Nature fascinates me

I love nature. It constantly amazes me. I love to watch a spider build a web and wait for it's prey. I have several hummingbirds in my yard that are constantly flitting about, chasing each other from place to place. When I go to the beach I like to watch for little creatures as I walk in the surf. When I see the squirrel across the street carefully making his way across the powerline I wish he would come down and visit for a minute, let me touch him. It has been a new experience for me to watch the metamorphosis of our avocado tree. When we moved here in January it has fruit on it ready to pick. Towards spring time the leaves started to drop but it was different from what I am used to seeing. I never seen the leaves turn color, I just saw them on the ground and they were already brown. As far as I could tell the tree was always in full leaf. Next a whole much of little antenna like things started to grow, then they blossomed out. The next thing I was was teeny tiny avocados. Now they are almost full size. The tenacity of grass amazes me. It can look totally dead but give it a bit of water and it turns green again.

It is beautiful outside this morning and my heart and soul longs to take a walk in the desert, among the red rock and blue waters of Lake Powell. I want to stand high above the lake and watch the boats go by, sit and watch the crows soar and play on the breeze, feel the comfort and peace that is there for my heart and soul.

I got a call from the LA County Dr. on Friday, Sept 11. He wanted to ask me questions about the spasmodic dysphonia. I don't think he was familiar with the disorder or the treatment. He asked questions about botox dosage, how the shots affected my voice, what some of the medical notes meant. I answered all his questions and he said he would have to think about clearing me for the job. in about 5-10 mintues he called back with more questions. He asked me if I was aware of what the job entailed. I told him I had been a police, fire, 911, EMS dispatcher for 5 years in Arizona, that I had handled building fires, suicides and shootings. He still seemed unconvinced. I asked him if he had been able to clearly understand me during our phone conversations. He made the comment that he had had to ask me to repeat a couple of times. I told him that was OK because I had also had to ask him to repeat himself a few times, he was asian and had quite an accent. I told him if he was looking for someone with a pretty voice that was something I would never have. I asked him to please not reject me because of this because I knew I could do the job, I have done the job for 5 years and I am a darned good dispatcher. He said he would have to think about it and call me back. In about 5 minutes he called back and said he would clear me for the job. I was so relieved I was almost ill. I have been quite nervous. It seems like I have been fighting so long to get someone to let me dispatch that now it is almost here fear I oversold myself. Even though my voice is really doing quite well I think I will always be leary in any situation where I have to talk alot for prolonged periods of time. I hope I can get some speech therapy once I get some insurance.

I texted a bunch of people and told them the news and talked to Mom and Dad and Bill. I talked to Charlene that night. It was good to talk with her for a bit but she seemed either tired or distracted. I asked her how she thought my voice was doing and she said it was great. Then she said "It really frosts my butt that you can dispatch for LA County but you couldn't for Page PD." I miss her a lot.

Mom called me just a couple of days before I got the above mentioned phone call and wanted to know how I was doing. It was good to talk to her. Dad and Bill were out fishing so it was just me and her on the phone. It was nice to have her be able to hear and understand me and she didn't even have her hearing aids in. She told me to always remember they love me no matter what.

The weather has cooled off a bit the last couple of days - there is just a touch of fall in the air. I like it, now I just wish it would rain.

I am so frustrated with LA County - I don't know if I want to scream or cry. About a week and a half ago I got a letter from the requesting all the medical records relating to treatment for spasmodic dysphonia. I had a whole packet of papers Dr. Bansberg had given me when I had my injection in December so I faxed them all over. There had to be over 20 pages. Just today I get another letter asking for any notes from treatment from Sept. 10, 2008 until present. I had the injection in December and one more in March of this year. The records would read the same as most of the 20 pages I faxed in before. I called the phone number and, or course, got voice mail so I told the lady about the 2 treatments and that the records would read the same as all the previous ones and asked her to give me a call. I have no faith in her actually doing that as when I faxed in the other records I had asked her to call me if she needed anymore information, which she didn't do. Instead she sent me another letter which took another 6 days. I called Dr. Bansbergs office and asked them if they would fax the records over and sent them a fax with the information. I hope they follow through.

