Follow Up Appt

I had my first follow up appointment today. The Dr said things look well but I need to start taking the nexium. He said he saw some red in my throat - that might account for the slight sore throat I always seem to have. I had stopped taking it after about 4 days because I thought it was making it so I couldn't sleep at night. Now I'm not sure it was the nexium because I am still not sleeping well. I know part of it has to do with increased hot flashes - those things are miserable.

I went into the station today to see about going back to work. I have enjoyed being home so much these last 3 weeks. I love being able to cook dinner and be here with everyone at night. I am tempted to take another month off but I don't want to burn all of my leave time so I will go back to work on Monday.

When I was out and about today I realized that it is a bit overwhelming and intimidating for me to be in open spaces. When I am home I am comfortable talking to Lisa and the kids because I can go right up to them so I don't have to try and talk louder than I can. When I was at the station this morning, and at the beach later in the day, I realized how hard it is for me to talk out in open spaces with noise distractions. I have to remember to just talk at a level that is comfortable and if I have to get closer to someone so they can hear me then I will just have to go closer. I think I am going to be way frustrated with this before it gets better. The last thing I want to do now is acquire a bunch of bad speaking habits by trying to talk louder than I can.

I am doing better each day. My ability to swallow solid food is fairly good but my ability to swallow liquids comes and goes. On a really good day I can take sips of water with only moderate concentration and sips of nectar with mild concentration. What I wouldn't give to be able to just chug a glass of ice cold water!

My voice is still very hoarse and every now and then I get a hint of the breathiness I was told would follow but still no spasms. I was searching for a bowflex treadclimber for us and got a bit carried away and called one of the sellers. I think my voice startled him a bit, there was some stammering and stuttering while he tried to decide if it was a prank call or not so I decided maybe I should let Lisa make phone calls to strangers for awhile.

My energy level is slowing returning. I have started walking again every day. Not as far and fast as I was pre-surgery but I increase it a bit each day. I am loving this fall weather, even the wind felt good to me this morning. I was disappointed then the Dr told me no vigorous exercise for 2 weeks but am realizing that it would be impossible anyway.

When I came home if I had been asked if the surgery was worth it my answer would have been an unequivocal NO! Today my answer would be - yes, it was worth it but I am so glad I don't have to make the choice to repeat it.

When I came home I was 11 lbs lighter than when I went in for surgery. I expect a great deal of that is water weight but I hope to be able to keep some of it off. Lisa and I have both done well making healthier eating choices since the HCG diet. Right now I am down about 16 lbs from when I started the diet, it's nice to have my clothes fit looser and the eating part really hasn't been a challenge.

The Surgery

I checked into UCLA Medical Center just before 9:00 AM on Tuesday, October 19 and went in for surgery around 11:30. I don't remember what time they started bringing me around but I believe it was around 5:00 PM. I don't remember much other than that my throat was really sore and heavily bandaged. When they got me settled Lisa came to the room and said she had talked to Dr. Berke and he said the surgery had went well. When I went in he was unsure if he would be able to do the bilateral surgery or have to settle for unilateral due to possible scar tissue from my previous thyroplasty 2 surgeries. Even though the recovery time is longer for the bilateral that was my choice if he could do it - I didn't want to have to have any re-dos.

I was feeling fairly good until around 7:00 when I asked for pain medication. They put it into my IV, Lisa helped me to the bathroom and I was immediately nauseous and barely made it back to the bed. I don't know if it was the pain medication or the anesthesia but I was sicker than sick for the next 36 hours. Swallowing was a huge challenge, I knew I would never get a vicodin down so they brought me some liquid tylenol with codeine, the first tiny sip I took of it I almost drowned myself. My nurse mixed it with applesauce for me - that is how I took all pills for the next 2 days. Everything I ate made me deathly ill. It's a good thing they were still pumping fluids into me because I couldn't drink anything. They told me I wouldn't be able to go home until I could eat and drink thickened liquids on my own so that became my goal. It felt like every swallow that went down stuck just below my breast bone and went no further - every tiny movement made me want to throw up but I didn't have anything to throw up and was afraid if I did I would split my throat incision open. I prayed, I meditated, I conjured up and relived every good childhood memory I could think of. I thought of thing my Mom had gone through with heart surgery, my brother with his recent liver and kidney problems, my 2 uncles with their cancer treatments and knew if they could do it then I could too.

What Am I?

I can't really be called middle aged because most people don't live to be 106 - on the other hand I don't feel like I qualify for elderly either so, what am I?

