Past, Present, Future Part III

Through the online group I joined I met all kinds of women. Some I found myself being attracted too just through their online writings. Some of them I met in person. It was nice to be able to ask questions, express thoughts in a forum that was safe. To be able to connect with people who understood the things I was feeling.

Through this group I met the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I really had no intentions of meeting her or even talking to her personally. She was very well known, and popular, on the list. The time came when she was in the midst of a very painful breakup from a lover. I sent her a message telling her I was thinking about her. That lead to chatting online and emailing quite frequently. For a long time I resisted her request for contact by phone. When I finally agreed to a phone call we hadn't been on the line long when she had to go because her daughter broke her arm. We arranged to meet in June of 1998. We met in the parking lot of the Pizza Hut in Richfield, UT. I had seen pictures of her she had posted on the web but she had never seen any pictures of me. I had told her I was a middle-aged woman with grey hair. I will never forget the first words she said to me - "You're cute!" I guess she was expecting a rather doggish looking woman. We spent the day together, went to a park and talked and then went to lunch. I think by the end of the day I was pretty much in love with her - if I hadn't been before.

I sometimes think I could write forever on that relationship and still not cover it all. The joy, the pain, the betrayal. Anyway - in February of 2001 I left my marriage and moved to Ogden, UT to begin a life with her. Had I been aware of the things that had transpired in the months before I moved there I probably wouldn't have gone. I am really struggling for words here. I guess the most simple way to put it is - had I known she was still having sex with other women I probably never would have made the move but - I didn't. Even though I had asked point blank.

We lived in a rental house for the first 6 months. I worked at a spa and for a couple of chiropracters as a massage therapist. I had some money in savings we used for living expenses when my income didn't quite cut it. I sold my motorcycle so we would have money for things. We both worked as home health aides - a job I dearly loved, I eventually also went to work for the IRS as a tax examiner. We bought a house. I pulled a bunch of money out of my 401K to make a down payment on it. I knew it was a stupid thing to do but it was the only place I had left to pull from - I owed more in taxes and penalties the next year than I made.

I loved the house we bought. It was on a big lot, had a huge backyard, 2 garages, a storage shed and a hot tub. We had fun working on the house. We tore paneling down, spackled, sanded, painted, put new trim around windows and doors. I learned to do a lot of things from owning that house. I learned to repair the hot tub, replace sprinkler heads, fix PVC pipe, change out a water faucet, change locks - lots of things.

We had a lot of good times, lots of good memories but also a lot of . . . hard times. I know many nights my partner cried herself to sleep or got so angry with me she would leave the room, go to the computer room and write me an email to vent her frustrations and anger.

I think from the time I left to make a life with her I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, that I would have to go back to my other life. Maybe that is the reason I had to go back. At the time I thought I was doing it because it was what the Lord wanted me to do. Now, I really don't know anymore. I do know I thought if I made this sacrifice that somehow, someway, it would turn out to be the best for my partner and me and that we would be able to come back together and build a life better than either of us had known before.

It took her about three weeks to find a new girlfriend.