Tuesday, December 30, 2008

We got the house. That is a huge load off both our minds. The guy actually agreed to rent it to us before he even got our rental applications. I guess Lisa must have made a really good impression on him.

I also got a call today for an interview with the LA County Sheriffs Department for an interview for a dispatch position. They wanted to interview me next week but when I explained I would be in the middle of moving they moved it back to January 16. I realize there is no guarantee I will get the job but it feels good to even be chosen to interview. When I took the written test there were about 40 people who took it with me.

The way things are falling into place is almost scary to me. They haven't always happened when, or as quickly, as I would like them too but they have happened when they needed to. I can even see how being reassigned from dispatch has played into it - and that move almost crushed my heart and soul. Speaking of dispatch - I got the civilian employee of the year award for the police department. I felt honored because it was the other people I work with who made the choice.

I was listening to an audio book on my walk yesterday and one of the characters said "You get what you take," the person she was talking too corrected her and said she had it backwards and she told him no, she didn't. It made me stop and think about the difference between the two. Taking what you get and getting what you take. I think to make things happen in your life you have to get what you take.

Several people have told me how jealous they are about my upcoming move and how they wished they could do something like that. They could, they just don't. It isn't a comfortable thing to do. It is a riskly thing to do. I have a saying on my wall that was given to me by a friend. I have read it a lot these last few weeks. "One doesn't discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time."

Monday, December 29, 2008

I spent a few days in California just before Christmas. I had a heck of a time getting there because of the weather. I ended up spending the night in Rosemond and was glad to be able to get a room there. I got to Lisas about 24 hours later than I thought I would. I changed clothes and headed to Simi Valley to take a certified typing test. I was hoping to be able to talk to someone in Human Resources while I was there but she was out for the day. I emailed her and she told me they would be doing interviews in January so I will have to wait until then.

It was a good trip. Jared was able to be with us for the first time in a couple of years and it was nice to have him there. He is such a good boy. We all went out one night and got a tree from Home Depot and brought it back and decorated it. On Saturday Lisa and I went out and did shopping for the kids then spent the afternoon with her cousin looking at houses. We found one we really liked in Acton and was hoping the owners would agree to a lease with an option to buy but they didn't. We were both disappointed. I left to come back on Dec 23. The trip back was much quicker than the trip out.

I went to Hatch on the 24th for the family dinner. Lewis made mexican food for everyone - it was really good. I love being with my family, I am really going to miss them. On Christmas morning Mom, Dad and I had the traditional sourdough biscuits, ham and eggs for breakfast and then I headed back home. A storm was coming in and I had snow packed roads most of the way home.

After Christmas Lisa and I both got on Craigslist and started looking for rental houses. We found a couple for Lisa to look at. She called yesterday and said she had found the house of our dreams, it is available and within our budget. We just have to wait for the owner to do a credit/background check on us. We hope to be able to move in around January 12.

I kind of hate to get my hopes up about the house but it seems like things have fallen into place for us when we needed them too. This house is over $300 per month less than we had budgeted and is in a good central location, not so far away that we won't be able to have the kids finish the school year in their present schools. It's just almost too perfect so, while I am trying not to hope too much, I really am.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Letters From Home

I am going through stuff getting ready to pack for the move. I found 3 envelopes with stuff in them. Things I had made for Mom and Dad when I was in first grade - stuff like that. I found letters from Mom and Dad that were written in March of 1979. I remember the situation - I was
in college and our FHE leader, without our knowledge, had asked each of our parents to write their memories of us and he gave them to us. I thought I would share mine. I have often wondered how my parents saw me and this kind of answers that. First from my Mom:

Janell Barney was born om 11 Mar 1957 on her sister, Barbaras, birthday. Her parents are Dorothy Cameron and LaMar Barney. She has 2 sisters, Laraine and Barbara, and one brother, Kenneth Ray, who are older. Janett and Lewis who are younger.

She was born in the Panguitch Hospital but she lived all her life in Hatch, UT.

She weighed just over 6 lbs and had a lot of curly black hair and dark skin. She was as wrinkled as a little old lady.

