Her teacher was Margaret Nielson, later Shakespear. She was Janells idol. She was on the volleyball and basketball teams. She once got an award for being the dirtiest player in a basketball tournament (it was a bar of soap.) She worked hard to get a girls sports program started at Panguitch. The first year the girls went to a state track meet the school wouldn't give them any money to go on so Michelle Riggs mother took them up and the slept on her aunts lawn in Salt Lake.

She graduated from Panguitch High in 1975. After graduation she attended SUSC in Cedar majoring in PE.

If she as had any spiritual experiences she has kept them to herself. I hope this is what you want.

I just wanted to add that I love Janell very much. I don't always agree with the things she does but that does not affect my lover for her - please tell her this.

From Dad

Janell came into our world on March 11 1957. She was a small baby but one of the best in the world. It seemed strange to me to have a baby that never made any fuss at night.

As Janell grew up she was more interested in the things boys play with instead of the things girls did. She was always interested in bugs and would catch them all the time. She especially liked to catch caterpillars and would keep them until they turned into buterflys and then turn them loose.

Janell was a good student in school. She was good to go to church and do the things she was supposed to do. Except keep her bedroom clean.

Janell had a great interest in sports and liked to play in nearly all of them. She liked to hunt and fish. We had to get her a shotgun for Christmas one year. She hunted deer with me several years and killed a deer one year. Last year when we hunted she spotted a big buck and tried to show it to me, I couldn't see it. I tried to get her to shoot it but for some reason she wouldn't do it.

Janell has always remembered us on special days such as birthdays, Easter Fathers and Mothers day and so on. She has always been considerate of me in other ways. I remember when I worked late at night I liked to have a cup of hot cocoa before I went to bed. Janell would have some ready for me when I got home.

A chat with the Bishop

2008-12-11T15:15:00.000-08:00

I made an appointment to talk with my bishop to tell him I was leaving. Someone beat me to the punch, he already knew I was going. I told him I just wanted to tell him myself and to thank him for being so good to me. He told me he appreciated it and that I was doing the right thing. He told me he knew I would be a good support to Lisa and she needed that. He told me he had no problem at all with me going to California and living with Lisa but to always remember to be a good person. He told me there are 4 things we have to do to get to the celestial kingdom. 1) baptism 2) temple ordinances 3) melchezdick priesthood for men 4) be a good person. He said the most important of those 4 was to be a good person. The rest of the ordinances can be performed for us by other people but we are the only one who can be a good person. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do or where we would live and he told me it would work out. I told him we would probably be in Lisas ward for a bit but asked him not to send my records because I really didn't want to have anything to do with her bishop and he agreed. We talked about the various propositions regarding gay marriage that were on the ballot. He told me he really struggled with them and how they were handled and how thankful he was that our Stake President didn't really push them.

I have been so blessed to have such understanding and compassionate priesthood leaders. Before I left to go to Ogden I went to my SP because he had just recently been released from being my Bishop and knew the whole story - he never counseled me against going. Just said he wished he had the answer but he didn't and good luck.

I got a call from Simi Valley asking if I was interested in a dispatch position there. I need to take a certified typing test while I am in CA next week and get to them. I am trying not to get excited but I am pretty excited. I sure this is just the beginning of a long process. I emailed all of my family and friends and asked them to fast and pray for me that my voice would be good enough to dispatch and that we would be able to find a place to live. I hadn't planned on getting another botox shot but felt like I should so I went and did that yesterday. My voice is already very soft and I am already trying to make it louder so Bill can hear. I am not going to do that. If he wants to hear me he is going to have to put his hearing aids in. I always go right up next to him and talk in his good ear and I don't know what else I can do. I think part of my problem has been trying to force my voice to do more than it can. I want to take the opportunity of this shot to learn to speak within my limits, to learn to breathe properly and relax when I speak and not try and do more than I can.

Disillusioned

2008-12-06T09:00:00.001-08:00

I have become very disillusioned with organized religion. I am not angry or bitter, more like tired and sad. I think this whole Prop 8 thing turned out to be bad for all involved. It makes me sad that my church joined a coalition with those who were calling them evil just a few months before. It makes me sad that when this coalition started campaigning using half truths and fear mongering my church didn't stand up and say - this isn't right. It makes me sad that when this coalition wrote what was basically a blackmail letter to those supporting the opposition that a member of my churches name was included on the letter. It makes me sad to find out that the leader of the *grassroots movement* to pass Prop 8 in California has a son who is gay. How hurtful that must be for the son. It makes me sad to see the actions taken after the proposition was passed. I understand being upset because a right was taken away, I understand being fearful for your families future and rights. I, personally, was very disappointed in the outcome of the election. I don't understand targeting people with hatred because of their beliefs. Some backlash has to be expected when you are dealing with an issue as emotional as peoples family. I just don't like the way it was expressed.

I realized a couple of days ago that I almost cringe inwardly when I hear someone talk about Christ or the Lord. Made me stop and wonder why. I can get on my knees and pray at night and feel totally OK with talking to God, I don't feel out of place or unworthy to do that. I think maybe it is because so many people have been so mistreated in the name of God. So much hate and intolerance has been spread in the name of God. So many people have made signs and picketed telling me God disapproves of me, that I am an abomination because of who I love. I am having trouble putting words to this. Maybe it's like the kid who is always told - you just wait until your
Dad gets home. Before long he will start to dread the time when Dad comes home.

I don't dread talking to God, I wouldn't dread a face to face meeting with Him. I don't think I would feel unworthy to be in His presence. Maybe it is because I see him as a Heavenly Father and not as a vengeful God. I don't feel uncomfortable being in my own fathers presence and surely my Heavenly Father must love me at least as much as my earthly father. I need to hold onto the God I know and see and not the God the world has portrayed these last months. I need to be able to separate God from any religion. To know that no one has the corner on Him, that no one can tell me where He can, or cannot, be found. To know that He can live inside my heart if I will only make room for Him.

Karma

2008-12-02T14:57:00.000-08:00

I am preparing mentally to move away. I prepare a bit each day in some little way. Today I brought a 12 pack of code red to work with me and that - that is the last time I will do that. I savor every sunrise and sunset. I enjoy the look of the wet slick rock after a rain. I savor the smell of the desert when it is wet. When I go grocery shopping I am not more concentrated on wondering if Bill will use it when I leave rather than keeping what I use plus a little. When I left to move to Ogden I didn't do these things, this time I am saying goodbye.

I am still trying to prepare Bill for when I leave. I have been working with him on the computer end of the embroidery business for several months now but haven't had much success. I took him with me to the library a couple of weeks ago and explained to him how it works, how to find a book by author and told him I would leave him a list of good authors. He will just have to get a library card. I took him to Wal-Mart and had him convert all of his prescriptions he can over to their $4 prescription plan so he can continue to get those without interruption when he loses the insurance he has through me.

I still don't have any leads on a job and we may end up living in the two bedroom apartment Lisa is now in for a bit. I told her between my plants and animals the humans would have to live on the patio. I am a bit concerned about finances. Over the years I have lent a lot of money out to different family members as they have needed it. I think only one has fully paid me back. Some I am sure don't even remember they owe me money. At the time I was in a position to do things like that and I always did it without hesitation believing if I gave to others when I could that when I was in a position of need it would come back to me someway, somehow, somewhere. I guess I am about to put that theory to the test.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T10:58:00.000-08:00

I had a great Thanksgiving. We went over to Mom and Dads on Thursday and came back on Saturday. It was a bit snowy on the way over, a few cars off the road here and there but we made it ok. All the trees looked so pretty covered in snow.

