Past, Present and Future - Conclusion

From the moment I began my relationship with Lisa I felt peace, the peace that speaks to my heart. I know many people will discount this saying it was a false peace, or I was listening to Satan rather than the Lord. After all, I was married, we were both women, how could this possibly be right? I have no answers, just a simple statement - I felt peace.

This isn't to say the relationship has been easy because it hasn't been. If you were to liken it to an amusement park - we have definitely been on the roller coaster rather than the merry go round. There have been times we almost called it quits and went on our separate ways. When one was ready to do that it seems like the other was determined to hang on, and it wasn't the same one in the same position all the time. We have made so many good memories, had so many good times, shed so many tears.

Where does this leave my marriage? It leaves it at an end. I feel a sadness as I type those words and have shed more tears over it than most would believe. I love Bill and I know he loves me but the time has come where we both know we deserve a different, and better, life than we are living. We will part as the best of friends, we have always been better friends than spouses. I will be here if he needs me, as I know he will for me. That's what friends do. I worry about him tremendously but trust that my family, and his kids, will take care of him. Since this decision has been made our relationship has been better than it has been since I came back 5 years ago. He seems like a totally different person, like a huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders. We are able to laugh together again and enjoy each others company. I love the changes I see in him and it gives me hope that he can find a future, and a happiness, that isn't dependent on me. That is too be a burden to carry, to feel you are responsible for anothers happiness.

I suppose there will always be times when I chastise and berate myself always wondering - what if, if only, if I had just done this differently or that differently, if only I could have. I will always assign the biggest burden for the failure of the marriage to me. I don't regret the marriage for myself, I do regret the pain I have brought to Bill over the years. At the same time I can acknowledge I also brought him a great deal of happiness, as he did me, over the years.

As for the future - I will leave here after the first of the year and move to California to begin a life with Lisa. I am sad and happy, excited and scared. I don't know how, or where, we will live I only know we will do it together. I do feel a great sense of peace when I am with her. I love her. I trust her, she is safe for me. I'm not sure what greater honor I could give her than to say those two things. Those who know me know I don't give my trust easily, I may give my love easily but not my trust. We have both had our chances to walk away, with justification, and we have both chosen to stay. Through our relationship I have come to truly understand the meaning of the word partnership, to begin to understand what it means and what it entails.