Friday, November 21, 2008

Days at work seem to take forever now. I am mostly working on helping records catch up on filing. I could be doing data entry for them but it is quite involved and no one ever seemed to have the time to train me properly so I told them I would just do the filing. I take my MP3 player loaded up with audio books and just get too it. I think the sorting before I file is more painful than the filing. I have found ways to challenge and entertain myself as I file. All the numbers on the files are color coded so I try to find the file I need without actually looking at the number. I like to make sure the files are all in the shelf nice and even and not sticking out. I know, I know, small pleasures but they are pleasures and make the job easier to do.

Last week I helped Charlene do the testing for my replacement. She came in and had me run 29's (warrant checks) on all the applicants and look in our computer system for any activity on them. Then she was telling me what I needed to do with the test booklets when they were done with the written portion, how to administer the typing test, etc. I looked at her and asked her what it said about both of us that she trusted me to to this and that I was willing to do it. She didn't quite have an answer. They had some pretty good applicants. I like to see that. They raised the starting wage by $3.80 a year or so ago and I think that really helped.

We have gone over and went fishing with Mom and Dad the last couple of weeks. Last week we went to Otter Creek Reservoir and caught some really nice fish. There was a flock of geese at the upper end of the lake and they were making quite a racket. Mom finally turned to me and said "Oh, those are geese. I have been trying to figure out what your Dad was saying to me." She makes me laugh and I love her so much. Yesterday we went fishing at Pine Lake. The fish weren't as big but the catching was faster. We fish from an earthen dam and it is kind of steep and rocky down to the lake so Mom, Dad and Bill were fishing from up on the dam and I was down by the lake. I stepped out on a rock to cast and the rock tipped. Since I had my fishing pole in one hand and didn't want to toss it in the lake or fall on it I did a slow awkward ballet and fell into the lake in a hole. The ages of my fishing companions was 77, 77 and 81, they were all at the top of the dam looking down at me saying "Do you need any help" with this rather sceptical look on their faces. LOL - Since I was in a hole I had to roll over to get out and the water was verra cold! It really was quite comical and we all laughed a lot over it. I think I bruised my ribs and my neck is kinda sore but, other than that, I am not much the worse for wear.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Past, Present and Future - Conclusion

From the moment I began my relationship with Lisa I felt peace, the peace that speaks to my heart. I know many people will discount this saying it was a false peace, or I was listening to Satan rather than the Lord. After all, I was married, we were both women, how could this possibly be right? I have no answers, just a simple statement - I felt peace.

This isn't to say the relationship has been easy because it hasn't been. If you were to liken it to an amusement park - we have definitely been on the roller coaster rather than the merry go round. There have been times we almost called it quits and went on our separate ways. When one was ready to do that it seems like the other was determined to hang on, and it wasn't the same one in the same position all the time. We have made so many good memories, had so many good times, shed so many tears.

Where does this leave my marriage? It leaves it at an end. I feel a sadness as I type those words and have shed more tears over it than most would believe. I love Bill and I know he loves me but the time has come where we both know we deserve a different, and better, life than we are living. We will part as the best of friends, we have always been better friends than spouses. I will be here if he needs me, as I know he will for me. That's what friends do. I worry about him tremendously but trust that my family, and his kids, will take care of him. Since this decision has been made our relationship has been better than it has been since I came back 5 years ago. He seems like a totally different person, like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. We are able to laugh together again and enjoy each others company. I love the changes I see in him and it gives me hope that he can find a future, and a happiness, that isn't dependent on me. That is too be a burden to carry, to feel you are responsible for anothers happiness.

I suppose there will always be times when I chastise and berate myself always wondering - what if, if only, if I had just done this differently or that differently, if only I could have. I will always assign the biggest burden for the failure of the marriage to me. I don't regret the marriage for myself, I do regret the pain I have brought to Bill over the years. At the same time I can acknowledge I also brought him a great deal of happiness, as he did me, over the years.

As for the future - I will leave here after the first of the year and move to California to begin a life with Lisa. I am sad and happy, excited and scared. I don't know how, or where, we will live I only know we will do it together. I do feel a great sense of peace when I am with her. I love her. I trust her, she is safe for me. I'm not sure what greater honor I could give her than to say those two things. Those who know me know I don't give my trust easily, I may give my love easily but not my trust. We have both had our chances to walk away, with justification, and we have both chosen to stay. Through our relationship I have come to truly understand the meaning of the word partnership, to begin to understand what it means and what it entails.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Past, Present, Future Part IV

Leaving my partner and family and coming back to Page was the hardest thing I had ever done. If I had known it was going to be the end of us a partners I honestly don't know that I could have done it. I left August 28, 2003.

When I came back I honestly thought I could do better than I have done. I never anticipated how hard it would be to show physical affection to Bill. At times I really resented him. I felt if he had just been able to let me go I would've been able to stay in Ogden and make a good life for myself. I felt I had let go and moved on - I had a new home, new jobs, new friends. I liked the area. There was always this huge struggle inside of me because I was there and was finding some happiness and he wasn't finding any happiness. He routinely asked me to come back. I fasted, I prayed, I went to the temple, all looking for answers but I never seemed to find any. I am to the point now where I can take part of the blame myself (as I always should have.) I really didn't do anything to make him let go. I didn't say I am not coming back, I didn't file for divorce. I didn't do anything to make it final.

I am fairly certain he expected things to be way different when I came back also. Had he known how they would be he may have been content to just let me stay gone. Ever since I came back I have looked for a reason why - why did I have to come back, what was the purpose, what were either of us supposed to learn.