We had quite a bit of family there. My younger brother (Lewis) built a new house and it had just passed inspection on Tuesday, they were moved in enough that we had dinner there. There were probably about 2o of us there for dinner including brothers, sisters nieces, nephews and their kids. I had to laugh at my nieces boy. He is about 6 years old and doesn't even know who I am. I went downstairs where the kids were playing. He looked at me and asked where I was going to sit for dinner. I told him I didn't know yet. He then told me that I couldn't sit by him because I was old and he was just little. In a bit my younger sister came down and he told her the same thing. His mom told me if I wanted to get even with him I should kiss him on the cheek. He didn't forgive me for that all weekend. They were all playing out in the snow Friday night and his hands were freezing. I went out to my truck and got a pair of gloves for him. When I brought them in he asked if they were mine, I told him no they were Uncle Bills. He told his mom that was good because he wasn't wearing them if they were mine.

Thursday night we all went back over to Lews and had left overs and played bunco. We had more for bunco than we did for dinner. We let anyone old enough to shake a dice play and then the adults help them keep score.

Friday was tree cutting day so we headed out into the snowy forest to get trees for those who wanted them. Its tradition to stop and get a candy bar to eat after the trees are down and in the truck. All of us kids and some of the grandkids went in together and got Mom and Dad a new kitchen stove for Christmas. While we were gone cutting trees my Brother In Law and my nieces husband took the old stove out and put the new one in. They were very surprised by the new stove. It's something they needed but never would have got for themselves.

For dinner on Friday Mom and I made gallons of turkey noodle soup for everyone (and yes we even made the noodles) we had over 30 people over for soup that night. I look forward to that more than I do the turkey dinner. The kids had watched I Am Legend that afternoon so they spent the night outside in the snow playing I Am Legend. I don't know what all it consisted of other than a lot of running and screaming.

As much as I hate my change in status at work I am thankful it gives me more time to spend with my family in the weeks before I move. I will miss them a lot when I am away from them.

2008-11-21T13:55:00.000-08:00

Days at work seem to take forever now. I am mostly working on helping records catch up on filing. I could be doing data entry for them but it is quite involved and no one ever seemed to have the time to train me properly so I told them I would just do the filing. I take my MP3 player loaded up with audio books and just get too it. I think the sorting before I file is more painful than the filing. I have found ways to challenge and entertain myself as I file. All the numbers on the files are color coded so I try to find the file I need without actually looking at the number. I like to make sure the files are all in the shelf nice and even and not sticking out. I know, I know, small pleasures but they are pleasures and make the job easier to do.

Last week I helped Charlene do the testing for my replacement. She came in and had me run 29's (warrant checks) on all the applicants and look in our computer system for any activity on them. Then she was telling me what I needed to do with the test booklets when they were done with the written portion, how to administer the typing test, etc. I looked at her and asked her what it said about both of us that she trusted me to to this and that I was willing to do it. She didn't quite have an answer. They had some pretty good applicants. I like to see that. They raised the starting wage by $3.80 a year or so ago and I think that really helped.

We have gone over and went fishing with Mom and Dad the last couple of weeks. Last week we went to Otter Creek Reservoir and caught some really nice fish. There was a flock of geese at the upper end of the lake and they were making quite a racket. Mom finally turned to me and said "Oh, those are geese. I have been trying to figure out what your Dad was saying to me." She makes me laugh and I love her so much. Yesterday we went fishing at Pine Lake. The fish weren't as big but the catching was faster. We fish from an earthen dam and it is kind of steep and rocky down to the lake so Mom, Dad and Bill were fishing from up on the dam and I was down by the lake. I stepped out on a rock to cast and the rock tipped. Since I had my fishing pole in one hand and didn't want to toss it in the lake or fall on it I did a slow awkward ballet and fell into the lake in a hole. The ages of my fishing companions was 77, 77 and 81, they were all at the top of the dam looking down at me saying "Do you need any help" with this rather sceptical look on their faces. LOL - Since I was in a hole I had to roll over to get out and the water was verra cold! It really was quite comical and we all laughed a lot over it. I think I bruised my ribs and my neck is kinda sore but, other than that, I am not much the worse for wear.

Past, Present and Future - Conclusion

2008-11-11T15:16:00.000-08:00

From the moment I began my relationship with Lisa I felt peace, the peace that speaks to my heart. I know many people will discount this saying it was a false peace, or I was listening to Satan rather than the Lord. After all, I was married, we were both women, how could this possibly be right? I have no answers, just a simple statement - I felt peace.

This isn't to say the relationship has been easy because it hasn't been. If you were to liken it to an amusement park - we have definitely been on the roller coaster rather than the merry go round. There have been times we almost called it quits and went on our separate ways. When one was ready to do that it seems like the other was determined to hang on, and it wasn't the same one in the same position all the time. We have made so many good memories, had so many good times, shed so many tears.

Where does this leave my marriage? It leaves it at an end. I feel a sadness as I type those words and have shed more tears over it than most would believe. I love Bill and I know he loves me but the time has come where we both know we deserve a different, and better, life than we are living. We will part as the best of friends, we have always been better friends than spouses. I will be here if he needs me, as I know he will for me. That's what friends do. I worry about him tremendously but trust that my family, and his kids, will take care of him. Since this decision has been made our relationship has been better than it has been since I came back 5 years ago. He seems like a totally different person, like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. We are able to laugh together again and enjoy each others company. I love the changes I see in him and it gives me hope that he can find a future, and a happiness, that isn't dependent on me. That is too be a burden to carry, to feel you are responsible for anothers happiness.

I suppose there will always be times when I chastise and berate myself always wondering - what if, if only, if I had just done this differently or that differently, if only I could have. I will always assign the biggest burden for the failure of the marriage to me. I don't regret the marriage for myself, I do regret the pain I have brought to Bill over the years. At the same time I can acknowledge I also brought him a great deal of happiness, as he did me, over the years.

As for the future - I will leave here after the first of the year and move to California to begin a life with Lisa. I am sad and happy, excited and scared. I don't know how, or where, we will live I only know we will do it together. I do feel a great sense of peace when I am with her. I love her. I trust her, she is safe for me. I'm not sure what greater honor I could give her than to say those two things. Those who know me know I don't give my trust easily, I may give my love easily but not my trust. We have both had our chances to walk away, with justification, and we have both chosen to stay. Through our relationship I have come to truly understand the meaning of the word partnership, to begin to understand what it means and what it entails.

Past, Present, Future Part IV

2008-11-10T09:16:00.000-08:00

Leaving my partner and family and coming back to Page was the hardest thing I had ever done. If I had known it was going to be the end of us a partners I honestly don't know that I could have done it. I left August 28, 2003.

When I came back I honestly thought I could do better than I have done. I never anticipated how hard it would be to show physical affection to Bill. At times I really resented him. I felt if he had just been able to let me go I would've been able to stay in Ogden and make a good life for myself. I felt I had let go and moved on - I had a new home, new jobs, new friends. I liked the area. There was always this huge struggle inside of me because I was there and was finding some happiness and he wasn't finding any happiness. He routinely asked me to come back. I fasted, I prayed, I went to the temple, all looking for answers but I never seemed to find any. I am to the point now where I can take part of the blame myself (as I always should have.) I really didn't do anything to make him let go. I didn't say I am not coming back, I didn't file for divorce. I didn't do anything to make it final.