The "Talk" and Other Stuff

I have spent two days reading the uproar following the conference talk by BKP. I think what I feel is more of a sadness than outrage or anger. It makes me sad to know that most of my family listened to the talk and I wonder what affect it had on them. My relationship with my family has been so good through out all of this. No one has ever made me feel like I just didn't try hard enough - if anything I have been harder on myself in that area than my family has. I worry about the effect this talk will have on gay friends I love who are trying to remain in the church, those who are already struggling with guilt over who they are. I remember when I used to listen to GC, I used to cringe when BKP would get up to talk. I guest mostly, and I feel a bit selfish even saying this, I am glad I am at a place in my life where this doesn't have the ability to send me off into despair the way it once would.

I know I have mentioned this before but - I love where we live. I love watching the fields as they go through a crop cycle. I love it that I can tell what is being harvested as I ride by on my motorcycle. In June the air smelled like strawberries, lately it has smelled like peppers, not sure what kind but it's a red pepper that is used to make hot sauce. I also see fields of butternut squash almost ready to harvest. It amazes me that they grow several different crops on the same plot of land throughout the year. Once one harvest done the field is plowed under and the cycle starts all over again.

I am going to have to dig out some of my old hobbies. With Lisa gone working during the day I find myself not knowing what to do so I have a tendency to just sleep or lay on the bed. I will have to go back to making quilts or even cross stitching! One of the side effects of the HCG I really miss is the energy the drops gave me.

2 weeks from tomorrow is my surgery. That means I have to stop taking everything that could possibly act as a blood thinner, aspirin, excedrin, advil, vitamin e, etc. I try to think about the surgery a bit every day but not so much that I freak out about it. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the recovery period which, I fear, is going to be much longer, harder, and frustrating than I want it to be.

Diet Transition

Today is the first day going completely off the 500 calorie diet. It has been rather anti climactic and kind of disappointing. We have looked forward to this for 2 weeks, made all sorts of plans on what we would eat. It turns out we can't eat quite like we used to - which is probably a good thing. It's kind of strange to me that fruit and vegetables still taste the best, especially since the choices aren't so limited now. We are to stay off starch and sugar for the next 3 weeks and then gradually introduce them back into the diet after that. I lost approximately 9 lbs, I think it was worth it but I wouldn't choose to do it again. We have decided to eat healthy 6 days a week and to give ourselves one day a week off to eath whatever we want. Hopefully this will help us keep the weight off and also not make us feel deprived of those foods we really like but shouldn't eat so often. I am looking forward to getting some stamina back in my muscles. When I exercise my lungs do all right but my muscles just don't have any stamina. There is quite a hill leading up to our condo, I use to be able to ride my bicycle all the way to the garage, today I couldn't even walk it without having to stop and rest.

We had a creepy experience yesterday. I was sitting at my little table in my room , I glanced up at the windows and saw the shadows of a bunch of bugs against the curtains, I thought it was strange that so many bugs were on the outside of the window. I came back in about 15 minutes and noticed there were about twice as many shadows and then I saw one of the bugs come up over the top of the curtain. When I pulled back the curtain it was covered with flying bugs. We think they are winged termites. We sprayed so much stuff on them we made quite a mess and a not so pleasant odor. We called the HOA and got the name of the exterminator they use and will have him come out tomorrow and look at the samples we saved. If it is termites the HOA insurance will pay for it, if it is something else we will have to pay for it.

Day 12

Only lost .2 lbs yesterday. We talked it over this morning and decided we were done doing the drops. We will have 3 days of the 500 calorie diet while the HCG gets out of our system and then 3 weeks with no sugar or starches. In some ways I feel like a quitter but I am pretty much OK with ending it now. Even though it didn't play into our decision to stop, I am glad I will be back to a normal diet by the time I have my surgery. From the things I have read eating is going to be a chore for awhile as it is so I would like to have more of a variety to choose from.

From previous experience with botox injections I know that swallowing any kind of liquids without choking will really take some concentration for a few days. I remember the first botox shot I had Bill would make a barrier between us at breakfast with the cereal boxes because I was prone to choking and spitting my vitamins across the table as I was trying to take them. It did get easier after the first shot but even now I have trouble eating a juicy apple or orange without choking for a couple of weeks after the shot. I am hoping this surgery means the end of the botox shots.

Lisa started a part time job this week and it is really strange to have her gone during the day. I find myself wandering around wondering what to do. I guess maybe it's time to pick up some of my hobbies again.