Monday, June 30, 2008


I have been thinking a lot about this topic recently. I seem to be a bit fearful of the expectations others might have of me. I think the biggest fear is that their expectations will be something I will not be able to meet.

Someone I was once very much in love with told me I should never have expectations in a relationship, it was OK to have hopes but never expectations. That was several years ago and I have never forgot it, and still don't know how to really think about it. I am not sure how to have a relationship without expectations. Then I go back and forth between expectations and needs. How closely are they related? Is there a difference? I guess to me a need would be something the relationship must have to survive, such as honesty, trust, loyalty, fidelity, communication. I think all of those things could also be considered expectations. I suppose there is a huge difference between expectations and unrealistic expectations. I believe the things I listed above are realistic expectations, as well as needs, while something such as . . . knowing where the other person is at all times would be an unrealistic expectation.

So, back to my opening paragraph. What is it about expectations that scares me so? I am honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc - at least I believe I am. Maybe its that my definition of a realistic expectation may be wildly different from someone elses definition. Or that I won't know what their expectations are, will not be able to meet them and therefore fail.

I am aware of my faults, at least some of them. I'm sure there are others who could point out many more - LOL. I don't consider myself an especially good communicator, I am not very verbal. I am sure part of that has to do with my voice disorder, sometimes it just isn't worth the effort to speak. However, I think I was that way even before the disorder. I don't feel like I have that many needs, not sure that would be considered a fault but I think it could be. Maybe it is just that I am not good at verbalizing them so I figure out a way to take care of them myself - do I, unfairly, expect others to be the same way? I don't let people in easily, and I sometimes hesitate to learn too much about others. The former is definitely a trust issue, I believe the latter is not that I don't care but a fear of caring too much. When I care for a person I will do all in my power to meet their needs and expectations. I hurt when they hurt, I think about them, I worry about them.

OK, I feel like I am starting to ramble here and have probably gotten away from the original intent of this post. I will continue to try to figure out why I fear expectations so much.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

People Watching

I love to watch people. I recently took a trip to Alaska. On the flight from PHX to Seattle there was a group of 8 women in front of us. I gathered they had been to PHX for some kind of work seminar. There was such a sense of friendship between them. It was like they really *knew* each other, strengths as well as weaknesses and they really liked each other. I wasn't jealous but I had a longing to be a part of a group like that. A part of a group of people who really know me, all about me, and still love me, still like me, still want to be a part of my life, a group of people who trust me enough to let me know all those things about them. It seems like I often expend a lot of energy keeping people from getting to know me because past experience tells me that it is just too painful when they reject you and leave.

When we were at the fishing lodge there was a group of 5 guys on a trip there, all a part of law firm. The energy between them was totally different than that between the women on the plane. I watched them and tried to imagine what their wives were like, what kind of family they had. I heard one guy mention a place he would never return to because he didn't feel like his child was welcome there, that told me a lot about him. There was another interchange between 2 of the guys and it was like one had a secret and was almost baiting the other guy who wanted to know what the secret was. It was so different with the women where one could just point to a page in a magazine and they would all bust up laughing because they all knew the secret, it didn't even have to be mentioned.

One last thought from the trip - When we left Seattle for Sitka it was totally overcast, not long after take off we were flying in sunshine, when we got to Sitka it was totally overcast again. It made me kind of think of life and realize that there is always sun somewhere, sometimes you just have to keep climbing to get above the clouds to find it.

My Ant

I think my ant has either moved on to greener pastures or has gone to the great ant heaven in the sky. I went on a trip for a few days, left her plenty of food and when I came back all the food was still there and I haven't seen her since. I did some reading on the internet and ants really don't have that long of a life span to begin with. I hope I made her life a little easier while she was with me.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Love and Hope


I think there are times in our lives where we need to take stock as to who we are and what we want to be. For awhile I have had thoughts about if I truely loved myself or felt good about me, and mostly I shrugged those thoughts off--probably the fear of what I would see. It's scary to really look at yourself and to realize there are so many things that need improvement. Perhaps now that I've become stable on a medication I am now seeing the human being I never wanted to see. And as I write this my heart is saddened by my lack of goodness or maybe its hidden so far underneath all this other stuff that I cannot see it or let it out. I think maybe I am not making any sense. And maybe I am not. This writing is sort of a therapy I guess. Crying as you write...and you can wipe your nose on your sleave and no one gets grossed out (well, I guess now they might). I go through moments in my life where I realized I need to greatly improve myself. And then there are times that I realize that in an area I am absolutely failing in. And when I realize it I am struck in the gut with this huge pile of bricks and I just lie there, hardly breathing, hurt, devistated, and feeling hopeless. And then I realized that I can do this, I can achieve this particular thing that I thought I have failed at. I have to remember the things that have helped me become a better person, I have to remember the practices and affirmations I believe in and used to practice, I have to go back to basic things that can make me a better person, a person others value, a person I want to be, a person who is happy and full of hope and unconditional love.

