Disillusioned

I have become very disillusioned with organized religion. I am not angry or bitter, more like tired and sad. I think this whole Prop 8 thing turned out to be bad for all involved. It makes me sad that my church joined a coalition with those who were calling them evil just a few months before. It makes me sad that when this coalition started campaigning using half truths and fear mongering my church didn't stand up and say - this isn't right. It makes me sad that when this coalition wrote what was basically a blackmail letter to those supporting the opposition that a member of my churches name was included on the letter. It makes me sad to find out that the leader of the *grassroots movement* to pass Prop 8 in California has a son who is gay. How hurtful that must be for the son. It makes me sad to see the actions taken after the proposition was passed. I understand being upset because a right was taken away, I understand being fearful for your families future and rights. I, personally, was very disappointed in the outcome of the election. I don't understand targeting people with hatred because of their beliefs. Some backlash has to be expected when you are dealing with an issue as emotional as peoples family. I just don't like the way it was expressed.

I realized a couple of days ago that I almost cringe inwardly when I hear someone talk about Christ or the Lord. Made me stop and wonder why. I can get on my knees and pray at night and feel totally OK with talking to God, I don't feel out of place or unworthy to do that. I think maybe it is because so many people have been so mistreated in the name of God. So much hate and intolerance has been spread in the name of God. So many people have made signs and picketed telling me God disapproves of me, that I am an abomination because of who I love. I am having trouble putting words to this. Maybe it's like the kid who is always told - you just wait until your
Dad gets home. Before long he will start to dread the time when Dad comes home.

I don't dread talking to God, I wouldn't dread a face to face meeting with Him. I don't think I would feel unworthy to be in His presence. Maybe it is because I see him as a Heavenly Father and not as a vengeful God. I don't feel uncomfortable being in my own fathers presence and surely my Heavenly Father must love me at least as much as my earthly father. I need to hold onto the God I know and see and not the God the world has portrayed these last months. I need to be able to separate God from any religion. To know that no one has the corner on Him, that no one can tell me where He can, or cannot, be found. To know that He can live inside my heart if I will only make room for Him.