I am fairly certain he expected things to be way different when I came back also. Had he known how they would be he may have been content to just let me stay gone. Ever since I came back I have looked for a reason why - why did I have to come back, what was the purpose, what were either of us supposed to learn.

Around the time I was coming back to Page Lisa rejoined our internet list. My partner and I had met her and her girlfriend several years ago. Due to some really sticky situations we really didn't hit it off very well. I thought she was very attractive the first time we met. I remember we were waiting for them at McDonalds, having no idea what they looked like. The minute Lisa walked through the door I turned to my partner and said "There she is" - Anyway, Lisa emailed me personally and told me she was sorry for the things my partner and I were going through and we begin to chat and email back and forth occasionally. We learned we had many interests in common and I enjoyed interacting with her.

In December I went back up to Ogden to visit and help get Christmas for the kids. I mentioned in an email to Lisa that I was going. In her response she said she felt a little jealous about the trip and I thought it was because she was attracted to my, now ex, partner. She had to email me back and tell me that wasn't why she was jealous (another 2 X 4 moment) she was jealous because she was beginning to have feelings for me. This was somewhat shocking to me as I was beginning to really like her but put thoughts of that way out of my mind. At that point in my life I couldn't see how anyone could ever be attracted to me, after all, the woman I had loved most in my life had just walked away after 5 years with hardly even a look back.

Pepper Spray

2008-11-07T11:43:00.000-08:00

Part of my new job duties will be transporting juvenile offenders between here and Flagstaff, as we have no juvenile holding facility here.

I was issued a duty belt along with 2 pair of handcuffs and keys, a radio and a holder for pepper spray. I was told if I wanted to carry pepper spray then I would have to be pepper sprayed. The reasoning behind this is so that if I ever spray someone and end up in court I can say I am aware of the effects of pepper spray. I thought about it and decided if I needed it I had best have it so I agreed to be sprayed.

If you are ever arrested, don't ever, ever, ever, do anything that will make the officer pepper spray you. It is the gift that just keeps on giving. It is actually cayenne pepper flakes sprayed out of a cannister with a propellant. When I was hit with the spray it was like I could feel each individual flake hitting my eyes. Your eyes immediately close and burn like the devil. It also makes your skin burn like it has been scalded. It is hard to even open your eyes and almost impossible to keep them open or see out of them.

I was taken to the shower by my boss and the admin assist where I immediately went to the sink, turned on the warm water and started splashing it in my eyes. I then moved to the shower where I had my head and face in the warm water for several minutes. Once I could almost see I changed shirts and went outside to let the cold wind blow in my face and eyes - that helped more than anything. Within about 45 minutes I was able to see well enough to drive home.

That night I decided to take a nice hot bubble bath - not such a good idea. I had been warned that a hot bath or shower would open the skin pores and you would burn all over again. They were right. I don't think I stayed in the tub for 10 minutes. My arms felt like they had been burned all over again. I went outside and stood in the cold wind off and on while fixing dinner.

Even now I swear I can get a whiff of the pepper in my room off and on.

Past, Present, Future Part III

2008-11-02T09:28:00.000-08:00

Through the online group I joined I met all kinds of women. Some I found myself being attracted too just through their online writings. Some of them I met in person. It was nice to be able to ask questions, express thoughts in a forum that was safe. To be able to connect with people who understood the things I was feeling.

Through this group I met the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I really had no intentions of meeting her or even talking to her personally. She was very well known, and popular, on the list. The time came when she was in the midst of a very painful breakup from a lover. I sent her a message telling her I was thinking about her. That lead to chatting online and emailing quite frequently. For a long time I resisted her request for contact by phone. When I finally agreed to a phone call we hadn't been on the line long when she had to go because her daughter broke her arm. We arranged to meet in June of 1998. We met in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut in Richfield, UT. I had seen pictures of her she had posted on the web but she had never seen any pictures of me. I had told her I was a middle-aged woman with grey hair. I will never forget the first words she said to me - "You're cute!" I guess she was expecting a rather doggish looking woman. We spent the day together, went to a park and talked and then went to lunch. I think by the end of the day I was pretty much in love with her - if I hadn't been before.

I sometimes think I could write forever on that relationship and still not cover it all. The joy, the pain, the betrayal. Anyway - in February of 2001 I left my marriage and moved to Ogden, UT to begin a life with her. Had I been aware of the things that had transpired in the months before I moved there I probably wouldn't have gone. I am really struggling for words here. I guess the most simple way to put it is - had I known she was still having sex with other women I probably never would have made the move but - I didn't. Even though I had asked point blank.

We lived in a rental house for the first 6 months. I worked at a spa and for a couple of chiropracters as a massage therapist. I had some money in savings we used for living expenses when my income didn't quite cut it. I sold my motorcycle so we would have money for things. We both worked as home health aides - a job I dearly loved, I eventually also went to work for the IRS as a tax examiner. We bought a house. I pulled a bunch of money out of my 401K to make a down payment on it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do but it was the only place I had left to pull from - I owed more in taxes and penalties the next year than I made.

I loved the house we bought. It was on a big lot, had a huge backyard, 2 garages, a storage shed and a hot tub. We had fun working on the house. We tore paneling down, spackled, sanded, painted, put new trim around windows and doors. I learned to do a lot of things from owning that house. I learned to repair the hot tub, replace sprinkler heads, fix PVC pipe, change out a water faucet, change locks - lots of things.

We had a lot of good times, lots of good memories but also a lot of . . . hard times. I know many nights my partner cried herself to sleep or got so angry with me she would leave the room, go to the computer room and write me an email to vent her frustrations and anger.

I think from the time I left to make a life with her I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I would have to go back to my other life. Maybe that is the reason I had to go back. At the time I thought I was doing it because it was what the Lord wanted me to do. Now, I really don't know anymore. I do know I thought if I made this sacrifice that somehow, someway, it would turn out to be the best for my partner and me and that we would be able to come back together and build a life better than either of us had known before.

It took her about three weeks to find a new girlfriend.

Past, Present and Future Part II

2008-10-22T16:03:00.000-07:00

OK - my 2 X 4 moment. As I said in Part I, I had been wondering about my sexuality for a few years but always pushed it aside after each *huh?* incident. I was working in an office with a woman I had known for quite awhile, I met her through work but had just recently transferred into the same office as her. Each morning she and I would meet with the director of training for our *morning briefing* . One morning we were laughing and joking about something and I looked at this woman and thought "Holy Shit - I am in love with her" I mean out of the blue. An attraction to her had never even come close to crossing my mind before this incident. It truly was like being hit over the head with a 2 X 4, run over by a freight train, whatever you want to call it. I was totally dumbfounded. We were nothing alike. I am jeans and sweatshirts, she is a clothes horse. I didn't drink or smoke, she did way to much of both. I had a strong belief in God, she was an athiest.