Around the time I was coming back to Page Lisa rejoined our internet list. My partner and I had met her and her girlfriend several years ago. Due to some really sticky situations we really didn't hit it off very well. I thought she was very attractive the first time we met. I remember we were waiting for them at McDonalds, having no idea what they looked like. The minute Lisa walked through the door I turned to my partner and said "There she is" - Anyway, Lisa emailed me personally and told me she was sorry for the things my partner and I were going through and we begin to chat and email back and forth occasionally. We learned we had many interests in common and I enjoyed interacting with her.

In December I went back up to Ogden to visit and help get Christmas for the kids. I mentioned in an email to Lisa that I was going. In her response she said she felt a little jealous about the trip and I thought it was because she was attracted to my, now ex, partner. She had to email me back and tell me that wasn't why she was jealous (another 2 X 4 moment) she was jealous because she was beginning to have feelings for me. This was somewhat shocking to me as I was beginning to really like her but put thoughts of that way out of my mind. At that point in my life I couldn't see how anyone could ever be attracted to me, after all, the woman I had loved most in my life had just walked away after 5 years with hardly even a look back.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Pepper Spray

Part of my new job duties will be transporting juvenile offenders between here and Flagstaff, as we have no juvenile holding facility here.

I was issued a duty belt along with 2 pair of handcuffs and keys, a radio and a holder for pepper spray. I was told if I wanted to carry pepper spray then I would have to be pepper sprayed. The reasoning behind this is so that if I ever spray someone and end up in court I can say I am aware of the effects of pepper spray. I thought about it and decided if I needed it I had best have it so I agreed to be sprayed.

If you are ever arrested, don't ever, ever, ever, do anything that will make the officer pepper spray you. It is the gift that just keeps on giving. It is actually cayenne pepper flakes sprayed out of a cannister with a propellant. When I was hit with the spray it was like I could feel each individual flake hitting my eyes. Your eyes immediately close and burn like the devil. It also makes your skin burn like it has been scalded. It is hard to even open your eyes and almost impossible to keep them open or see out of them.

I was taken to the shower by my boss and the admin assist where I immediately went to the sink, turned on the warm water and started splashing it in my eyes. I then moved to the shower where I had my head and face in the warm water for several minutes. Once I could almost see I changed shirts and went outside to let the cold wind blow in my face and eyes - that helped more than anything. Within about 45 minutes I was able to see well enough to drive home.

That night I decided to take a nice hot bubble bath - not such a good idea. I had been warned that a hot bath or shower would open the skin pores and you would burn all over again. They were right. I don't think I stayed in the tub for 10 minutes. My arms felt like they had been burned all over again. I went outside and stood in the cold wind off and on while fixing dinner.

Even now I swear I can get a whiff of the pepper in my room off and on.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Past, Present, Future Part III

Through the online group I joined I met all kinds of women. Some I found myself being attracted too just through their online writings. Some of them I met in person. It was nice to be able to ask questions, express thoughts in a forum that was safe. To be able to connect with people who understood the things I was feeling.

Through this group I met the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I really had no intentions of meeting her or even talking to her personally. She was very well known, and popular, on the list. The time came when she was in the midst of a very painful breakup from a lover. I sent her a message telling her I was thinking about her. That lead to chatting online and emailing quite frequently. For a long time I resisted her request for contact by phone. When I finally agreed to a phone call we hadn't been on the line long when she had to go because her daughter broke her arm. We arranged to meet in June of 1998. We met in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut in Richfield, UT. I had seen pictures of her she had posted on the web but she had never seen any pictures of me. I had told her I was a middle-aged woman with grey hair. I will never forget the first words she said to me - "You're cute!" I guess she was expecting a rather doggish looking woman. We spent the day together, went to a park and talked and then went to lunch. I think by the end of the day I was pretty much in love with her - if I hadn't been before.

I sometimes think I could write forever on that relationship and still not cover it all. The joy, the pain, the betrayal. Anyway - in February of 2001 I left my marriage and moved to Ogden, UT to begin a life with her. Had I been aware of the things that had transpired in the months before I moved there I probably wouldn't have gone. I am really struggling for words here. I guess the most simple way to put it is - had I known she was still having sex with other women I probably never would have made the move but - I didn't. Even though I had asked point blank.

We lived in a rental house for the first 6 months. I worked at a spa and for a couple of chiropracters as a massage therapist. I had some money in savings we used for living expenses when my income didn't quite cut it. I sold my motorcycle so we would have money for things. We both worked as home health aides - a job I dearly loved, I eventually also went to work for the IRS as a tax examiner. We bought a house. I pulled a bunch of money out of my 401K to make a down payment on it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do but it was the only place I had left to pull from - I owed more in taxes and penalties the next year than I made.

I loved the house we bought. It was on a big lot, had a huge backyard, 2 garages, a storage shed and a hot tub. We had fun working on the house. We tore paneling down, spackled, sanded, painted, put new trim around windows and doors. I learned to do a lot of things from owning that house. I learned to repair the hot tub, replace sprinkler heads, fix PVC pipe, change out a water faucet, change locks - lots of things.

We had a lot of good times, lots of good memories but also a lot of . . . hard times. I know many nights my partner cried herself to sleep or got so angry with me she would leave the room, go to the computer room and write me an email to vent her frustrations and anger.

I think from the time I left to make a life with her I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I would have to go back to my other life. Maybe that is the reason I had to go back. At the time I thought I was doing it because it was what the Lord wanted me to do. Now, I really don't know anymore. I do know I thought if I made this sacrifice that somehow, someway, it would turn out to be the best for my partner and me and that we would be able to come back together and build a life better than either of us had known before.

It took her about three weeks to find a new girlfriend.