I think this has been the summer of my discontent.  The first part of May I made a trip to Page and Hatch to visit with Bill and my family.  While I was there I loaded up the back of the truck with wood so we would have some for this winter.  When I got home I was unloading the wood.  I stepped down from the hearth and twisted my ankle.  I felt if pop and went down immediately.  I have had many sprained ankles and by morning I knew there was something different about this one so I went to the Dr.  He sent me into Santa Paula for x-rays, when I got back to his office the girls had made me an appointment with an orothopedic Dr. in Ventura.  I broke my 5th metatarsal and the fibula of my right foot/leg.  I was in a boot for several weeks.  One morning I was cleaning house (without my boot on) and I slipped on the wet floor and twisted my left knee hard.  I have already had 4 surgeries on that knee so I really cursed when I went down.  For quite a few days it was hard to tell which leg I was limping on.  I went back to the Dr. and in for more x-rays.  When he looked at them the Dr. told me I had quite a bit of arthritis in the knee and knee cap and wanted me to try some physical therapy.  He couldn't tell if the ligament had torn again from the x-ry.  I think it did because of how hard it twisted and how loose it still feels.  I start the physical therapy this week, I will see how that goes and if it doesn't tighten it up I will ask for an MRI.  I am determined not to give up doing the things I enjoy, such as golfing and hiking, even if it means I have to have a knee replacement.

By the end of July I was no longer limping and was thinking I was ready to try golf again.  We had planned a 4 day camping trip to Sequoia the first weekend in August.  I had 4 days off at schedule change and got an extra day off so we could get up there on a Thursday and get a camping spot.  Wednesday morning, August 1, we were loading the truck so we could leave early the next morning.  I was chopping up some wood for kindling.  I had one piece that needed just one more cut so I gave a mighty swing with the hatchet and cut the tip of my left forefinger off.  We went to urgent care to get the bleeding stopped and get it bandaged.  There was really nothing they could do other than cauterize it.  It is still pretty nasty looking and very tender, especially if I bump it on something.  Looking for something positive about this, I am fascinated at watching it heal.  I am surious to see how much of it will grow back.

So, I have spent the whole summer with one injury or another.  The girls at the clinic know me well and just shake their head when I come through the door.  We were both so looking forward to the trip to Sequoia and it was pretty much a downer when we had to just sit home for 5 days instead.  When these things happen I tend to feel foolish, and very old.  I don't know that age really has that much to do with it but I always seems to associate the two.  I have tried to console myself this last week or so that I get injured because I do things.  If I just sat home and didn't do anything I wouldn't be getting hurt, I try to tell myself this means I am living life instead of just watching it pass me by,

Valentines Date

I bought us tickets on the Murder Mystery Dinner train for Valentines.  Dinner was prime rib, we were both really looking forward to it.  We picked up our passes and were waiting to board the train when we realized it was set up as tables of 4, and we were likely the only gay couple signed up. I never even thought about it when I bought the tickets.  We live in a fairly conservative area and were a bit concerned about the reception we would get.  Our tablemates were a bit quiet as we sat down.  I finally introduced myself (something I almost never do) and that broke the ice a bit, the more they drank the chattier they became.  The murder mystery was set as a Love Boat theme.  The cast did an excellent job and we were really enjoying the evening when "Captain Starbucks" came to Lisa, took her hand, led her into the aisle and sang her a love song dedicated to her from me.  Everyone cheered, we blushed.  The captain came back in a bit and said he hoped he didn't embarrass me.  I told him it was all good.  He then asked me if we were married and I told him no.  He pcked up my left hand and looked at my ring and said "Get married."  So much for our concern.

 I have been off today and haven't done much of anything except my exercise, I am still in in exercise shorts and haven't even brushed my teeth, well, I did just water all my plants.  Both my Thanksgiving and Christmas cactus were loaded with blossoms this year and my geraniums bloom year round here.  I have seen poinsettias planted in someone yards that are taller than I am.  The weather here has been kind of freakishly warm, a couple of days we were close to 90.  That somehow seems wrong for January.  I have windows open on both ends of the house right now and there is a nice breeze blowing through.  We have even slept with the windows open a few nights.  Ken and Elaine are coming to visit for a few days the first weekend in February.  I hope some of this nice weather is around then.  They are flying in on Fri morning and back out on Mon afternoon.  It will be good to see them.

