To the Mountains

I was able to spend a couple of night camping and fishing in the boulder mountains with Mom and Dad. It was so nice to get away somewhere cool for a bit. There was even frost when we got up in the mornings. We caught lots of fish, even caught a few grayling. We also ate lots of good dutch oven cooking. Food always tastes better on a campout for some reason. I rescued the guy on the left from the water. I had chased these little beasties all day long trying to get one to land, or hold still, long enough for me to take a pic. Once I rescued him he was content to let me snap away to my hearts content. I left him on a piece of wood, did a little reikki over him and hope he made it into the air again. I posted more pictures of the trip over on my facebook page.

routine/structure

Routine....my mind needs it and my life requires it to function well. I think I never thought I would say that (out loud). It is a little bit hard for me to bounce back after the summer time. I slept when I wanted and didn't have to wake up early....but now, here I am back in school and back on a routine...and I always do so much better this way. I am so grateful Jay encourages me to keep a routine...she knows me so well.

Part of this routine is taking vitamins and meds. I was just put on more medication along with what I already take. I am thinking the combination is helping me to feel any better, but I'm not quite sure yet. I really wanted the doc to help me with the anxiety and not sleeping well. I am hoping my increase of exercise will help with the anxiety and sleep problem. Night time, or going to sleep is always hard for me. I get a tremendous amount of anxiety. I have to force myself to lie down...and then I lie there and make myself lay still...I feel like a little kid because I just wanna get up and keep playing. I sleep better during the day...go figure : /

Another part of my routine is exercise. Man, I hate doing it everyday, but I know it is so good for me. I had to talk myself into it, so I moved the Nordic track into my room in front of the tv, and.....I think it's working....but, sshhhh!!

I am still working on the eating better part....but, I will get there. I am working real hard to keep caffeine out of my diet. I've just got to move towards healthier snacks and adding more veggies and fruit into the mix....but, gotta do it one step at a time. I need all of these things to be apart of my life, not just something I try for awhile and stop doing.

Structure....hmmmm.....I know my baby girl thrives on it and I know I gotta have it, BUT, I swear it goes against my natural self...nails on a chalk board(side note here....I was always the naughty kid that did that nail thing, just to make the kids in school freak out). Anyways, its so much better when I am on a regular schedule when school is in and I have to go everyday and the kids go everyday. It helps me to be able to focus all this energy into something constructive and worthwhile. I do love school and work hard to do well. I am so grateful to have a partner who loves me enough to allow me to focus on my school work. She is so patient with me and listens to all me talk about how school is going and the things I struggle with.

This post is dedicated to my one and only. . . my angel

Then and Now

I was reading entries in a previous blog and came upon this one written in March

the darkness beckons
how i long to accept it's invitation
to let myself be wrapped in its arms of comfort
just for today, i want to let it be in charge, in control
just for today, i don't want to be the strong one
just for today, i want someone to take care of me
but i know the danger of giving in to just for today
it doesn't stop at just for today
it begins to feel comfortable
it begins to be easier to give in than to fight
before you are aware just for today has become weeks
hot tears stream silently down my cheeks
where do i turn for strength
where do i find the courage, the desire to continue the fight
there is only one place, there has ever only been one place
and that is me - it all begins and ends with me
and so - i will look inside of me
i will find what i need to find
i will continue to fight for me
just for today . . .

I remember the day I wrote it, how bleak and hopeless life seemed at that time. Life is better now. Not a bowl of cherries every day, that is for sure, but it is still better than it was that day. On days like today I gather strength, I hoard energy and good feelings, I try to keep a small reservoir of them hidden inside of me so when harder days appear I will have something to draw on. I take pictures of things that amuse or interest me so on the harder days I have something to remind me that, surely, better days will follow.

Today I feel positive about life and the future. I have no doubt there will be hard days to come, maybe even more days like the one I wrote about. Today I am better than just OK - I am good.

CA Trip

I just got back from a trip to California, I spent a few days with Lis. I enjoyed myself and my time with her immensely.

We bought Jamie a bike while I was there. She has been riding a scooter and it was stolen, she had another one but it was pretty wrecked. We gave her the choice of a new scooter or a bicycle and she chose the bicycle. We went to Wal-mart and let her pick out the one she wanted. I think she was a bit intimidated by it at first. She kept worrying that she was gonna fall or crash - "I a gonna crash . . ." She had never ridden a bike without training wheels and stopped riding when she got so big the training wheels collapsed. Her balance isn't that great so there was good reason for her concern. She wanted to show the bike to her dad and brothers so Lis agreed to help her ride it over to their house. Lis said she had to run to keep up with her. When they got home she practiced for quite awhile riding it around the back of the apartment complex. I was so proud of her for doing so well. She really took off on it.

