Love and Hope

Cowboy,

I think there are times in our lives where we need to take stock as to who we are and what we want to be. For awhile I have had thoughts about if I truely loved myself or felt good about me, and mostly I shrugged those thoughts off--probably the fear of what I would see. It's scary to really look at yourself and to realize there are so many things that need improvement. Perhaps now that I've become stable on a medication I am now seeing the human being I never wanted to see. And as I write this my heart is saddened by my lack of goodness or maybe its hidden so far underneath all this other stuff that I cannot see it or let it out. I think maybe I am not making any sense. And maybe I am not. This writing is sort of a therapy I guess. Crying as you write...and you can wipe your nose on your sleave and no one gets grossed out (well, I guess now they might). I go through moments in my life where I realized I need to greatly improve myself. And then there are times that I realize that in an area I am absolutely failing in. And when I realize it I am struck in the gut with this huge pile of bricks and I just lie there, hardly breathing, hurt, devistated, and feeling hopeless. And then I realized that I can do this, I can achieve this particular thing that I thought I have failed at. I have to remember the things that have helped me become a better person, I have to remember the practices and affirmations I believe in and used to practice, I have to go back to basic things that can make me a better person, a person others value, a person I want to be, a person who is happy and full of hope and unconditional love.

Dirk Simpson: I don't believe in unconditional love, I mean, what is it anyway? Cut off my ears, steal my money and I'll love you anyway?
Grace Beasley: Yes, and more.
Dirk Simpson: More?
Grace Beasley: You don't have to love me back.

lil' audrey