I am going to make an appointment next week for Murphy to have his teeth cleaned.  I think maybe he is having a hard time eating the dry cat food so we have increased his soft food by quite a bit.  They have to put him under to do it and that kind of scares me but I know he needs it done.  I suppose it would be like me not brushing my teeth for 11 years instead of just one morning.

We are trying to eat more healthy foods,  more whole grains, less sugars and starches.  I have started eating honey on my cereal in the mornings instead of sugar - I was kind of surprised at how good that is.  We needed more honey so we decided to make a trip to a honey farm that is just outside of town.  It was a very neat little place.  I think I tested at least 10 different kinds of honey and was surprised at how much difference there is to the taste of each kind, for this trip we settled on the orange blossom, the eucalyptus was pretty tasty and, or course, the clover.  What I really liked though is that they have this thing on the wall like a deep picture frame and it is a working bee hive.  There is a tunnel at the bottom that leads to the outside so the bees can come and go.  I think I could have watched that thing for hours.

I might have to go to court on February 7th on a shooting that happened here about 18 months ago, the same thing I had to go to LA for deposition on a few months ago.  I really hope they will settle outside of court or decide they don't need my testimony because I really, really don't want to go on the witness stand.  Things are going ok at work, they won't make a decision on the position I applied for in the pawn detail until March but I am pretty sure they had someone in mind when they posted the job.  There is another position open in the CPU (crime prevention unit) as kind of a community liaison but I am not interested in doing that.  I want something that will make my mind work and let me analyze and figure things out.  I really don't do all that well relating to people.  My favorite watch deputy retired the middle of last month.  She is just a couple years older than I am and also an animal lover, I miss working with her.  I am not sure who they are going to fill the spot with, no one seems to want it.  I wish they would hurry up and do it though so we can get them trained right :).

This menopause stuff is about to wear me out.  Too many ups and downs, sweating hot one minute then cold the next, mood swings, more depression than I am used to, no energy or motivation some days, it all makes me very tired.  I have an appointment with the Dr in a a week or so for a general check up.  I guess I need to start doing stuff like that more regularly.  It is hard to believe that come March I will have 2 sisters in their 60's.

We have been attending the Unitarian Universalist Chuch.  Every Sunday when the kids go out to go to their class we create a Bridge of Love for them to walk under and sing these words.

How could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?

How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?

How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle?

How deeply you're connected to my soul.

The song touched me the first Sunday we attended.  This last Sunday as I was thinking about the words I realized this is something we should be singing to everyone from cradle to grave.

It has been very different for me to attend a Church where there are no prayers, no sacrament, none of the rituals I am used to.  There are rituals but they are non-denominational rituals.  The main focus seems to be on how we are all connected to each other - the word they use is "inter-dependent".  It has made me think about the purpose of organized religion.  Does every religion really have a different purpose?  I understand they all have a different belief system with some elements being shared among many religions - but isn't, or shouldn't, the main purpose to be to care for one another, to form a community of support and love?

I think I will always be a Mormon at heart but I am giving myself permission to try and fit into this new community that seems so welcoming and non-judgmental.

I love my life here and where we live. I love being so close to the beach, how the air is almost always cool in the mornings. I love all the fruit trees and seeing all of the fields go through their growth and harvest cycles. I love how many hawks there are out here. I love being able to sleep with the windows open for most of the year and, of course, I love my family and the things we do together.

Some things I miss about where I used to live are - being close to Mom, Dad and other family, a distinct change in seasons, cutting wood, fishing trips on the lake and to the mountains, my old job and the people I worked with, mostly Charlene. Sometimes I miss the desert heat, being able to ride my motorcycle at night without having to bundle up, the sunrises and sunsets. I miss my yard, sometimes I miss Bill.