With this insight came the realization that this wasn't something I could sweep under the rug, ignore, push to the back of my mind anymore. This was something I had to find a way to deal with. I am almost embarrassed to even put my reaction to it in words. The next few years were probably the darkest of my life. When I think of it now it seems like such a dramatic and uncalled for reaction but - it was what it was. I did continue to function at work, but barely. I remember times when I would close the door and sit under my desk in the dark. Time passed so slowly, I dreaded days off because being at home was worse than being at work. I became obsessed with my weight, trying to cut all fat out of my diet. I was religious about exercise. ( i guess all of that wasn't bad - I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now :/)

She knew something was wrong with me and covered for me many times. One day I decided it was time to tell her what was going on with me. I went to her house, I paced, I shook, I started to say it a dozen times before I finally just blurted out "I'm gay." She looked at me and said "Is that all?"

I thought "What do you mean is that all?" I could not reconcile this part of myself with my view of myself. I was LDS - a mormon. Mormons weren't gay, and for sure good people weren't gay. Only weak people were gay. This was something that could be overcome with self control - it was all about control. After this she became my greatest source of support, which was good in some ways and bad in others.

I did an internet search and found an email support group for LDS who were struggling with *Same Sex Attraction*. (Funny how I found that term so much easier to deal with in the beginning and now . . . now I don't like it at all.) I joined the group and met some of the most wonderful women I have ever known. Even though I am no longer a member of the group some of my best friends today are women I met there. I had never heard anyone talk about God as being *cool* before. I was amazed there was someone who really still enjoyed spending time with her husband. One of the members used to be a RS President. It definitely made me feel like I wasn't such a freak, such an oddity.

Finding my balance

2008-10-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

On Friday I got the word that I have been relieved of all dispatch duties. I will be allowed to continue to work there but not as a dispatcher. The fire chief has filed a formal complaint about my voice and made it a liability issue. He has tried this numerous times in the past but my previous police chief always protected me - we have a new chief now, and that is all I will say about that. I had a meeting with my supervisor and the HR director for the city. They have both listened to recordings of my dispatches and both understand my dispatches plainly.

I went in to turn in my letter of resignation, my badge and uniforms today. I won't be leaving until January but if I turn in my letter now my supervisor can get started on the hiring process. While I was there she asked me what I was thinking and I told her nothing. When I got home I decided she deserved a better answer than that so I tried to put into words what is going on inside my head and why this has thrown me for such a loop. This was my email to her:

You asked me this morning what I am thinking - I will try and pull it together for you in this email. Right now, it is much easier for me to write than it is to talk. Right now, I don't really care if I ever talk again.

I am trying to regain my balance and hold on to who I am - separate from anything, or anyone, else. As I think about what that means, I go back to when I was 18, going to college. I went there to play volleyball - no one told me a freshman doesn't start, no one told me a freshman would likely spend most of their time on the bench. I didn't know those things so I went and played volleyball - I was the starting server for every game we played except for the one where I was in the hospital because I got hurt the game before. I was confident in myself and my abilities because no one told me I couldn't do it.

Years and life took its toll on me and I often wondered where that confident 18 year old had gone. I wasn't sure I could load a roll of toilet paper and do it right. I went to work at Callville Bay for a man named Dean Crane - he believed in me. What a difference that made in my life for so many years. Once again I became the person who could do anything, there was nothing I couldn't learn, nothing, given enough time, that I couldn't conquer.

One day I started to realize how really different I was from other women - I wasn't just a tom boy, someone who liked sports and guy things but I was *really* different. That put me in a place I refuse to return to no matter what other option I have to take. Inta is largely responsible for getting me through that and that is one of the many reasons I love her so much. Anyway - that was kind of a side note. I did get through it - I found the courage to quit a job I had grown stagnant in and become a massage therapist. Kim was largely responsible for that, she believed in me, she loved me, she supported me. After school I found the courage to leave a marriage that was really no longer a marriage and start a life with the person I thought I would be with until the day I died. I knew she loved me and always would, she would be my my side no matter what. You know how that turned out. When I came back here I was as close to returning to that place I swore I would never visit again as I ever hope to be.

When I got the word that I had been hired as a dispatcher I knew in my heart this was right for me. There were days I got discouraged, days I thought I would never learn all there was to learn but this was something *I* was doing - and I was good at it! I was really good at what I was doing and I absolutely loved it. I still remember the day Sgt. Bartell called me to his office after one of the first shifts I worked with him and told me thank you for all I did and what a pleasure it was to work with me. This job has been my refuge through more than you will ever know and *I* did it. My heart had found a home again that was dependent only on me.

Now, I have lost that and I need to be able to get my balance again, to remember who I am. I have always tried to live within my integrity, even when other people haven't understood, and questioned, that integrity. I don't want to do a job I can't give my absolute best to. When I come back to work I will come back as a person who is able give my all to whatever it is I am doing. If I can't do that, I don't want to come back.

J

Past, Present, Future Part I

2008-10-16T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have been contemplating the three things above, my past, present and future, for awhile now and decided to put some words to these things. It will probably take several posts to do it.

It seems like so much of my life has been shaped by the fact that I am gay - even before I knew that's what I was it shaped my life. When other girls were developing crushes on the good looking male teachers in school I was developing a crush on the opposing coach of a church league girls softball team. When the other girls in highs school were getting excited about the freshie hop or sophomore surf, I was wanting to be around my PE teachers all the time. At the time, I didn't realize what any of this meant. I don't know that I was really confused I just remember this longing to be in the presence of these women, to be near them, I missed them and thought about them all the time when I was at home.

Things didn't change much when I went away to college. Now it was my teammates on the volleyball and basketball teams I longed to be around, as well as my coaches. I never realized until much later that several of my teammates were also lesbians - including the one who spoke to share a bed with me on out first out of town trip :/.

I have to kind of smile and shake my head at the naivety of myself all those years ago. When I went to college I had never, to my knowledge, met a lesbian and didn't realize that most of the older girls I were attracted to were just that.

I don't ever recall a desire to get married and have a family. I am trying to think back now if that is really true or if I just can't imagine myself with kids now but - I think it is really true. There have been times when I have regretted not having children but I am not sure I would've that great a parent to begin with. Since I married a man 26 years my senior it was kind of a moot point to begin with anyway. That is a story I won't go into much detail about right now other than to say that, even though I was 21 when I made the decision to marry, I was still much to young - and way to stubborn, to listen to anyone who tried to counsel me.

I had been married for about . . . ten years when I started to wonder if I might be more attracted to women than I probably should be. LOL, I remember having a sexual dream about a female telephone rep that came to my work place one day and wondering "WTH did that come from!" Next, I became very attracted to, and almost obsessed with, a women who worked in the corporate offices. I attended several training sessions with her when we were implementing a new payroll system. In my mind several meaningful glances were passed between us. Whether that was a reality or just my reality I'll never know. I do know that by this time I had decided I didn't want to marry again after Bill died. My thought was to find a woman I could live with, someone I could enjoy spending time with, someone with similar interests as mine. It never really registered with me as to what this might mean. Lisa told me one day I was a 2 X 4 Lesbian, that even when something is right in my face, someone obviously interested in me or flirting with me I have to be hit with 2 X 4 before I notice it. Next post - my 2 X 4 moment!