We spent a day at the beach - that is always one of our favorite things to do. It was beautiful there, almost hot. We napped, read for a bit. I took a walk down the beach while Lisa napped, found a few shells and a couple of cool rocks. The beach is so peaceful to me. Later we walked into town and went to the health food store and the candy store. We didn't buy anything at the health food store, just the candy store - what a surprise! We then walked back to the beach and cooked some sea bass on the grill. It was a very good day.

We always exchange massages when we get together. I am a massage therapist and do massages out of my home. Lisa has never had any formal training but she does well and always manages to put me asleep on the table. It is good for both of us to get that kind of touch.

Just before I got there the county called and rescheduled Lisa's psychiatrist appointment. I was glad I was able to go with her. It was only the second time she had seen this Dr. The first time she wasn't too impressed with him cause he never looked at her and never asked her any questions. I am thinking she wish he had stuck to that. He asked lots of questions this time. Some she answered and some I answered. I think it helped him to get different perspectives on some things. I'm gonna leave this as it is and hope that she will post more about this visit if she feels inclined.

Random Thoughts

Lisa and I were having a discussion a couple of days ago about personal revelation and what part it should play in ones life. She asked if it was wrong to deny personal revelation. This is an interesting question and one that, as usual, leaves me with more questions than it does answers. In my church there are those who believe that once the prophet has spoken the thinking is done, then it is just a matter of obedience. I am not sure I can agree with that. Once you decide to start denying personal revelation where do you stop, where do you draw the line. If your personal revelation goes along with the church leaders counsel then you accept it but if it doesn't then you ignore it? If that is the case, what is the purpose of praying about anything in the first place? I do know obedience has it's place but why are we given personal revelation if we are not to use it to guide our lives? I suppose the opposite is true too, why have church leaders give counsel and instruction if we are not to follow it? Maybe it is like the conundrum of Adam and Eve in the Garden. Adam was determined to do all the things the Lord commanded him. The only catch was that to be able to multiply and replenish the earth he had to leave the garden of eden, he had to partake of the forbidden fruit. I believe the best a person can do is find a place of peace to live their life and do what they can to stay there. If you are constantly checking in with the Lord about where you are, and how you are doing, if you are really listening with an open heart and mind and you feel peace with your decisions and where you are I don't know what else you can do. I don't know what else you can be expected to do.

This life is hard, no doubt about it. I know people who seem to think we were sent to the earth to suffer, that we aren't guaranteed happiness in this life, that it is something that is to be endured. I don't believe that. It's true, we aren't ever guaranteed happiness, we have to make our own. I believe if you are unhappy you need to make some changes in your life. I don't think happiness is necessarily the same as easy and easy is not necessarily the same as simple. Some changes may be simple changes but it doesn't mean they will be easy to make. Some things in life are going to be hard but that doesn't mean they have to bring unhappiness. If we can't find happiness in this life I don't believe we will be magically blessed with it in the next life. Life is so much harder when you see yourself as the victim, when you see all around you through a glass of negativity.

I will be going to Northern Utah for my cousins funeral on Monday. He was only in his mid 40's when he died. At one time he had a very good paying job as an accountant for the government. Then he started to drink and just couldn't seem to stop. Years ago I probably would have been very judgemental towards him and his situation. Now - now I just feel sad that he didn't have a better life. I am sad that, when he seemed to be getting his life together. his life ended. I am sad for whatever situations in his life drove him to alcohol in the first place. I know he was a good man, the person he harmed most was himself. I hope he can have a season of peace now.

I think I probably could have summed all of this up by posting the lyrics to one of my favorite songs by LeeAnn Womack

I HOPE YOU DANCE

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small When you stand by the ocean
Whenever one door closes,
I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a real and constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their youth and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

An Instrument?

I was wondering yesterday if the Lord has ever worked through me - used me as an instrument to help others. I sometimes think maybe that has happened and then I think I am rather egotistical for even wondering it let alone seriously considering it.

Books

I love to read. I have for as long as I can remember. One of my favorite childhood memories is of mom reading to me before I lay down for my nap. I remember not wanting to start kindergarten because I knew there would be no more stories before nap time.

One of the reasons I love to read is because I can put myself in the story - I can imagine myself there. I have gone so many places through the books I have read, places real and places imagined. I have played quidditch and stolen through the halls of Hogwarts with Harry Potter. I have been on a quest to recover a ring with Frodo and ridden with Belgarion to save a kingdom. I have traveled back in time to the 18th century and the Scottish Uprising and met people I long to know in real life.

I like historical fiction, crime novels, comedy, mysteries, some romance if it has a worthwhile story to go with it. I like books that make me think about the people in the book after I am finished, I want to know more about them.

I love Vampire books. I read all the Ann Rice vampire books and have read all of the Stephanie Meyer vampire books and am just starting a series call the Nobel Dead. I picked the first book up at the library a couple of days ago and am having a hard time putting it down. I am hoping to get off work before the library closes tonight so I can see if they have the second book. If not I have already scoped it out on amazon.com