Dirk Simpson: I don't believe in unconditional love, I mean, what is it anyway? Cut off my ears, steal my money and I'll love you anyway?
Grace Beasley: Yes, and more.
Dirk Simpson: More?
Grace Beasley: You don't have to love me back.

lil' audrey

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

missing you. . .

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.
~Author Unknown

Thursday, June 19, 2008

The Beach

Yesterday my two youngest kids and I were able to go to the beach. It was so beautiful there and it was so nice to get away from the heat. I have going to this beach for many years and each time I go I feel such peace and relaxation. It seems to be a different world where we can go to escape daily life. I think I can try to explain the feeling I get when I go there, but it is an experience you must have on your own to truely know.
I think I have ever rarely been to this particular beach and have it not be a perfect day. The weather is usually always perfect. By perfect I mean: clear skies, a bit of a nice breeze, and temperature ranging from 68-80 degrees. It is so nice. Sometimes there are so many people that go there that it seems a bit too crowded, but mostly it's not so bad on the people # meter. I try to avoid going on holidays.
But, let's get back to yesterday. . .
We kind of took our time getting the car packed and getting ready to go out there. It takes us alittle over an hour to get there and so we didn't get there until after noon. On the way we stopped at a fish hatchery and saw all the millions of fish that were swimming in these little tiny canals. Then, we drove on and finally got to the beach.
We unloaded and my 7 year old went ahead of us and found a great spot. So, we unpacked our things and plopped down for a day of chillin' and relaxing. My 7 year old played in the water and boogieboarded while my other one layed on the blanket and was a teenager--pretending not to care about playing with her brother. I read some and then my 7 year old wanted some things out of the car, so we walked up to the car. . . (this is where my story gets interesting, i swear). . . I had to use the restroom, so I let my 7 year old run ahead and use the keys and get the stuff out of the car. WELL. . . I came out of the restroom and he had come back from the car and I said, "okay, can I have my keys" and he said, "oh, well, I think they are in these bags". . . so, we looked. . .and guess what?? They got locked in the car!! I started to feel my blood pressure rise and started to get upset, but my 7 year old felt horrible for having done this, so. . . no way was I getting mad at him. . . too much sweetness in that little one. So we stuck his arm in the crack of the window. . .that didn't work and his arm was getting red marks on it. So we went and got a chair and a stick and tried to flip the lock. . . no luck!! SO, we went to the ranger and got a coat hanger, bent it in to all sorts of weird shapes. . .and presto! We got the lock open!! I dried my forehead of sweat and we went on with our wonderful day at the beach!
After this experience we went for a walk down the beach, saw some seals, played in the water and enjoyed the walk.
What a nice day, a very nice day. I can always depend on our beach trips to relax me and wear the kids out. Now, thats such a lovely sound at the end of the day. . .kids sleeping soundly : )

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I really, really, REALLY hate bad voice days . . . a lot :(

Monday, June 16, 2008

Pets and Animals

I love animals, I always have. When I am at work I can get a call about a child on a bicycle getting hit by a car and it doesn't even faze me. If I get a call about a cat that has been hit and injured it makes my stomach clench and my heart hurt.

I have 3 birds, an orange winged amazon (Ollie), a timneh african grey (Sammy) and a cockatiel Wicket. I also have a cat named Murphy and a tankful of fish. I have had Ollie for about 25 years. I have recently acquired another pet of sorts - an ant. A few years ago I bought an ant farm. I had wanted one since I was a kid so when I saw one in a magazine I couldn't resist. Ants came with it and I loved watching them build their tunnels. When the original batch of ants died I collected ants in the desert for a couple more years. It always made me sad that they died within about 3 weeks and I finally put the ant farm away. About a month ago I noticed an ant crawling on my bathroom wall. I decided it wasn't hurting anything so I would just let it stay and see how long it would hang around. A couple of weeks ago I remembered I had some ant food that had come with the ant farm so I started putting a bit of the food on the little ledge of the toothbrush holder. I was so excited the day I noticed all the food was gone. I have seen as many as 3 ants on the wall but there is almost always at least one. Of course, I have no way of knowing if it is the same ant each day or not but I like to think it is. I wonder about where it is getting water, I have yet to figure out a way to get water to it. Maybe it gets enough from the air.

