People Watching

I love to watch people. I recently took a trip to Alaska. On the flight from PHX to Seattle there was a group of 8 women in front of us. I gathered they had been to PHX for some kind of work seminar. There was such a sense of friendship between them. It was like they really *knew* each other, strengths as well as weaknesses and they really liked each other. I wasn't jealous but I had a longing to be a part of a group like that. A part of a group of people who really know me, all about me, and still love me, still like me, still want to be a part of my life, a group of people who trust me enough to let me know all those things about them. It seems like I often expend a lot of energy keeping people from getting to know me because past experience tells me that it is just too painful when they reject you and leave.

When we were at the fishing lodge there was a group of 5 guys on a trip there, all a part of law firm. The energy between them was totally different than that between the women on the plane. I watched them and tried to imagine what their wives were like, what kind of family they had. I heard one guy mention a place he would never return to because he didn't feel like his child was welcome there, that told me a lot about him. There was another interchange between 2 of the guys and it was like one had a secret and was almost baiting the other guy who wanted to know what the secret was. It was so different with the women where one could just point to a page in a magazine and they would all bust up laughing because they all knew the secret, it didn't even have to be mentioned.

One last thought from the trip - When we left Seattle for Sitka it was totally overcast, not long after take off we were flying in sunshine, when we got to Sitka it was totally overcast again. It made me kind of think of life and realize that there is always sun somewhere, sometimes you just have to keep climbing to get above the clouds to find it.

My Ant

I think my ant has either moved on to greener pastures or has gone to the great ant heaven in the sky. I went on a trip for a few days, left her plenty of food and when I came back all the food was still there and I haven't seen her since. I did some reading on the internet and ants really don't have that long of a life span to begin with. I hope I made her life a little easier while she was with me.

Love and Hope

Cowboy,

I think there are times in our lives where we need to take stock as to who we are and what we want to be. For awhile I have had thoughts about if I truely loved myself or felt good about me, and mostly I shrugged those thoughts off--probably the fear of what I would see. It's scary to really look at yourself and to realize there are so many things that need improvement. Perhaps now that I've become stable on a medication I am now seeing the human being I never wanted to see. And as I write this my heart is saddened by my lack of goodness or maybe its hidden so far underneath all this other stuff that I cannot see it or let it out. I think maybe I am not making any sense. And maybe I am not. This writing is sort of a therapy I guess. Crying as you write...and you can wipe your nose on your sleave and no one gets grossed out (well, I guess now they might). I go through moments in my life where I realized I need to greatly improve myself. And then there are times that I realize that in an area I am absolutely failing in. And when I realize it I am struck in the gut with this huge pile of bricks and I just lie there, hardly breathing, hurt, devistated, and feeling hopeless. And then I realized that I can do this, I can achieve this particular thing that I thought I have failed at. I have to remember the things that have helped me become a better person, I have to remember the practices and affirmations I believe in and used to practice, I have to go back to basic things that can make me a better person, a person others value, a person I want to be, a person who is happy and full of hope and unconditional love.

Dirk Simpson: I don't believe in unconditional love, I mean, what is it anyway? Cut off my ears, steal my money and I'll love you anyway?
Grace Beasley: Yes, and more.
Dirk Simpson: More?
Grace Beasley: You don't have to love me back.

lil' audrey

missing you. . .

Within you I lose myself...
Without you I find myself
Wanting to be lost again.
~Author Unknown

The Beach

Yesterday my two youngest kids and I were able to go to the beach. It was so beautiful there and it was so nice to get away from the heat. I have going to this beach for many years and each time I go I feel such peace and relaxation. It seems to be a different world where we can go to escape daily life. I think I can try to explain the feeling I get when I go there, but it is an experience you must have on your own to truely know.
I think I have ever rarely been to this particular beach and have it not be a perfect day. The weather is usually always perfect. By perfect I mean: clear skies, a bit of a nice breeze, and temperature ranging from 68-80 degrees. It is so nice. Sometimes there are so many people that go there that it seems a bit too crowded, but mostly it's not so bad on the people # meter. I try to avoid going on holidays.
But, let's get back to yesterday. . .
We kind of took our time getting the car packed and getting ready to go out there. It takes us alittle over an hour to get there and so we didn't get there until after noon. On the way we stopped at a fish hatchery and saw all the millions of fish that were swimming in these little tiny canals. Then, we drove on and finally got to the beach.
We unloaded and my 7 year old went ahead of us and found a great spot. So, we unpacked our things and plopped down for a day of chillin' and relaxing. My 7 year old played in the water and boogieboarded while my other one layed on the blanket and was a teenager--pretending not to care about playing with her brother. I read some and then my 7 year old wanted some things out of the car, so we walked up to the car. . . (this is where my story gets interesting, i swear). . . I had to use the restroom, so I let my 7 year old run ahead and use the keys and get the stuff out of the car. WELL. . . I came out of the restroom and he had come back from the car and I said, "okay, can I have my keys" and he said, "oh, well, I think they are in these bags". . . so, we looked. . .and guess what?? They got locked in the car!! I started to feel my blood pressure rise and started to get upset, but my 7 year old felt horrible for having done this, so. . . no way was I getting mad at him. . . too much sweetness in that little one. So we stuck his arm in the crack of the window. . .that didn't work and his arm was getting red marks on it. So we went and got a chair and a stick and tried to flip the lock. . . no luck!! SO, we went to the ranger and got a coat hanger, bent it in to all sorts of weird shapes. . .and presto! We got the lock open!! I dried my forehead of sweat and we went on with our wonderful day at the beach!
After this experience we went for a walk down the beach, saw some seals, played in the water and enjoyed the walk.
What a nice day, a very nice day. I can always depend on our beach trips to relax me and wear the kids out. Now, thats such a lovely sound at the end of the day. . .kids sleeping soundly : )

I really, really, REALLY hate bad voice days . . . a lot :(

Pets and Animals

I love animals, I always have. When I am at work I can get a call about a child on a bicycle getting hit by a car and it doesn't even faze me. If I get a call about a cat that has been hit and injured it makes my stomach clench and my heart hurt.

I have 3 birds, an orange winged amazon (Ollie), a timneh african grey (Sammy) and a cockatiel Wicket. I also have a cat named Murphy and a tankful of fish. I have had Ollie for about 25 years. I have recently acquired another pet of sorts - an ant. A few years ago I bought an ant farm. I had wanted one since I was a kid so when I saw one in a magazine I couldn't resist. Ants came with it and I loved watching them build their tunnels. When the original batch of ants died I collected ants in the desert for a couple more years. It always made me sad that they died within about 3 weeks and I finally put the ant farm away. About a month ago I noticed an ant crawling on my bathroom wall. I decided it wasn't hurting anything so I would just let it stay and see how long it would hang around. A couple of weeks ago I remembered I had some ant food that had come with the ant farm so I started putting a bit of the food on the little ledge of the toothbrush holder. I was so excited the day I noticed all the food was gone. I have seen as many as 3 ants on the wall but there is almost always at least one. Of course, I have no way of knowing if it is the same ant each day or not but I like to think it is. I wonder about where it is getting water, I have yet to figure out a way to get water to it. Maybe it gets enough from the air.

OK, now you are beginning to see how strange I really am. More about my other pets later.