Past, Present, Future Part IV

Leaving my partner and family and coming back to Page was the hardest thing I had ever done. If I had known it was going to be the end of us a partners I honestly don't know that I could have done it. I left August 28, 2003.

When I came back I honestly thought I could do better than I have done. I never anticipated how hard it would be to show physical affection to Bill. At times I really resented him. I felt if he had just been able to let me go I would've been able to stay in Ogden and make a good life for myself. I felt I had let go and moved on - I had a new home, new jobs, new friends. I liked the area. There was always this huge struggle inside of me because I was there and was finding some happiness and he wasn't finding any happiness. He routinely asked me to come back. I fasted, I prayed, I went to the temple, all looking for answers but I never seemed to find any. I am to the point now where I can take part of the blame myself (as I always should have.) I really didn't do anything to make him let go. I didn't say I am not coming back, I didn't file for divorce. I didn't do anything to make it final.

I am fairly certain he expected things to be way different when I came back also. Had he known how they would be he may have been content to just let me stay gone. Ever since I came back I have looked for a reason why - why did I have to come back, what was the purpose, what were either of us supposed to learn.

Around the time I was coming back to Page Lisa rejoined our internet list. My partner and I had met her and her girlfriend several years ago. Due to some really sticky situations we really didn't hit it off very well. I thought she was very attractive the first time we met. I remember we were waiting for them at McDonalds, having no idea what they looked like. The minute Lisa walked through the door I turned to my partner and said "There she is" - Anyway, Lisa emailed me personally and told me she was sorry for the things my partner and I were going through and we begin to chat and email back and forth occasionally. We learned we had many interests in common and I enjoyed interacting with her.

In December I went back up to Ogden to visit and help get Christmas for the kids. I mentioned in an email to Lisa that I was going. In her response she said she felt a little jealous about the trip and I thought it was because she was attracted to my, now ex, partner. She had to email me back and tell me that wasn't why she was jealous (another 2 X 4 moment) she was jealous because she was beginning to have feelings for me. This was somewhat shocking to me as I was beginning to really like her but put thoughts of that way out of my mind. At that point in my life I couldn't see how anyone could ever be attracted to me, after all, the woman I had loved most in my life had just walked away after 5 years with hardly even a look back.