Janell was a good baby even when she was sick she didn't have to be tended. Her mother was in the RS presidency when she was about 2. She never made any kind of a fuss, just give her a book and she would be good.

She had the usual childhood illnesses, chicken pox, before she started to school. He had her tonsils out when she was 6.

When she was 3 her sister, Janett, was born just 1 week after Janells birthday.

She started school at Panguitch Elementary. I think her first grade teacher was Mrs Daly (she also taught her mother in first grade) Mrs Hansen was her kindergarten teacher. She was always a good student.

As Janell grew up she was quite a tomboy. She didn't like dolls and things most girls liked, altho she got one every year for Christmas. She would rather have a flipper, pocket knife, a bow and arrow. She loved bugs. She had caterpillars in bottles all summer long, hatching into butterflys. One time she caught a baby mouse. It was so tiny and cute, she kept it in a box. She was really upset when I wouldn't let her give it to her cousin, Doris, for a birthday present.

Janell caught nite crawlers for spending money. She done this every summer until she was around 15. She was thrifty with her money, she had to want something real bad before she spent any of it. She always paid her tithing. When her regular customers came for worms they always ask where the little boy was if she wasn't around. She always wore cut offs and her hair cut real short so they thought she was a boy.

She was baptized 30 Mar 1965 by her Father in the Panguitch So Ward. She graduated from primary and was active in the mutual program, especially the sports program - softball, basketball and volleyball.

She liked to cook and took ribbons at the state fair on her biscuits and muffins.

Michelle Riggs was her best friend but most of the time she was a loner. It wasn't that she didn't have friends, she just acted like she would rather be by herself. I have wondered since if this wasn't a front she put up to hide her true feelings. She never shared her feelings with you about things that were important to her. She spent hours in her bedroom with the door shut reading a book.

Janell has always been a strong willed person. I doubt if anyone ever made her do anything if she was really against it or talked her out of anything she really had her mind set on. Most of the time her goals have been good ones, She has always done her own thing.

She couldn't stand to see anyone picked on. She always stood up for the underdog.

When she was 12 years old she started washing dishes in the cafe. She worked there for 8 years. 1st as a dishwasher , then waitress, then worked in the motel office. She made enough in the summer to take care of her needs during the school year.

She liked to go fishing and hunting with her Dad. Our first real vacation as a family was to Yellowstone Park when she was 10 or 11. When we came home we had an Indian studeny 13 years old waiting for us. He was Kelvin Yazzie, he lived with us for 12 years. He and Janell usually got along pretty good.

When she was a freshman in Panguitch High she got involved in sports. Her teacher was Margaret Nielson, later Shakespear. She was Janells idol. She was on the volleyball and basketball teams. She once got an award for being the dirtiest player in a basketball tournament (it was a bar of soap.) She worked hard to get a girls sports program started at Panguitch. The first year the girls went to a state track meet the school wouldn't give them any money to go on so Michelle Riggs mother took them up and the slept on her aunts lawn in Salt Lake.

She graduated from Panguitch High in 1975. After graduation she attended SUSC in Cedar majoring in PE.

If she as had any spiritual experiences she has kept them to herself. I hope this is what you want.

I just wanted to add that I love Janell very much. I don't always agree with the things she does but that does not affect my lover for her - please tell her this.

From Dad

Janell came into our world on March 11 1957. She was a small baby but one of the best in the world. It seemed strange to me to have a baby that never made any fuss at night.

As Janell grew up she was more interested in the things boys play with instead of the things girls did. She was always interested in bugs and would catch them all the time. She especially liked to catch caterpillars and would keep them until they turned into buterflys and then turn them loose.

Janell was a good student in school. She was good to go to church and do the things she was supposed to do. Except keep her bedroom clean.

Janell had a great interest in sports and liked to play in nearly all of them. She liked to hunt and fish. We had to get her a shotgun for Christmas one year. She hunted deer with me several years and killed a deer one year. Last year when we hunted she spotted a big buck and tried to show it to me, I couldn't see it. I tried to get her to shoot it but for some reason she wouldn't do it.

