Sunday, July 25, 2010

It is 3:00 AM and I am 3/4 of the way through a 16 hour shift. It is getting a bit difficult to stay awake so I thought I would put words to some of the thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head for awhile.

I finally broke down and made an appointment to see a Dr here to get a botox shot. It has been 16 months since my last shot and I was getting really worn out struggling with my voice. The Dr here isn't nearly as gentle as my Dr in AZ was but I think he got the job done. I had the shot a couple of days ago and my voice feels really good. It is so nice to be able to just open my mouth and speak. I hope it lasts for a bit, it makes my job so much easier. I am thinking about having surgery to correct this but am still a bit hesitant. It involves the cutting and re-routing of nerves and while the success rate is quite high, if it isn't a success I could be left with no voice at all.

I believe a change has crept upon me so slowly I never saw it coming. For most of my life I have preferred to be alone. When I was a kid my mom used to say if she ever wanted to punish me instead of sending me to my room she would have to make me come out of my room. For many years I have preferred to do most things alone. As I write this my heart hurts a bit for those people who were around me because I realize that really wasn't fair to them - for me to live such a solitary life and shut them out. This last week Lisa has helped with Cub Scout Day Camp most of the week so I have had the mornings to myself. I took the dog for walks, and we went to the pier fishing one day. I realized I would much rather do those things with Lisa than do them by myself. It's not that I can't enjoy them if I am alone, it's just that they are more enjoyable if she is with me - so very strange, and a bit unsettling, for me.

It has long been a dream of mine to go to New York City during the Christmas season. A couple of months ago Lisa told me she had looked into airfare, hotels, etc and figured if we put by a certain amount of money each month in 2 years we would be able to go so we have been doing that. At the same time we decided a good way to get extra spending money for the trip would be to collect cans and bottles for recycling. In CA every time you buy a can of soda pop or a bottle of water $.05 is added onto the cost. We took our first bunch in last week and only got $26 - kind of disappointing be we decided to continue to collect anyway. It is kind of fun, almost like a treasure hunt of sorts. We carry a plastic bag with us every time we leave the house.

I appreciate my older brother so much. We text quite often. Whenever I hear about 3 texts come through in succession I know it is him texting. He is often just sharing some little part of his day with me. Sometimes I think he texts because he is lonely, sometimes he texts just to see how I am doing - whatever the reason it is always nice to hear from him and know he is thinking about me. He always lets me know he loves me and that always makes me feel good.