Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I was chatting with my oldest friend a couple of nights ago - I have known her since I was 15. In fact I met her 37 years ago this month. She has been a very good friend to me, always willing to lend an ear when I needed one, never hesitated to kick my butt if she thought I needed it. Someone had told her husband of my sexual orientation and he came home irate to think she had been friends with me all these years. I guess I was a little stunned at his reaction. I have been to their home many times and while he and I weren't really friends we did chat a bit if he was around while I was there. It hurts my heart to think our friendship made their home uncomfortable, if only for awhile. I wonder if I will ever get used to that kind of anger over me and my choices. It reminded me of when another friends husband decided I was hitting on his wife when we were nothing but good friends. It changed that friendship forever and I suppose this will too. I can't imagine being comfortable going to her home to see her when I am over that way knowing it will more than likely cause her grief. For most of our friendship neither of us knew of my sexual orientation. When I realized it she was one of the first people I talked to because I trusted her and I knew she really cared about me. When we rarely even touch each other and it is even more rare for us to hug hello or good-bye. It's always been that way. I don't understand things like this but I guess I need to start thinking they will be the rule rather than the exception.

Monday, August 10, 2009

I think my medical exam went fine. The Dr. seemed more concerned about my decades old knee injury than he did my voice disorder. I had to do several things to demonstrate me knee was OK but he only asked if I thought the voice disorder would interefere with my ability to do the job. I hope to hear something from someone in the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday I drove into Glendale to attend a SD support meeting. Lisa took time away from her school work to go with me. I know she really couldn't afford to do that be was awful thankful she did. It was kind of nice to walk into a place and not be afraid to speak. They were all impressed that I was going for a dispatch job. Made me a bit concerned about my ability to do it for some reason. All I know is I want to give it a try and if I don't make it then at least I will know and I will find something else to do.

I sometimes wonder if my last thyroplasty II surgery isn't beginning to kick in. It seems awfully strange to me that it would this long after the surgery - over 18 months. I normally have to get a botox shot about every 4 months. It has been 5 months now and I still have a fairly smooth voice most of the time. I don't have any volume and both of those things lead me to believe it is the implant. I remember when I came out of surgery Dr. Bansberg expected me to have a breathy voice and that is kinda what I have now. Maybe it will get stronger with time. Trying to figure all this stuff out makes me quite tired sometimes.

I have also wondered if interacting with people doesn't wear me out. That seems kind of a silly thing if it is true. I have noticed a couple of times before and then yesterday I was ready to go to bed by 8:00 and the only thing I did that was really different was go to the support group meeting. Maybe I have just lived inside my own head for too long.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tomorrow is my medical exam. I am a little nervous about it. I have been having some really rough voice days. If I had known this background process was going to take so long I would have waited a couple of months to get my botox injection. I can't afford to get another one now, I had no insurance for the last one and will be quite awhile paying it off. When we were home for July 24th weekend I felt so hopeful because I thought my voice was doing really well but I have really struggled since I have come back. If I can just get the job and have a chance to show them I can be really good in the job I hope they will work with me. When I get insurance I can go get a botox injection to hold me for a few months.

I have emailed with a couple of people who have had the SLAD-R surgery for spasmodic dysphonia and have been very pleased with the result. They go in and sever the nerve to the vocal cords that is carrying the message to spasm and route a healthy nerve to them. The success rate is 85 - 90%. I wish so badly I had had it done a year ago even though my insurance wouldn't have covered much of it.

I have felt all along like this whole process of moving here, from us finding the house to me getting the job offer to how we have, amazingly, made it financially has just gone like it should - everything has just fallen into place. I am trying to hold onto that knowledge and feeling but I am having a bit of a hard time finding it right now.

I guess what will be will be and I will roll with the punches and work with the hand that is dealt to me. I think I am just really ready to have a winning hand where my voice is concerned.
I wonder if I could really talk if I would babble incessantly like this guy I saw at the water park today.