Janell has always remembered us on special days such as birthdays, Easter Fathers and Mothers day and so on. She has always been considerate of me in other ways. I remember when I worked late at night I liked to have a cup of hot cocoa before I went to bed. Janell would have some ready for me when I got home.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

A chat with the Bishop

I made an appointment to talk with my bishop to tell him I was leaving. Someone beat me to the punch, he already knew I was going. I told him I just wanted to tell him myself and to thank him for being so good to me. He told me he appreciated it and that I was doing the right thing. He told me he knew I would be a good support to Lisa and she needed that. He told me he had no problem at all with me going to California and living with Lisa but to always remember to be a good person. He told me there are 4 things we have to do to get to the celestial kingdom. 1) baptism 2) temple ordinances 3) melchezdick priesthood for men 4) be a good person. He said the most important of those 4 was to be a good person. The rest of the ordinances can be performed for us by other people but we are the only one who can be a good person. I told him I didn't know what I was going to do or where we would live and he told me it would work out. I told him we would probably be in Lisas ward for a bit but asked him not to send my records because I really didn't want to have anything to do with her bishop and he agreed. We talked about the various propositions regarding gay marriage that were on the ballot. He told me he really struggled with them and how they were handled and how thankful he was that our Stake President didn't really push them.

I have been so blessed to have such understanding and compassionate priesthood leaders. Before I left to go to Ogden I went to my SP because he had just recently been released from being my Bishop and knew the whole story - he never counseled me against going. Just said he wished he had the answer but he didn't and good luck.

I got a call from Simi Valley asking if I was interested in a dispatch position there. I need to take a certified typing test while I am in CA next week and get to them. I am trying not to get excited but I am pretty excited. I sure this is just the beginning of a long process. I emailed all of my family and friends and asked them to fast and pray for me that my voice would be good enough to dispatch and that we would be able to find a place to live. I hadn't planned on getting another botox shot but felt like I should so I went and did that yesterday. My voice is already very soft and I am already trying to make it louder so Bill can hear. I am not going to do that. If he wants to hear me he is going to have to put his hearing aids in. I always go right up next to him and talk in his good ear and I don't know what else I can do. I think part of my problem has been trying to force my voice to do more than it can. I want to take the opportunity of this shot to learn to speak within my limits, to learn to breathe properly and relax when I speak and not try and do more than I can.

Saturday, December 6, 2008


I have become very disillusioned with organized religion. I am not angry or bitter, more like tired and sad. I think this whole Prop 8 thing turned out to be bad for all involved. It makes me sad that my church joined a coalition with those who were calling them evil just a few months before. It makes me sad that when this coalition started campaigning using half truths and fear mongering my church didn't stand up and say - this isn't right. It makes me sad that when this coalition wrote what was basically a blackmail letter to those supporting the opposition that a member of my churches name was included on the letter. It makes me sad to find out that the leader of the *grassroots movement* to pass Prop 8 in California has a son who is gay. How hurtful that must be for the son. It makes me sad to see the actions taken after the proposition was passed. I understand being upset because a right was taken away, I understand being fearful for your families future and rights. I, personally, was very disappointed in the outcome of the election. I don't understand targeting people with hatred because of their beliefs. Some backlash has to be expected when you are dealing with an issue as emotional as peoples family. I just don't like the way it was expressed.

I realized a couple of days ago that I almost cringe inwardly when I hear someone talk about Christ or the Lord. Made me stop and wonder why. I can get on my knees and pray at night and feel totally OK with talking to God, I don't feel out of place or unworthy to do that. I think maybe it is because so many people have been so mistreated in the name of God. So much hate and intolerance has been spread in the name of God. So many people have made signs and picketed telling me God disapproves of me, that I am an abomination because of who I love. I am having trouble putting words to this. Maybe it's like the kid who is always told - you just wait until your
Dad gets home. Before long he will start to dread the time when Dad comes home.

