Finding my balance

On Friday I got the word that I have been relieved of all dispatch duties. I will be allowed to continue to work there but not as a dispatcher. The fire chief has filed a formal complaint about my voice and made it a liability issue. He has tried this numerous times in the past but my previous police chief always protected me - we have a new chief now, and that is all I will say about that. I had a meeting with my supervisor and the HR director for the city. They have both listened to recordings of my dispatches and both understand my dispatches plainly.

I went in to turn in my letter of resignation, my badge and uniforms today. I won't be leaving until January but if I turn in my letter now my supervisor can get started on the hiring process. While I was there she asked me what I was thinking and I told her nothing. When I got home I decided she deserved a better answer than that so I tried to put into words what is going on inside my head and why this has thrown me for such a loop. This was my email to her:


You asked me this morning what I am thinking - I will try and pull it together for you in this email. Right now, it is much easier for me to write than it is to talk. Right now, I don't really care if I ever talk again.

I am trying to regain my balance and hold on to who I am - separate from anything, or anyone, else. As I think about what that means, I go back to when I was 18, going to college. I went there to play volleyball - no one told me a freshman doesn't start, no one told me a freshman would likely spend most of their time on the bench. I didn't know those things so I went and played volleyball - I was the starting server for every game we played except for the one where I was in the hospital because I got hurt the game before. I was confident in myself and my abilities because no one told me I couldn't do it.

Years and life took its toll on me and I often wondered where that confident 18 year old had gone. I wasn't sure I could load a roll of toilet paper and do it right. I went to work at Callville Bay for a man named Dean Crane - he believed in me. What a difference that made in my life for so many years. Once again I became the person who could do anything, there was nothing I couldn't learn, nothing, given enough time, that I couldn't conquer.

One day I started to realize how really different I was from other women - I wasn't just a tom boy, someone who liked sports and guy things but I was *really* different. That put me in a place I refuse to return to no matter what other option I have to take. Inta is largely responsible for getting me through that and that is one of the many reasons I love her so much. Anyway - that was kind of a side note. I did get through it - I found the courage to quit a job I had grown stagnant in and become a massage therapist. Kim was largely responsible for that, she believed in me, she loved me, she supported me. After school I found the courage to leave a marriage that was really no longer a marriage and start a life with the person I thought I would be with until the day I died. I knew she loved me and always would, she would be my my side no matter what. You know how that turned out. When I came back here I was as close to returning to that place I swore I would never visit again as I ever hope to be.

When I got the word that I had been hired as a dispatcher I knew in my heart this was right for me. There were days I got discouraged, days I thought I would never learn all there was to learn but this was something *I* was doing - and I was good at it! I was really good at what I was doing and I absolutely loved it. I still remember the day Sgt. Bartell called me to his office after one of the first shifts I worked with him and told me thank you for all I did and what a pleasure it was to work with me. This job has been my refuge through more than you will ever know and *I* did it. My heart had found a home again that was dependent only on me.

Now, I have lost that and I need to be able to get my balance again, to remember who I am. I have always tried to live within my integrity, even when other people haven't understood, and questioned, that integrity. I don't want to do a job I can't give my absolute best to. When I come back to work I will come back as a person who is able give my all to whatever it is I am doing. If I can't do that, I don't want to come back.

J