The foremost thought in my mind right now is that if I had never disclosed this on my medical app then I would more than likely be working now. I almost didn't disclose it, not intentionally, but just because I didn't think about it. If the lady at the desk hadn't give me my app back to fill in a couple of missing boxes it wouldn't have been on there. I debated about whether to put it on or not and decided it was best to be honest. Guess maybe my judgement was off there.

I was chatting with my oldest friend a couple of nights ago - I have known her since I was 15. In fact I met her 37 years ago this month. She has been a very good friend to me, always willing to lend an ear when I needed one, never hesitated to kick my butt if she thought I needed it. Someone had told her husband of my sexual orientation and he came home irate to think she had been friends with me all these years. I guess I was a little stunned at his reaction. I have been to their home many times and while he and I weren't really friends we did chat a bit if he was around while I was there. It hurts my heart to think our friendship made their home uncomfortable, if only for awhile. I wonder if I will ever get used to that kind of anger over me and my choices. It reminded me of when another friends husband decided I was hitting on his wife when we were nothing but good friends. It changed that friendship forever and I suppose this will too. I can't imagine being comfortable going to her home to see her when I am over that way knowing it will more than likely cause her grief. For most of our friendship neither of us knew of my sexual orientation. When I realized it she was one of the first people I talked to because I trusted her and I knew she really cared about me. When we rarely even touch each other and it is even more rare for us to hug hello or good-bye. It's always been that way. I don't understand things like this but I guess I need to start thinking they will be the rule rather than the exception.

I think my medical exam went fine. The Dr. seemed more concerned about my decades old knee injury than he did my voice disorder. I had to do several things to demonstrate me knee was OK but he only asked if I thought the voice disorder would interefere with my ability to do the job. I hope to hear something from someone in the next couple of weeks.

Yesterday I drove into Glendale to attend a SD support meeting. Lisa took time away from her school work to go with me. I know she really couldn't afford to do that be was awful thankful she did. It was kind of nice to walk into a place and not be afraid to speak. They were all impressed that I was going for a dispatch job. Made me a bit concerned about my ability to do it for some reason. All I know is I want to give it a try and if I don't make it then at least I will know and I will find something else to do.

I sometimes wonder if my last thyroplasty II surgery isn't beginning to kick in. It seems awfully strange to me that it would this long after the surgery - over 18 months. I normally have to get a botox shot about every 4 months. It has been 5 months now and I still have a fairly smooth voice most of the time. I don't have any volume and both of those things lead me to believe it is the implant. I remember when I came out of surgery Dr. Bansberg expected me to have a breathy voice and that is kinda what I have now. Maybe it will get stronger with time. Trying to figure all this stuff out makes me quite tired sometimes.

I have also wondered if interacting with people doesn't wear me out. That seems kind of a silly thing if it is true. I have noticed a couple of times before and then yesterday I was ready to go to bed by 8:00 and the only thing I did that was really different was go to the support group meeting. Maybe I have just lived inside my own head for too long.

Tomorrow is my medical exam. I am a little nervous about it. I have been having some really rough voice days. If I had known this background process was going to take so long I would have waited a couple of months to get my botox injection. I can't afford to get another one now, I had no insurance for the last one and will be quite awhile paying it off. When we were home for July 24th weekend I felt so hopeful because I thought my voice was doing really well but I have really struggled since I have come back. If I can just get the job and have a chance to show them I can be really good in the job I hope they will work with me. When I get insurance I can go get a botox injection to hold me for a few months.

I have emailed with a couple of people who have had the SLAD-R surgery for spasmodic dysphonia and have been very pleased with the result. They go in and sever the nerve to the vocal cords that is carrying the message to spasm and route a healthy nerve to them. The success rate is 85 - 90%. I wish so badly I had had it done a year ago even though my insurance wouldn't have covered much of it.

I have felt all along like this whole process of moving here, from us finding the house to me getting the job offer to how we have, amazingly, made it financially has just gone like it should - everything has just fallen into place. I am trying to hold onto that knowledge and feeling but I am having a bit of a hard time finding it right now.

I guess what will be will be and I will roll with the punches and work with the hand that is dealt to me. I think I am just really ready to have a winning hand where my voice is concerned.

I wonder if I could really talk if I would babble incessantly like this guy I saw at the water park today.