I don't dread talking to God, I wouldn't dread a face to face meeting with Him. I don't think I would feel unworthy to be in His presence. Maybe it is because I see him as a Heavenly Father and not as a vengeful God. I don't feel uncomfortable being in my own fathers presence and surely my Heavenly Father must love me at least as much as my earthly father. I need to hold onto the God I know and see and not the God the world has portrayed these last months. I need to be able to separate God from any religion. To know that no one has the corner on Him, that no one can tell me where He can, or cannot, be found. To know that He can live inside my heart if I will only make room for Him.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


I am preparing mentally to move away. I prepare a bit each day in some little way. Today I brought a 12 pack of code red to work with me and that - that is the last time I will do that. I savor every sunrise and sunset. I enjoy the look of the wet slick rock after a rain. I savor the smell of the desert when it is wet. When I go grocery shopping I am not more concentrated on wondering if Bill will use it when I leave rather than keeping what I use plus a little. When I left to move to Ogden I didn't do these things, this time I am saying goodbye.

I am still trying to prepare Bill for when I leave. I have been working with him on the computer end of the embroidery business for several months now but haven't had much success. I took him with me to the library a couple of weeks ago and explained to him how it works, how to find a book by author and told him I would leave him a list of good authors. He will just have to get a library card. I took him to Wal-Mart and had him convert all of his prescriptions he can over to their $4 prescription plan so he can continue to get those without interruption when he loses the insurance he has through me.

I still don't have any leads on a job and we may end up living in the two bedroom apartment Lisa is now in for a bit. I told her between my plants and animals the humans would have to live on the patio. I am a bit concerned about finances. Over the years I have lent a lot of money out to different family members as they have needed it. I think only one has fully paid me back. Some I am sure don't even remember they owe me money. At the time I was in a position to do things like that and I always did it without hesitation believing if I gave to others when I could that when I was in a position of need it would come back to me someway, somehow, somewhere. I guess I am about to put that theory to the test.

Monday, December 1, 2008


I had a great Thanksgiving. We went over to Mom and Dads on Thursday and came back on Saturday. It was a bit snowy on the way over, a few cars off the road here and there but we made it ok. All the trees looked so pretty covered in snow.

We had quite a bit of family there. My younger brother (Lewis) built a new house and it had just passed inspection on Tuesday, they were moved in enough that we had dinner there. There were probably about 2o of us there for dinner including brothers, sisters nieces, nephews and their kids. I had to laugh at my nieces boy. He is about 6 years old and doesn't even know who I am. I went downstairs where the kids were playing. He looked at me and asked where I was going to sit for dinner. I told him I didn't know yet. He then told me that I couldn't sit by him because I was old and he was just little. In a bit my younger sister came down and he told her the same thing. His mom told me if I wanted to get even with him I should kiss him on the cheek. He didn't forgive me for that all weekend. They were all playing out in the snow Friday night and his hands were freezing. I went out to my truck and got a pair of gloves for him. When I brought them in he asked if they were mine, I told him no they were Uncle Bills. He told his mom that was good because he wasn't wearing them if they were mine.

Thursday night we all went back over to Lews and had left overs and played bunco. We had more for bunco than we did for dinner. We let anyone old enough to shake a dice play and then the adults help them keep score.

Friday was tree cutting day so we headed out into the snowy forest to get trees for those who wanted them. Its tradition to stop and get a candy bar to eat after the trees are down and in the truck. All of us kids and some of the grandkids went in together and got Mom and Dad a new kitchen stove for Christmas. While we were gone cutting trees my Brother In Law and my nieces husband took the old stove out and put the new one in. They were very surprised by the new stove. It's something they needed but never would have got for themselves.

For dinner on Friday Mom and I made gallons of turkey noodle soup for everyone (and yes we even made the noodles) we had over 30 people over for soup that night. I look forward to that more than I do the turkey dinner. The kids had watched I Am Legend that afternoon so they spent the night outside in the snow playing I Am Legend. I don't know what all it consisted of other than a lot of running and screaming.

As much as I hate my change in status at work I am thankful it gives me more time to spend with my family in the weeks before I move. I will miss them a lot when I am away from them.