Marriage

2008-10-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

I have not posted in quite some time....but, today I am feeling quite, not sure of what word to use, accept maybe upset. It's about this new commercial about prop 8. (Prop 8 would ban same sex marriage in California--even though it is legal right now). What this website and commercial have done is just wrong--taking words out of context, adding in their own assumptions, and embellishing facts. My hope was that the public wouldn't buy into these half truths. After some searching on the net and I was able to find a video that helped to counter the commercial. You can watch it on YouTube here.

I am disturbed that some people would use their religion to push their beliefs onto others and would also tell the public lies just to pass a proposition that will take someone else's choice away. I can only hope there are people out there that will remember tolerance, love and allowing others to have choices--like being able to marry the person they love and cherish.

This video puts everything into perspective... here

Parable of the Talents

2008-09-24T18:39:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine recently shared a letter she had written to a friend in prison. In it she talked about the parable of the talents with kind of a twist added to it. She had done a lot of research on different words, their roots and meanings and came up with the idea that possibly the talent referred to was not monetary but could possibly refer to challenges we were sent to this life to deal with. (That is a way simplified, condensed version of the letter.) She had asked me for my thoughts on the letter. This was my reply.

At the very basic you are putting a new spin the the parable of the talents. Saying that we are all sent here with . . . abilities, disabilities, challenges, strengths and weaknesses. Our challenge in life is to make a life in spite of all of this. To meet the challenges head on, learn from them what we were sent here to learn. Possibly the subjects with the 5 talents and 2 talents did this, they learned, they grew, maybe even learned from their weaknesses thereby turning them into strengths. The subject with the one talent basically chose to bury his head in the sand. (my own thought coming up here) Maybe the one talent (challenge, trial ,struggle, etc) was so overwhelming to him he just didn't see a way to ever deal with it honorably. He couldn't deal with it within the confines and restrictions of his beliefs and culture, all he had been taught to be true. He obviously displeased his master. Would he have been better off to . . . explore other avenues? Would he have been judged just as harshly had he chosen to go outside his comfort zone, outside the box he was raised in, to magnify his talent. To learn to not only live with it but to thrive, be happy, to find ways to make life better for himself and those around him.

I stopped at this point. This wasn't the direction I had intended to take this. I thought about this for two days before I responded and pretty much had it all mapped out in my mind what I would say and the points I wanted to make. When I got to this point I couldn't remember what I had originally intended to say or the points I wanted to make. I still can't, and it was all so clear to me before I started to write. I am still a bit baffled.

New Blog

2008-09-21T10:48:00.000-07:00

It's a lazy Sunday morning, I have 1:00 church and I was thinking I should just lay down and take a nap before bubble bath time. I have been working lots of hours and I spent all day yesterday in the kitchen canning so it is nice to have a day where I don't feel like I have to do anything. Instead, I decided to start a new blog I have been thinking about for awhile. I love photography so I decided to start a blog with just pictures. I have no formal training but every now and then I do get a good picture. The thing I love about digital cameras is that I can take as many pictures as I want and just delete the ones that don't turn out. My angel fish is probably shell shocked from all the flash pictures I have taken of her the last couple of days. Mostly I like to photograph nature, and my cat. My photo blog can be accessed here.

Back to Botox

2008-09-13T23:50:00.000-07:00

I finally went in for another botox shot for my voice. I swore I wasn't going to do that anymore but the struggle to talk and be understood just got to be too much. I didn't feel like I got very good results from my last shot and was probably a bit angry over all that has gone on the last couple of years. This shot seems to be working like it should. I am about 3 days into it and I have the low, soft 1-900 voice and I gotta say - it is so nice to be able to talk so effortlessly. I watch, and listen to, people talk all the time and am amazed at how easy it is for them and wonder if they really appreciate being able to do that. I wouldn't care if my voice stayed like this forever. I would never be able to scream at anyone ever again but I am sure there are worse things. I never was much of a screamer anyway. So often I think of things I would like to say, comments I would like to make, stories and experiences I would like to share but it is usually just too much effort so most of those things I just keep in my head. Most of the time I would love it if I could do all my communication by instant message. I have to be a bit more patient when my voice is this way. I normally have to work so hard to get the words out - after a shot I have to remember to just be content to speak softly and easily because the more effort I put into making the words come out the less sound I make. Here's to hoping this one lasts until at least December.

A Love Affair

2008-09-09T16:50:00.000-07:00

I have to admit to having a very intense love affair - a love affair with hummus! If you have never tried this garbanzo bean based dip you are really missing out. When I was in CA Lis, Jamie and I went to a street fair and bought some at a vendor stand. When I came back here I could never find any that came even close to what we had there, or any that was even very edible, so I started doing some research. I looked at numerous recipes on the internet and did a combination of several of them along with a couple of my own ingredients and now I can't stop eating it. I also couldn't find any chips I liked with it so I made my own of those too.

OK, on to less significant things. I took a nice motorcycle ride yesterday. I made a loop from home, up around the area of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and back again. I stopped in Kanab for an ice cream bar before making the last leg of the journey. I don't eat much ice cream but this tasted really good. It was a butterfinger ice cream bar. The area up there is beautiful - I love riding among the trees, the air smells so good. I took a camera and saw a couple of places I would have liked to stop and take a picture but I was trying to outrun a storm with some very loud thunder so I didn't dare stop. A motorcycle in a rain storm isn't fun for me.

I just got a new cell phone and I think I love it. It is the Verizon Blitz - you can see it here. (I hope I did that right - I've never done one of those before!

Agency

2008-09-03T15:53:00.001-07:00

The book I am listening too, and things I have read lately, have lead me to think a lot about free agency and how important it is to us as human beings. I believe when choices are taken from us we feel angry and trapped, possibly even depressed and hopeless. There have been times in my life where I felt like I had no choice but to do what I was doing. Those were the darkest and most hopeless times of my life. It not only affected me, it also affected those I lived and worked with. I understand we have to have laws and, by nature, some of those laws must limit our choices. When our choice harms someone else, or limits their choices the concessions have to be made. Some choices have legal consequences, some have moral consequences but all choices have consequences. Just because I believe something is right, or wrong, does that give me the right to force that same belief on someone else, thereby taking their choice away?

I am trying so hard to make sense of this gay marriage debate that is ongoing. I am trying to understand the anger, the bitterness, the fear it is generating. The rifts it is causing in communities, churches and families. I still can't grasp it. I understand some people believe it is morally wrong. I have no problem with that. I, personally, don't believe it is morally wrong but I understand there are those who do. What I don't understand is what it is turning people into. Are people hateful and fearful by nature and this is just a convenient outlet for it? Man, I hope that is not true.

I will be glad when the election is over. Maybe churches will return to a safe place, a place where all can go to be uplifted and feel loved. Maybe people will stop campaigning against someone else's right to happiness and a legally protected family. Maybe people will stop thinking that giving a right to someone else somehow takes rights away from them. My fear though is that this has created a divide that will be hard to cross. And it all seems so unnecessary to me . . .

Shift Change

2008-09-03T15:18:00.000-07:00

For over 2 months my shift at work hasn't jived with my church schedule so I haven't gone. We just had a shift change so this Sunday will be my first time to meetings in awhile. I am feeling oddly uneasy about going. Probably mostly because of the things I have read on the internet about things that have been read over the pulpit, and discussed in lessons, regarding proposition 8 in California. Things such as this fine LDS man wrote "Homosexuality is an abberation. They are queer and it is shameful they exist to pollute the decent people they come in contact with. Move them all to Panguitch or Kanab or give them bus tickets to San Francisco. Clean the streets and schools of these types and make it safe for normal kids to grow without exposure to human pollution. They and their parents should be ashamed of what they are. Get right or get out." I am not sure I can hold my tongue if I have to listen to stuff such as this. It also hurts my heart to think that my parents and brothers and sisters may have to listen to things like this when they are in church. I already know of once where my Mom and sister spoke up in RS to dispute the theory that all homosexuals are evil people. Doesn't seem like it should be this way.

