Then and Now

I was reading entries in a previous blog and came upon this one written in March

the darkness beckons
how i long to accept it's invitation
to let myself be wrapped in its arms of comfort
just for today, i want to let it be in charge, in control
just for today, i don't want to be the strong one
just for today, i want someone to take care of me
but i know the danger of giving in to just for today
it doesn't stop at just for today
it begins to feel comfortable
it begins to be easier to give in than to fight
before you are aware just for today has become weeks
hot tears stream silently down my cheeks
where do i turn for strength
where do i find the courage, the desire to continue the fight
there is only one place, there has ever only been one place
and that is me - it all begins and ends with me
and so - i will look inside of me
i will find what i need to find
i will continue to fight for me
just for today . . .

I remember the day I wrote it, how bleak and hopeless life seemed at that time. Life is better now. Not a bowl of cherries every day, that is for sure, but it is still better than it was that day. On days like today I gather strength, I hoard energy and good feelings, I try to keep a small reservoir of them hidden inside of me so when harder days appear I will have something to draw on. I take pictures of things that amuse or interest me so on the harder days I have something to remind me that, surely, better days will follow.

Today I feel positive about life and the future. I have no doubt there will be hard days to come, maybe even more days like the one I wrote about. Today I am better than just OK - I am good.