Past, Present, Future Part I

I have been contemplating the three things above, my past, present and future, for awhile now and decided to put some words to these things. It will probably take several posts to do it.

It seems like so much of my life has been shaped by the fact that I am gay - even before I knew that's what I was it shaped my life. When other girls were developing crushes on the good looking male teachers in school I was developing a crush on the opposing coach of a church league girls softball team. When the other girls in highs school were getting excited about the freshie hop or sophomore surf, I was wanting to be around my PE teachers all the time. At the time, I didn't realize what any of this meant. I don't know that I was really confused I just remember this longing to be in the presence of these women, to be near them, I missed them and thought about them all the time when I was at home.

Things didn't change much when I went away to college. Now it was my teammates on the volleyball and basketball teams I longed to be around, as well as my coaches. I never realized until much later that several of my teammates were also lesbians - including the one who spoke to share a bed with me on out first out of town trip :/.

I have to kind of smile and shake my head at the naivety of myself all those years ago. When I went to college I had never, to my knowledge, met a lesbian and didn't realize that most of the older girls I were attracted to were just that.

I don't ever recall a desire to get married and have a family. I am trying to think back now if that is really true or if I just can't imagine myself with kids now but - I think it is really true. There have been times when I have regretted not having children but I am not sure I would've that great a parent to begin with. Since I married a man 26 years my senior it was kind of a moot point to begin with anyway. That is a story I won't go into much detail about right now other than to say that, even though I was 21 when I made the decision to marry, I was still much to young - and way to stubborn, to listen to anyone who tried to counsel me.

I had been married for about . . . ten years when I started to wonder if I might be more attracted to women than I probably should be. LOL, I remember having a sexual dream about a female telephone rep that came to my work place one day and wondering "WTH did that come from!" Next, I became very attracted to, and almost obsessed with, a women who worked in the corporate offices. I attended several training sessions with her when we were implementing a new payroll system. In my mind several meaningful glances were passed between us. Whether that was a reality or just my reality I'll never know. I do know that by this time I had decided I didn't want to marry again after Bill died. My thought was to find a woman I could live with, someone I could enjoy spending time with, someone with similar interests as mine. It never really registered with me as to what this might mean. Lisa told me one day I was a 2 X 4 Lesbian, that even when something is right in my face, someone obviously interested in me or flirting with me I have to be hit with 2 X 4 before I notice it. Next post - my 2 X 4 moment!