To the Mountains

2008-08-31T12:41:00.000-07:00

I was able to spend a couple of night camping and fishing in the boulder mountains with Mom and Dad. It was so nice to get away somewhere cool for a bit. There was even frost when we got up in the mornings. We caught lots of fish, even caught a few grayling. We also ate lots of good dutch oven cooking. Food always tastes better on a campout for some reason. I rescued the guy on the left from the water. I had chased these little beasties all day long trying to get one to land, or hold still, long enough for me to take a pic. Once I rescued him he was content to let me snap away to my hearts content. I left him on a piece of wood, did a little reikki over him and hope he made it into the air again. I posted more pictures of the trip over on my facebook page.

routine/structure

2008-08-28T21:46:00.000-07:00

Routine....my mind needs it and my life requires it to function well. I think I never thought I would say that (out loud). It is a little bit hard for me to bounce back after the summer time. I slept when I wanted and didn't have to wake up early....but now, here I am back in school and back on a routine...and I always do so much better this way. I am so grateful Jay encourages me to keep a routine...she knows me so well.

Part of this routine is taking vitamins and meds. I was just put on more medication along with what I already take. I am thinking the combination is helping me to feel any better, but I'm not quite sure yet. I really wanted the doc to help me with the anxiety and not sleeping well. I am hoping my increase of exercise will help with the anxiety and sleep problem. Night time, or going to sleep is always hard for me. I get a tremendous amount of anxiety. I have to force myself to lie down...and then I lie there and make myself lay still...I feel like a little kid because I just wanna get up and keep playing. I sleep better during the day...go figure : /

Another part of my routine is exercise. Man, I hate doing it everyday, but I know it is so good for me. I had to talk myself into it, so I moved the Nordic track into my room in front of the tv, and.....I think it's working....but, sshhhh!!

I am still working on the eating better part....but, I will get there. I am working real hard to keep caffeine out of my diet. I've just got to move towards healthier snacks and adding more veggies and fruit into the mix....but, gotta do it one step at a time. I need all of these things to be apart of my life, not just something I try for awhile and stop doing.

Structure....hmmmm.....I know my baby girl thrives on it and I know I gotta have it, BUT, I swear it goes against my natural self...nails on a chalk board(side note here....I was always the naughty kid that did that nail thing, just to make the kids in school freak out). Anyways, its so much better when I am on a regular schedule when school is in and I have to go everyday and the kids go everyday. It helps me to be able to focus all this energy into something constructive and worthwhile. I do love school and work hard to do well. I am so grateful to have a partner who loves me enough to allow me to focus on my school work. She is so patient with me and listens to all me talk about how school is going and the things I struggle with.

This post is dedicated to my one and only. . . my angel

Then and Now

2008-08-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was reading entries in a previous blog and came upon this one written in March

the darkness beckons
how i long to accept it's invitation
to let myself be wrapped in its arms of comfort
just for today, i want to let it be in charge, in control
just for today, i don't want to be the strong one
just for today, i want someone to take care of me
but i know the danger of giving in to just for today
it doesn't stop at just for today
it begins to feel comfortable
it begins to be easier to give in than to fight
before you are aware just for today has become weeks
hot tears stream silently down my cheeks
where do i turn for strength
where do i find the courage, the desire to continue the fight
there is only one place, there has ever only been one place
and that is me - it all begins and ends with me
and so - i will look inside of me
i will find what i need to find
i will continue to fight for me
just for today . . .

I remember the day I wrote it, how bleak and hopeless life seemed at that time. Life is better now. Not a bowl of cherries every day, that is for sure, but it is still better than it was that day. On days like today I gather strength, I hoard energy and good feelings, I try to keep a small reservoir of them hidden inside of me so when harder days appear I will have something to draw on. I take pictures of things that amuse or interest me so on the harder days I have something to remind me that, surely, better days will follow.

Today I feel positive about life and the future. I have no doubt there will be hard days to come, maybe even more days like the one I wrote about. Today I am better than just OK - I am good.

CA Trip

2008-08-18T12:52:00.000-07:00

I just got back from a trip to California, I spent a few days with Lis. I enjoyed myself and my time with her immensely.

We bought Jamie a bike while I was there. She has been riding a scooter and it was stolen, she had another one but it was pretty wrecked. We gave her the choice of a new scooter or a bicycle and she chose the bicycle. We went to Wal-mart and let her pick out the one she wanted. I think she was a bit intimidated by it at first. She kept worrying that she was gonna fall or crash - "I a gonna crash . . ." She had never ridden a bike without training wheels and stopped riding when she got so big the training wheels collapsed. Her balance isn't that great so there was good reason for her concern. She wanted to show the bike to her dad and brothers so Lis agreed to help her ride it over to their house. Lis said she had to run to keep up with her. When they got home she practiced for quite awhile riding it around the back of the apartment complex. I was so proud of her for doing so well. She really took off on it.

We spent a day at the beach - that is always one of our favorite things to do. It was beautiful there, almost hot. We napped, read for a bit. I took a walk down the beach while Lisa napped, found a few shells and a couple of cool rocks. The beach is so peaceful to me. Later we walked into town and went to the health food store and the candy store. We didn't buy anything at the health food store, just the candy store - what a surprise! We then walked back to the beach and cooked some sea bass on the grill. It was a very good day.

We always exchange massages when we get together. I am a massage therapist and do massages out of my home. Lisa has never had any formal training but she does well and always manages to put me asleep on the table. It is good for both of us to get that kind of touch.

Just before I got there the county called and rescheduled Lisa's psychiatrist appointment. I was glad I was able to go with her. It was only the second time she had seen this Dr. The first time she wasn't too impressed with him cause he never looked at her and never asked her any questions. I am thinking she wish he had stuck to that. He asked lots of questions this time. Some she answered and some I answered. I think it helped him to get different perspectives on some things. I'm gonna leave this as it is and hope that she will post more about this visit if she feels inclined.

Random Thoughts

2008-08-08T14:14:00.001-07:00

Lisa and I were having a discussion a couple of days ago about personal revelation and what part it should play in ones life. She asked if it was wrong to deny personal revelation. This is an interesting question and one that, as usual, leaves me with more questions than it does answers. In my church there are those who believe that once the prophet has spoken the thinking is done, then it is just a matter of obedience. I am not sure I can agree with that. Once you decide to start denying personal revelation where do you stop, where do you draw the line. If your personal revelation goes along with the church leaders counsel then you accept it but if it doesn't then you ignore it? If that is the case, what is the purpose of praying about anything in the first place? I do know obedience has it's place but why are we given personal revelation if we are not to use it to guide our lives? I suppose the opposite is true too, why have church leaders give counsel and instruction if we are not to follow it? Maybe it is like the conundrum of Adam and Eve in the Garden. Adam was determined to do all the things the Lord commanded him. The only catch was that to be able to multiply and replenish the earth he had to leave the garden of eden, he had to partake of the forbidden fruit. I believe the best a person can do is find a place of peace to live their life and do what they can to stay there. If you are constantly checking in with the Lord about where you are, and how you are doing, if you are really listening with an open heart and mind and you feel peace with your decisions and where you are I don't know what else you can do. I don't know what else you can be expected to do.