OK, now you are beginning to see how strange I really am. More about my other pets later.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fathers Day

Just a quick tribute to my dad on fathers day. He is a wonderful man, very kind, non-judgemental. He has such a sense of humor, he makes me smile every time I am with him. He is always there to help anyone who needs help. His kids, grandkids, and great grandkids all adore him. He taught me how to fish, how to cook in a dutch oven, was with me when I killed my first (and only) deer. He taught me how to feed a dogie lamb and how to get a calf to feed from a bucket. I remember summer nights with him and grandpa up at the field, they would milk cows and me, my siblings and cousins would play on the old farm machinery up there. When they were done we would all jump in the back of the truck for the ride home.

I don't believe I have ever felt anything but love from him. I know he hasn't always agreed with the way I have lived my life or the decisions I have made but I have never doubted that he loved me. I love spending time with him and mom, whether it is cutting wood, camping or just sitting at home I love being with them. I feel such a sense of peace when I am home and I love them for making home a good place, a place we all want to return to.

I often wonder how he and mom did what they did. The most he ever made at his job was about $9.00 an hour. On that they raised 6 kids and a foster son. We raised pigs, cows, chickens, sheep, even turkeys one year. Even now he goes out to feed his *livestock* every morning - 4 feral cats. We always had a huge garden and he still does. He will be 81 in October and he still raises enough potatoes to feed the whole family, still goes out several times a year to cut wood for the stove. He and mom will often go out on the 4 wheeler, just riding in the hills and take a picnic lunch with them.

I love my parents for who they are, and for who I am because of them. I love them for their kindness and acceptance of Lisa, for always making her feel welcome in their home.

Happy Fathers Day Dad, I love you.

Friday, June 13, 2008


I play on a softball team for the police department. I played last year also and ended up pulling my quadratus femoris and popping the MCL in my right knee. It seems like it has taken me a full year to recover. Last night was the first game I have played in this year. I really didn't want to go play. The game didn't start until 9:00, I had just worked a 12 hour shift from 8 - 8, they had a traffic detail going on for 10 hours, I had to be back to work at 7:00 this morning and I was beat. We have to have a certain number of girls to be able to play so I decided I had best go down. I was really glad I did - I always enjoy playing once I get there. We play slow pitch and it has taken me forever to have the patience to wait for the ball to get to the plate before I swing at it. Last night I got a hit all 3 times I was up at bat, that was good, now I just have to work on hitting it farther and harder. I missed a couple of burning ground balls that were hit at me at second base and was pretty disgusted with myself over that. Later in the game I noticed a couple of guys muff balls much easier than those so then I didn't feel so bad. It sure seems like my body moved much faster and easier at 20 though than it does at 50.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Getting Back

I just got back from spending a few days with Lis. Our time together is so precious and always seems to go by way too fast. We spent some time geocaching around her home area and also when we went to the beach. One place we stopped at on the way to the beach was loaded with all these wild berries sticking out of a fence and I was scarfing down every berry I could find - she was taking pictures of me, I guess for evidence in case the police just happened to stop by.
After we found our caches around the beach we sat on the back of the truck and ate our lunch. This is lisa's smile after eating a very delicious chocolate, chocolate chip cookie - well posed I might add.

Anyway, we had lots of fun finding the caches. Lisa's daughter went with us one day and seemed to enjoy herself even though some of the terrain was a bit rough for her and she thought we walked her to death. She was having a bit of trouble with our relationship, she seemed very bothered by it so when we found a nice shady tree to sit under while we were caching we talked to her about it. Tried to help her understand it a bit better and let her know she was always welcome to ask any questions she had and we would try to answer them. I think what she really needed to know is that I am not trying to take her Mom away from her or come between them. She seemed a bit more at ease after that. She is a good kid.

We went to Gay Pride in LA. I have never done anything like that before. Protesters with all kinds of signs saying God condemns me, etc, etc, etc. I enjoyed the parade, even thought it was a bit long. I loved seeing the drag queens and the performers on stilts. We also went into the festival afterwards and, while I'm glad I went, I felt a little out of place there - dunno, it's hard to explain. I have decided most gay men really like to wear as few clothes as possible. It was nice to be in a place where we could hold hands without fear of being stoned. I'll try and put some of the parade picks on our photo album spot in the next few days.

