Past, Present and Future Part II

OK - my 2 X 4 moment. As I said in Part I, I had been wondering about my sexuality for a few years but always pushed it aside after each *huh?* incident. I was working in an office with a woman I had known for quite awhile, I met her through work but had just recently transferred into the same office as her. Each morning she and I would meet with the director of training for our *morning briefing* . One morning we were laughing and joking about something and I looked at this woman and thought "Holy Shit - I am in love with her" I mean out of the blue. An attraction to her had never even come close to crossing my mind before this incident. It truly was like being hit over the head with a 2 X 4, run over by a freight train, whatever you want to call it. I was totally dumbfounded. We were nothing alike. I am jeans and sweatshirts, she is a clothes horse. I didn't drink or smoke, she did way to much of both. I had a strong belief in God, she was an athiest.

With this insight came the realization that this wasn't something I could sweep under the rug, ignore, push to the back of my mind anymore. This was something I had to find a way to deal with. I am almost embarrassed to even put my reaction to it in words. The next few years were probably the darkest of my life. When I think of it now it seems like such a dramatic and uncalled for reaction but - it was what it was. I did continue to function at work, but barely. I remember times when I would close the door and sit under my desk in the dark. Time passed so slowly, I dreaded days off because being at home was worse than being at work. I became obsessed with my weight, trying to cut all fat out of my diet. I was religious about exercise. ( i guess all of that wasn't bad - I weighed 40 lbs less than I do now :/)

She knew something was wrong with me and covered for me many times. One day I decided it was time to tell her what was going on with me. I went to her house, I paced, I shook, I started to say it a dozen times before I finally just blurted out "I'm gay." She looked at me and said "Is that all?"

I thought "What do you mean is that all?" I could not reconcile this part of myself with my view of myself. I was LDS - a mormon. Mormons weren't gay, and for sure good people weren't gay. Only weak people were gay. This was something that could be overcome with self control - it was all about control. After this she became my greatest source of support, which was good in some ways and bad in others.

I did an internet search and found an email support group for LDS who were struggling with *Same Sex Attraction*. (Funny how I found that term so much easier to deal with in the beginning and now . . . now I don't like it at all.) I joined the group and met some of the most wonderful women I have ever known. Even though I am no longer a member of the group some of my best friends today are women I met there. I had never heard anyone talk about God as being *cool* before. I was amazed there was someone who really still enjoyed spending time with her husband. One of the members used to be a RS President. It definitely made me feel like I wasn't such a freak, such an oddity.

Finding my balance

On Friday I got the word that I have been relieved of all dispatch duties. I will be allowed to continue to work there but not as a dispatcher. The fire chief has filed a formal complaint about my voice and made it a liability issue. He has tried this numerous times in the past but my previous police chief always protected me - we have a new chief now, and that is all I will say about that. I had a meeting with my supervisor and the HR director for the city. They have both listened to recordings of my dispatches and both understand my dispatches plainly.

I went in to turn in my letter of resignation, my badge and uniforms today. I won't be leaving until January but if I turn in my letter now my supervisor can get started on the hiring process. While I was there she asked me what I was thinking and I told her nothing. When I got home I decided she deserved a better answer than that so I tried to put into words what is going on inside my head and why this has thrown me for such a loop. This was my email to her:


You asked me this morning what I am thinking - I will try and pull it together for you in this email. Right now, it is much easier for me to write than it is to talk. Right now, I don't really care if I ever talk again.

I am trying to regain my balance and hold on to who I am - separate from anything, or anyone, else. As I think about what that means, I go back to when I was 18, going to college. I went there to play volleyball - no one told me a freshman doesn't start, no one told me a freshman would likely spend most of their time on the bench. I didn't know those things so I went and played volleyball - I was the starting server for every game we played except for the one where I was in the hospital because I got hurt the game before. I was confident in myself and my abilities because no one told me I couldn't do it.

Years and life took its toll on me and I often wondered where that confident 18 year old had gone. I wasn't sure I could load a roll of toilet paper and do it right. I went to work at Callville Bay for a man named Dean Crane - he believed in me. What a difference that made in my life for so many years. Once again I became the person who could do anything, there was nothing I couldn't learn, nothing, given enough time, that I couldn't conquer.

