Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Life and addiction

I realize it's been forever since I posted. My goal is to post more--let's hope I can do it!

I want to tell about a journey I have taken this past 9 months. As I have said before I struggle with a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder) and I take medication for this disorder. Well, about 9 months ago I "talked" my Pdoc (psychiatrist) into prescribing me Ritilin--to offset the side effects from one of my other meds. Basically it was to help me concentrate better and help with my cognition. Well....I knew, in the back of my mind, what the Ritilin could do for me and that was part of why I wanted to take it. It actually made me high. So, for the next 6 months I was on either Ritilin or Adderall or Focalin. They all made me feel "good". And, for the most part I was loving it. I was loving it too much. Along with the "high" feeling the medications were actually causing me to be depressed, moody, and suicidal. But, I couldn''t stop from taking them. I was a mess. At the time I was also mixing my sleeping medications too. Basically I was abusing my medications. About near the end of my drug eurphoria I was put on Wellbutrin. It didn't give me such a high and actually made me feel worse. SO, I came off of that and got terribly sick. I also came off all the other meds (Ritilin, Focalin, Adderall). I realized what a mess I had created and how it was affecting my family. I also finally realized that I am an addict. I am clean now and going to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings and I have started doing the steps. I am looking for a sponsor and am more than willing to do all that is required of me so that I can get better. The hardest part of all of this has been to admit I am an addict and say it out loud. The other hard part is seeing the damage I have done on my relationship with Janell. We are working through all of this mess together. I am so grateful that she stayed with me and that we are doing this together. I am lucky to have stopped the drug abuse when I did. I could have lost everything. And, btw, I almost lost my job over my drug abuse. I just feel lucky to be where I am. It's been a long journey.