Lis was pretty good to see that I took time to meditate every day and my voice did OK. It's harder for me to talk when there is a huge crowd with loud bands or when we are in a moving car but I managed to get by ok. Sometimes I like to make Lis laugh by talking in a different pitch. Today I was doing a high one, it's strange to me that I can talk almost flawlessly by doing that. I had decided a couple of weeks ago that I needed to start reading outloud to myself and really work on my breathing and my words. Tonite I read in The Miracle of Mindfulness by Thich Nhat Hanh. Buddhist ideas fascinate me and I have bought a couple of diffferent books to see what I can learn.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

continual learning

I have read so many different blogs and it seems no one has trouble starting their entries or at least i've not read anybody ever talking about how hard it is to start one. What goes through a person's mind when they first start to type something out? I know what goes through my mind. . . (actually not even the dot, dot, dot--I added those in to fill the blank space)

The real reason I wanted to write today was because I felt like it and because I wanted to write about something that i have realized. I have known for quite some time that it is very important for me to get plenty of sleep--for instance, get to bed early. ( I can hear my conscious speaking to me (jay) ). I think i always believed that i could always make up my sleep later. Over this past weekend I finally realized what can happen if I don't get enough sleep. And to some this may seem trivial or even nonsense, but for me I realized that lack of sleep can bring on mania. I cannot tell you how many times I have read that bit of information over and over again, but It wasn't me, it wasn't something I ever needed to worry about...I was above that rule. I truely thought I didn't need to abide by that guildline or whatever we call those bipolar "suggestions". I realized that when i don't get enough rest or sleep, that it can bring on hypomania (ie: insomnia). Oh man, when I finally wanted to sleep I couldn't. I was left awake, in the night, with all my thoughts and delusions and all I wanted was to go to sleep--to put all the thoughts to sleep and not feel. I am always grateful that I make it through the night, well....I am at least glad the night is over.

Last night I slept, making today a better day. And feeling better makes it alittle easier to make today good. Now...if I say that a hundred times I just know I will believe it!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Small Victories

Today someone told me how good my voice sounds! I can't even remember the last time someone, other than Lis or my Mom, told me that. I guess I am about to be convinced that reikki and, my form, of meditation is as vital to my voice as physical exercise is to my health. If I do it religiously I can tell a difference. It almost scares me though. I live in dread of waking up one day and all of the old spasms are back for good. My last botox shot was around Feb 20. It should be starting to wear off by now and my voice should be getting worse, not better. I keep thinking that maybe, with the last surgery, that the botox in February was just too much and that is just now wearing off to where I have a semi-decent voice. I had a half decent voice for about a week. Sometimes on a busy shift my vocal cords just ache. I slacked off on my reikki and meditation a bit last week and paid for it the last 2 days of my shift. I am also trying to be more conscious of my breathing as I talk, and of relaxing my upper body. Man, it shouldn't be this much work just to talk - should it?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

and me. . .

I am the other half of jay. (I wonder if that makes me 1/4 of this blog). We thought this blog would be a fun project for us to do. We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we are going to enjoy doing it.

Okay...about me...I am a full time student. I am pre-nursing. I love school and have learned so much in the three years I've attended. I am also a cater waiter and have done that for about 12 years. I have four kids and each one teaches me patience. I am also bipolar and have been for a very long time. This is a very hard thing to live with and I am still in the process of managing it. Jay is such a wonderful support to me and helps me deal with this disorder. She is my angel and I am a better person because of her.

My favorite things to do are...well, my youngest says I love to sleep, but I'm not so sure about that. This is what I think...I love to go to the beach, listen to music, hike, eat really good food, hang out with my kids, and spend time with my girl.

About Me

I am the Jay half of this blog. We decided to create this blog as a place of us to . . .talk about ourselves I guess, and we DO love to talk about ourselves.

I have spasmodic dysphonia, there is a link on the right side of the page there that will give you more information about it. I have struggled with this disorder for almost 30 years now. It sometimes makes my life very difficult. I work as a police, fire, ems, 911 dispatcher so my voice is vital to my job. I love my job and, luckily, my officers are very understanding and patient with my voice and rarely have to ask me to repeat anything. The public is a different matter all together. I get told a lot how awful and sick I sound, I normally just tell them thank you. I will talk more about this disorder and how it affects my life as we go on.

I love the outdoors, camping, fishing, hiking, backpacking, golf, cookouts. If it can be done outside I probably like to do it. I will chose a day of yard work over a day of house cleaning anytime.

I am at work and things are heating up on the radio so this will be it for now - more to come!