One day I started to realize how really different I was from other women - I wasn't just a tom boy, someone who liked sports and guy things but I was *really* different. That put me in a place I refuse to return to no matter what other option I have to take. Inta is largely responsible for getting me through that and that is one of the many reasons I love her so much. Anyway - that was kind of a side note. I did get through it - I found the courage to quit a job I had grown stagnant in and become a massage therapist. Kim was largely responsible for that, she believed in me, she loved me, she supported me. After school I found the courage to leave a marriage that was really no longer a marriage and start a life with the person I thought I would be with until the day I died. I knew she loved me and always would, she would be my my side no matter what. You know how that turned out. When I came back here I was as close to returning to that place I swore I would never visit again as I ever hope to be.

When I got the word that I had been hired as a dispatcher I knew in my heart this was right for me. There were days I got discouraged, days I thought I would never learn all there was to learn but this was something *I* was doing - and I was good at it! I was really good at what I was doing and I absolutely loved it. I still remember the day Sgt. Bartell called me to his office after one of the first shifts I worked with him and told me thank you for all I did and what a pleasure it was to work with me. This job has been my refuge through more than you will ever know and *I* did it. My heart had found a home again that was dependent only on me.

Now, I have lost that and I need to be able to get my balance again, to remember who I am. I have always tried to live within my integrity, even when other people haven't understood, and questioned, that integrity. I don't want to do a job I can't give my absolute best to. When I come back to work I will come back as a person who is able give my all to whatever it is I am doing. If I can't do that, I don't want to come back.

J

Past, Present, Future Part I

I have been contemplating the three things above, my past, present and future, for awhile now and decided to put some words to these things. It will probably take several posts to do it.

It seems like so much of my life has been shaped by the fact that I am gay - even before I knew that's what I was it shaped my life. When other girls were developing crushes on the good looking male teachers in school I was developing a crush on the opposing coach of a church league girls softball team. When the other girls in highs school were getting excited about the freshie hop or sophomore surf, I was wanting to be around my PE teachers all the time. At the time, I didn't realize what any of this meant. I don't know that I was really confused I just remember this longing to be in the presence of these women, to be near them, I missed them and thought about them all the time when I was at home.

Things didn't change much when I went away to college. Now it was my teammates on the volleyball and basketball teams I longed to be around, as well as my coaches. I never realized until much later that several of my teammates were also lesbians - including the one who spoke to share a bed with me on out first out of town trip :/.

I have to kind of smile and shake my head at the naivety of myself all those years ago. When I went to college I had never, to my knowledge, met a lesbian and didn't realize that most of the older girls I were attracted to were just that.

I don't ever recall a desire to get married and have a family. I am trying to think back now if that is really true or if I just can't imagine myself with kids now but - I think it is really true. There have been times when I have regretted not having children but I am not sure I would've that great a parent to begin with. Since I married a man 26 years my senior it was kind of a moot point to begin with anyway. That is a story I won't go into much detail about right now other than to say that, even though I was 21 when I made the decision to marry, I was still much to young - and way to stubborn, to listen to anyone who tried to counsel me.

I had been married for about . . . ten years when I started to wonder if I might be more attracted to women than I probably should be. LOL, I remember having a sexual dream about a female telephone rep that came to my work place one day and wondering "WTH did that come from!" Next, I became very attracted to, and almost obsessed with, a women who worked in the corporate offices. I attended several training sessions with her when we were implementing a new payroll system. In my mind several meaningful glances were passed between us. Whether that was a reality or just my reality I'll never know. I do know that by this time I had decided I didn't want to marry again after Bill died. My thought was to find a woman I could live with, someone I could enjoy spending time with, someone with similar interests as mine. It never really registered with me as to what this might mean. Lisa told me one day I was a 2 X 4 Lesbian, that even when something is right in my face, someone obviously interested in me or flirting with me I have to be hit with 2 X 4 before I notice it. Next post - my 2 X 4 moment!

Marriage

I have not posted in quite some time....but, today I am feeling quite, not sure of what word to use, accept maybe upset. It's about this new commercial about prop 8. (Prop 8 would ban same sex marriage in California--even though it is legal right now). What this website and commercial have done is just wrong--taking words out of context, adding in their own assumptions, and embellishing facts. My hope was that the public wouldn't buy into these half truths. After some searching on the net and I was able to find a video that helped to counter the commercial. You can watch it on YouTube here.

I am disturbed that some people would use their religion to push their beliefs onto others and would also tell the public lies just to pass a proposition that will take someone else's choice away. I can only hope there are people out there that will remember tolerance, love and allowing others to have choices--like being able to marry the person they love and cherish.

This video puts everything into perspective... here