OK - my 2 X 4 moment. As I said in Part I, I had been wondering about my sexuality for a few years but always pushed it aside after each *huh?* incident. I was working in an office with a woman I had known for quite awhile, I met her through work but had just recently transferred into the same office as her. Each morning she and I would meet with the director of training for our *morning briefing* . One morning we were laughing and joking about something and I looked at this woman and thought "Holy Shit - I am in love with her" I mean out of the blue. An attraction to her had never even come close to crossing my mind before this incident. It truly was like being hit over the head with a 2 X 4, run over by a freight train, whatever you want to call it. I was totally dumbfounded. We were nothing alike. I am jeans and sweatshirts, she is a clothes horse. I didn't drink or smoke, she did way to much of both. I had a strong belief in God, she was an athiest.
With this insight came the realization that this wasn't something I could sweep under the rug, ignore, push to the back of my mind anymore. This was something I had to find a way to deal with. I am almost embarrassed to even put my reaction to it in words. The next few years were probably the darkest of my life. When I think of it now it seems like such a dramatic and uncalled for reaction but - it was what it was. I did continue to function at work, but barely. I remember times when I would close the door and sit under my desk in the dark. Time passed so slowly, I dreaded days off because being at home was worse than being at work. I became obsessed with my weight, trying to cut all fat out of my diet. I was religious about exercise. ( i guess all of that wasn't bad - I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now :/)
She knew something was wrong with me and covered for me many times. One day I decided it was time to tell her what was going on with me. I went to her house, I paced, I shook, I started to say it a dozen times before I finally just blurted out "I'm gay." She looked at me and said "Is that all?"
I thought "What do you mean is that all?" I could not reconcile this part of myself with my view of myself. I was LDS - a mormon. Mormons weren't gay, and for sure good people weren't gay. Only weak people were gay. This was something that could be overcome with self control - it was all about control. After this she became my greatest source of support, which was good in some ways and bad in others.
I did an internet search and found an email support group for LDS who were struggling with *Same Sex Attraction*. (Funny how I found that term so much easier to deal with in the beginning and now . . . now I don't like it at all.) I joined the group and met some of the most wonderful women I have ever known. Even though I am no longer a member of the group some of my best friends today are women I met there. I had never heard anyone talk about God as being *cool* before. I was amazed there was someone who really still enjoyed spending time with her husband. One of the members used to be a RS President. It definitely made me feel like I wasn't such a freak, such an oddity.
The Gift of Faith
1 month ago