There are things to love no matter where I am - it is up to me to search those things out.

I am going back to work after having 18 days off. I think this is the first time I have really noticed the stress my job causes for my mind and body. I notice it some at work, especially if it is an extra busy shift, but I notice it more in my off work hours. My mind has always craved peace and quiet and those two things are in pretty short supply during an 8 hour shift in a police dispatch center - especially this one where our space is so limited. We rotate so many light duty deputies in and out making it hard to have a consistent staff. I find myself doing my own thing while keeping an ear out for what the deputies handling because most of them really aren't trained for the desk. I sit next to the watch deputy all most all the time now so I keep my third ear on the radio :/. I find myself just wanting to veg out during my off work hours so I guess it is time to going back to making lists in my mind of things I need to do each day.

We had a really great vacation. We went to Utah for the July 24 holiday and spent time with my family. I can't even say how much I enjoy that. I love to see Jamie and Jared playing outside with other kids until dark instead of watching TV or playing on the computer. It is nice to be able to just let them go and know they are OK, if they aren't at Mom's then they are with kids at Janett's or Lew's. I think it is nice for them to have the freedom too. For some reason I feel some kind of protection from the outside world when I am at Mom and Dads house, not sure how else to explain what I feel when I am there.

When we got back from Utah we took a camping trip to Kings Canyon/Sequoia Nat'l parks. What a beautiful place that is. I loved the trees, the river, the cool air, the campfire. It was a very nice trip. I think we all enjoyed it - well, Jamie was kinda grumpy but the rest of us had a good time.

The process of aging has been on my mind a lot lately. I see my hair getting more gray, my skin losing some of it's elasticity, age spots sneaking up on my skin, I notice how it takes my body longer to heal from an injury. In my mind I don't feel 54 - I want to run and play like I did 40 years ago. When I was at home the great nieces and nephews wanted to play annie annie over so I played with them. I sprained my thumb, twisted my ankle, pulled my hamstring and wet my pants every time I ran around the house - but I loved it and every night they would ask me to play with them again. I started out as the only adult playing, before I left my sis, bro and sis-in law were also playing. I know for a fact that we have played that same game over that same house for at least 50 years - good times and good memories.

Life and addiction

I realize it's been forever since I posted. My goal is to post more--let's hope I can do it!

I want to tell about a journey I have taken this past 9 months. As I have said before I struggle with a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder) and I take medication for this disorder. Well, about 9 months ago I "talked" my Pdoc (psychiatrist) into prescribing me Ritilin--to offset the side effects from one of my other meds. Basically it was to help me concentrate better and help with my cognition. Well....I knew, in the back of my mind, what the Ritilin could do for me and that was part of why I wanted to take it. It actually made me high. So, for the next 6 months I was on either Ritilin or Adderall or Focalin. They all made me feel "good". And, for the most part I was loving it. I was loving it too much. Along with the "high" feeling the medications were actually causing me to be depressed, moody, and suicidal. But, I couldn''t stop from taking them. I was a mess. At the time I was also mixing my sleeping medications too. Basically I was abusing my medications. About near the end of my drug eurphoria I was put on Wellbutrin. It didn't give me such a high and actually made me feel worse. SO, I came off of that and got terribly sick. I also came off all the other meds (Ritilin, Focalin, Adderall). I realized what a mess I had created and how it was affecting my family. I also finally realized that I am an addict. I am clean now and going to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings and I have started doing the steps. I am looking for a sponsor and am more than willing to do all that is required of me so that I can get better. The hardest part of all of this has been to admit I am an addict and say it out loud. The other hard part is seeing the damage I have done on my relationship with Janell. We are working through all of this mess together. I am so grateful that she stayed with me and that we are doing this together. I am lucky to have stopped the drug abuse when I did. I could have lost everything. And, btw, I almost lost my job over my drug abuse. I just feel lucky to be where I am. It's been a long journey.