This life is hard, no doubt about it. I know people who seem to think we were sent to the earth to suffer, that we aren't guaranteed happiness in this life, that it is something that is to be endured. I don't believe that. It's true, we aren't ever guaranteed happiness, we have to make our own. I believe if you are unhappy you need to make some changes in your life. I don't think happiness is necessarily the same as easy and easy is not necessarily the same as simple. Some changes may be simple changes but it doesn't mean they will be easy to make. Some things in life are going to be hard but that doesn't mean they have to bring unhappiness. If we can't find happiness in this life I don't believe we will be magically blessed with it in the next life. Life is so much harder when you see yourself as the victim, when you see all around you through a glass of negativity.

I will be going to Northern Utah for my cousins funeral on Monday. He was only in his mid 40's when he died. At one time he had a very good paying job as an accountant for the government. Then he started to drink and just couldn't seem to stop. Years ago I probably would have been very judgemental towards him and his situation. Now - now I just feel sad that he didn't have a better life. I am sad that, when he seemed to be getting his life together. his life ended. I am sad for whatever situations in his life drove him to alcohol in the first place. I know he was a good man, the person he harmed most was himself. I hope he can have a season of peace now.

I think I probably could have summed all of this up by posting the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by LeeAnn Womack

I HOPE YOU DANCE

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

An Instrument?

2008-08-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

I was wondering yesterday if the Lord has ever worked through me - used me as an instrument to help others. I sometimes think maybe that has happened and then I think I am rather egotistical for even wondering it let alone seriously considering it.

Books

2008-08-02T14:06:00.001-07:00

I love to read. I have for as long as I can remember. One of my favorite childhood memories is of mom reading to me before I lay down for my nap. I remember not wanting to start kindergarten because I knew there would be no more stories before nap time.

One of the reasons I love to read is because I can put myself in the story - I can imagine myself there. I have gone so many places through the books I have read, places real and places imagined. I have played quidditch and stolen through the halls of Hogwarts with Harry Potter. I have been on a quest to recover a ring with Frodo and ridden with Belgarion to save a kingdom. I have traveled back in time to the 18th century and the Scottish Uprising and met people I long to know in real life.

I like historical fiction, crime novels, comedy, mysteries, some romance if it has a worthwhile story to go with it. I like books that make me think about the people in the book after I am finished, I want to know more about them.

I love Vampire books. I read all the Ann Rice vampire books and have read all of the Stephanie Meyer vampire books and am just starting a series call the Nobel Dead. I picked the first book up at the library a couple of days ago and am having a hard time putting it down. I am hoping to get off work before the library closes tonight so I can see if they have the second book. If not I have already scoped it out on amazon.com

Going Home

2008-07-29T16:34:00.000-07:00

When I sat down to do that last entry this is what I intended to write on. Not sure how I got off on the topic of same sex marriage.

My days off fell just right so I could go home for the July 24 celebration. I love going home. I feel such peace there and am always able to relax, recharge and remember I am loved. I grew up in a small town in southern Utah. When I say small, I am talking 100 people. I always tell people I had an ideal childhood. Lots of outdoor activities, camping, cookouts, deer hunts, fishing. We also learned to work since we lived on a farm of sorts. Learned how to garden and take care of animals. One thing my mom would never allow us girls to do is learn to milk a cow. She said if we did then we would be left to milk the cows while the guys went fishing - that was good enough reason for me. Man - I have so many childhood memories I could write here but maybe I will save those for another post.

We went over on Tuesday, July 22. That night we went fishing with my parents, my younger brother and 2 of his kids. We caught a few fish, gave them all to a boy scout troop from SLC that wasn't having much luck catching anything. We also taught them to fish, showed them what kind of tackle they needed, explained how to use it, etc. We stopped on the way home and had a hamburger. It was just a really nice evening, very relaxing.

The next day we went out to cut a load of wood and got stuck in the mud - I mean we really got stuck in the mud. A couple of guys come by with their big 4 X 4 and were gonna pull us out. Dad tried to tell them he didn't think they should try but they were convinced it would be a snap. They got stuck too. We did manage to get them pushed out before they got stuck too badly. It too us 90 minutes using come alongs to get out. We did get a good load of wood though.

The next day was July 24 and started off at 6:00 AM with some kind of big cannon type booms. At 7:00 was a pancake breakfast put on by the fire department followed by a parade at 10:00, races and all kinds of games and a dunking machine for the kids and horseshoe tournaments for the adults. I played in both the singles and doubles horse shoes, it was lots of fun. I missed having Lisa there as my partner this year, we actually did pretty well last year - especially since we entered mostly because she told me how good she was . . . then I found out she had only played once or twice in her life - LOL. We beat the braggart team of guys and that was better than the championship. Anyway, back to this year. at 6:00 was the pitt BBQ dinner. Pitt BBQ'd beef and pork, dutch oven potatoes, rolls, salad, cobbler and homemade rootbeer - all for $5.00. After dinner a bunch of the older folks sat around with guitars, banjo, accordian, etc and played songs for a sing along. Later that night there were fireworks. It was a really enjoyable day - probably the kind of celebration you can only have in smalltown USA. I had to be back to work at 2:00 on friday afternoon so we just got up and went home.

There are no words to express how much I love my mom and dad and how grateful I am to them for making home a place we all want to return to. Even the grandkids like to come back and bring their kids to stay for a few days. I know they had different hopes for me and my life than how it has turned out and the choices I have made but - there is no doubt in my mind that I am loved and I don't know what better gift they could give me.

Same Sex Marriage

2008-07-27T20:17:00.000-07:00

As you might expect, I was pleased with the decision of the California supreme court to allow same sex marriage in that state. It opens up some good possibilities for us in the future.

I don't know if it is still as big a deal in the CA papers as it is in the UT papers or not. I read the SL Tribune and, occasionally, the Deseret News online. At least once or twice a week there is an opinion in one, or both, papers on the topic. I always read the article and most of the comments, at least as many of them as I can stomach. I don't know which are worse, the supposed Christians or those who hate the supposed Christians. Some of the things the Christians write are so obnoxiously moronic in their reasoning and so hateful it makes me almost be ashamed to call myself a Christian. Interestingly enough, it seems the gay people are most sensible and down to earth about it all. In almost every article that comes out someone asks for just one legitimate reason to deny same sex marriage without bringing religion into it. I don't think anyone has done that. There is always the argument that homosexuals can't reproduce, and the countering argument that they can cause many of them have kids and if that is going to be a criteria for denying marriage then older people and those who don't want, or can't have, kids should also be banned from marrying. Then there is the asinine argument that if you legalize same sex marriage then people will want to marry their dog or a mother, or father, will want to marry their daughter. Some are very sensible and consistent in their responses. The same ones always quote the same scriptures. They quote Leviticus, seeming to dismiss the fact that Leviticus also bans the eating of shellfish, the wearing of blended clothing, encourages the stoning to death of a child who disobeys . . . it's all just craziness. Today someone quoted the scripture about God giving us weakness, etc, etc, etc and a commenter said maybe the test wasn't necessarily for the homosexuals but for the heterosexuals to learn tolerance and love. I thought that was an interesting observation.

