Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fitting In

I sometimes wonder if I will ever fit in here at work. Most days I just do the job, try to stay away from the drama and don't notice it much but, once in awhile, something will happen that really brings it home. At those times I start to wonder, is it because of my voice? Is it because I am gay? I actually don't know how many people here are even aware of my sexual orientation. It isn't something I hide but it also not something I flaunt. I speak of Lisa freely but no one ever really asks any question. Maybe its a case of don't ask don't tell. I am not an outgoing person and I am sure that contributes to the feeling of isolation. Because of my voice, I hesitate to talk unless it is absolutely necessary. Sensing I was different as I was growing up I kept most people at a distance because it was safer that way. Experiences I had in college only reinforced that behavior. I guess when I take those two things into consideration it is no wonder I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I wish Lisa and I could meet another couple we had things in common with but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day

I love my Mom. She holds such a special place in my heart I don't even have words to describe it. I wish I could be with her today. Just be in her presence, watch the funny little quirky things she does. Listen to the latest stories from Dad about "the other day your Ma . . ." or her stories about "did I tell you what your Dad did?" They were married when she was 16 and he was 20. They had their first child just 2 days before their first anniversary. By the time she was 29 she had 5 children and had suffered at least one miscarriage. I know she loves my Dad but I also know she sometimes regrets some of the things she missed out on by marrying so young. My nephew recently got married - It is highly questionable if it was a wise move. They hadn't known each other long, she said she was pregnant only to find out later she wasn't. When I talked to Mom and Dad about it all they said was that people probably thought their marriage would never last either and they have been married for 62 years and that they hoped they would be happy. Their home has always been open to all of us and whoever we brought with us. If ever any of my cousins happen to be in the area they always stop by to see "Aunt Dorothy and Uncle LaMar". One of my cousins has a little boy that is autistic, as soon as they get to Hatch he wants to know where "Uncle Jar" is. I keep a sweater at work that my Mom gave me. Everytime I put it on I can almost feel her arms around me. That sweater is one reason I don't mind sitting at the cold spot in dispatch.

I salute Mothers everywhere. I never had the desire to have kids and that has always made me feel a bit of an oddity and a lot guilty. For the culture I was raised in that is almost blasphemy. I think I can't love enough to be a mother. I am too selfish and expect too much. Janett always joked that she had her last 2 kids for me, because I refused to have any. I helped her with her kids off and on a lot and they are special to me but I know I couldn't have sacrificed for them like she has. I see how Lisa is with her kids and what a good mother she is and I don't think I could ever do that so maybe it's a good thing I married someone who couldn't give me kids.