It makes me very sad that my church, along with others, are encouraging their members to vote for a constitutional amendment in CA to ban same sex marriage. They say the ban is pro family but I don't really understand how it can be when it is voting to deny rights to so many families. A ban on same sex marriage won't decrease the number of same sex families - it will just make it harder for them to get the rights and protection they need, and deserve. To me, that is anti-family. It puts a lot of families of gay people in a very tough situation.

One blog I read on the subject, the writer was invited to a gay wedding and asked his readers what they thought, should he go or not. Almost everyone of the staunchest *Christians* told him there was no way he should go. If he went he would be sending the message that he approved of what they were doing. He needed to stay away so they would know that he, and God, disapproved of their actions. Again, it makes me shake my head and makes be very sad at the things people will do in the name of God.

this illness

2008-07-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

I have been wanting to post for some time now, but didn't want to be a downer to our blog. But, perhaps it's time now.

I have been having a hard time lately. Not sure there is much to write. I just want to to feel better again, totally better. I was given ativan to help with my anxiety and it is causing problems with my mood and sleep, ect. I am trying to come off of it, but its been very hard. I have anxiety all the time now. I have started excercising regularly to offset the constant anxiety, but that only works for a couple of hours. I know things will get easier again, but all this craziness has stirred up my life and my relationships and has brought on some darkness...oh, the darkness. Dont like to talk about, feel it, acknowledge it. Just want it gone, so I can feel me again.

Sometimes I think my life is so hard and I think i just cannot take another step. But, sometimes I am so grateful for the many things it gives me.

I know the peace and stability will come back, just have to get through this hard stuff for now and try and learn something from it.

I will be grateful for the light again.

Days Off

2008-07-17T17:56:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a relaxing day on the lake to recharge your batteries and rejuvenate your soul. The purpose for going on the lake was just to relax and swim. The fishing usually isn't too good this time of year but decided to give it a shot anyway.
It was one of the best fishing days in recent memory. That pic above is me with a pretty nice sized walleye. Crappie, small mouth bass and 1 striped bass were also among the days catch. The day was beautiful and the water was refreshing.

These days off are just what I needed. On Wednesday I really didn't do much of anything, mostly just rested. Thursday was the lake trip and I even ordered pizza when I got home so I didn't have to cook. Today I mowed the lawn, fixed a leaky faucet at the kitchen sink, took a nap, read a book, loaded audio books on my mp3 players and fixed the most delicious dinner. I am so pleased that I finally figured out how to cook london broil. I fixed some when Lis was here a couple of months ago and was almost embarrassed it was so bad. What I fixed tonite was excellent. I grilled some onions and anaheim peppers to go with it and fixed some fresh squash. AND - I really don't know why I am writing all of this - no one reads this blog but me and Lis and we both know all this stuff! LOL, oh well . . .

I am off to a softball game tonite. Hope I can stop more balls with my mitt this game than I do my legs, the mitt doesn't seem to bruise near as easily :/

Today . . .

2008-07-15T17:55:00.001-07:00

. . . was a much better day for me. First day for a bit that I haven't felt this huge sense of heaviness inside. Maybe I was just over tired. I have promised Lis to try and get my whole 3 days off this week. I think I should be OK unless I get called out to do a prisoner transport. Gonna go out on the lake tomorrow and see if there is a fish that wants to be caught and do a bit of swimming.

I made my first attempt at making creme brulee today. I chose a recipe that was a low fat version so I am not quite sure what to expect. I decided if I don't like it I won't make it again and will try a different recipe next time. When we had it in Alaska and it was so delicious when I saw the recipe was basically heavy cream, sugar and egg yolks I knew why. I am not expecting my low fat version to match what we had there but I am hoping it will be something I can make again.

I made halibut for dinner tonite, the first of the halibut I have done since coming back from the trip. My gosh it was good. It didn't quite match up to the salmon I did last week but it was danged close. I have been able to share some of the fish with some friends and am always so happy when they like it so much. I can't wait to take some to Lis next month, she would eat fish every day if she could.

Depression

2008-07-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Man, it seems to have me in its grips and it is just not letting go. I am always tired, a little on edge, my whole body and soul just seem heavy, my voice is struggling.

I went on prozac about 4 1/2 years ago and did ok on it. I then went on a natural substance for depression and was mostly ok on it. It was so expensive though, I couldn't justify paying $90 a month for it when I can get a 3 month prescription of prozac for $20. I went back on the prozac about 4-5 months ago. At first it worked really well, I really did feel good, even woke up feeling good, which is rare for me. I don't know what has happened these last couple of weeks, it's like I am back where I was 6 years ago. Back then I remember waking up in the morning with a feeling of dread to the point where I would cry some mornings. I was usually ok after I got my exercise done, it seemed to lift the darkness. I do know how vital exercise is to my mental health. I often wish it wasn't so but it is just a fact of life for me. Some mornings when I work days, and the clock says 5:00 AM, my body so wants just another hour of sleep but I know, in the long run the exercise will benefit me, and everyone around me, more than the sleep will.

I think depression runs in my family on my dads side. My younger sister has a really hard time with it, much, much worse than I do. She has attempted suicide at least once that I know of, my grandfather on my fathers side commited suicide when I was 15. At the time it was so hard for me to understand why he would do that. Unfortunately, I understand it more now than I did then. At least one of my brothers has also been on an anti-depressant and maybe both of them.

I hate this, a person shouldn't have to take a pill just to be able to want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't like to consider it an illness but I guess maybe that is what it is. To me it feels like more of a defect, something I should be able to overcome by sheer willpower. I sometimes think I still haven't recovered from the Alaska trip. That trip really was physically exhausting. I have also probably been working too much, by the time I get a day off again I will have worked 12 of the last 13 days, all but one 10 hour shifts, 3 different shifts. I think the hardest part is changing shifts, I went from swings to graves to days in a matter of 4 days, I can't seem to catch up with myself.

The Boy Kitty

2008-07-09T16:24:00.001-07:00

In my last post I made reference to the Boy Kitty. This is him, my Murphy. I always say he is just a little person trapped in a kitty body. He came to me at a very low point in my life and, almost literally, saved my life. I took him from a 2 cat household because he was beating up on the other cat and his humans needed to find him a new home. The first week or so I almost gave him back. He hid all day and wandered the house yowling at night. I am so glad I didn't give up on him, he is my best friend in the whole town. He has stayed beside me through more tear drops and sad lonely nights than I care to recall. He has such a personality and lives by the mantra "I don't get mad, I get even" and he rarely stops until he does. I think he has a secret life as a spy kitty for the CIA. He is often rushing around on some unseen secret mission only he recognizes. With these amazing credentials it is no wonder he is also over yard security for my home. He does perimeter checks several times a day. Just yesterday he was sneaking up on an enemy crow on the other side of the fence and was justifiably pleased when the crow flew away. It is his duty to check each new package or item that comes into the house, sometimes even being so dedicated as to crawl into a box to do it.

He is a helper kitty extraordinaire, as you can see by this pic of him *helping* me put a quilt together. He is always there for every project I do inspecting and giving advice. I'm not sure how I ever completed a task before I became his human.

What more could a girl ask for?