Days Off

Nothing like a relaxing day on the lake to recharge your batteries and rejuvenate your soul. The purpose for going on the lake was just to relax and swim. The fishing usually isn't too good this time of year but decided to give it a shot anyway.
It was one of the best fishing days in recent memory. That pic above is me with a pretty nice sized walleye. Crappie, small mouth bass and 1 striped bass were also among the days catch. The day was beautiful and the water was refreshing.

These days off are just what I needed. On Wednesday I really didn't do much of anything, mostly just rested. Thursday was the lake trip and I even ordered pizza when I got home so I didn't have to cook. Today I mowed the lawn, fixed a leaky faucet at the kitchen sink, took a nap, read a book, loaded audio books on my mp3 players and fixed the most delicious dinner. I am so pleased that I finally figured out how to cook london broil. I fixed some when Lis was here a couple of months ago and was almost embarrassed it was so bad. What I fixed tonite was excellent. I grilled some onions and anaheim peppers to go with it and fixed some fresh squash. AND - I really don't know why I am writing all of this - no one reads this blog but me and Lis and we both know all this stuff! LOL, oh well . . .

I am off to a softball game tonite. Hope I can stop more balls with my mitt this game than I do my legs, the mitt doesn't seem to bruise near as easily :/

Today . . .

. . . was a much better day for me. First day for a bit that I haven't felt this huge sense of heaviness inside. Maybe I was just over tired. I have promised Lis to try and get my whole 3 days off this week. I think I should be OK unless I get called out to do a prisoner transport. Gonna go out on the lake tomorrow and see if there is a fish that wants to be caught and do a bit of swimming.

I made my first attempt at making creme brulee today. I chose a recipe that was a low fat version so I am not quite sure what to expect. I decided if I don't like it I won't make it again and will try a different recipe next time. When we had it in Alaska and it was so delicious when I saw the recipe was basically heavy cream, sugar and egg yolks I knew why. I am not expecting my low fat version to match what we had there but I am hoping it will be something I can make again.

I made halibut for dinner tonite, the first of the halibut I have done since coming back from the trip. My gosh it was good. It didn't quite match up to the salmon I did last week but it was danged close. I have been able to share some of the fish with some friends and am always so happy when they like it so much. I can't wait to take some to Lis next month, she would eat fish every day if she could.

Depression

Man, it seems to have me in its grips and it is just not letting go. I am always tired, a little on edge, my whole body and soul just seem heavy, my voice is struggling.

I went on prozac about 4 1/2 years ago and did ok on it. I then went on a natural substance for depression and was mostly ok on it. It was so expensive though, I couldn't justify paying $90 a month for it when I can get a 3 month prescription of prozac for $20. I went back on the prozac about 4-5 months ago. At first it worked really well, I really did feel good, even woke up feeling good, which is rare for me. I don't know what has happened these last couple of weeks, it's like I am back where I was 6 years ago. Back then I remember waking up in the morning with a feeling of dread to the point where I would cry some mornings. I was usually ok after I got my exercise done, it seemed to lift the darkness. I do know how vital exercise is to my mental health. I often wish it wasn't so but it is just a fact of life for me. Some mornings when I work days, and the clock says 5:00 AM, my body so wants just another hour of sleep but I know, in the long run the exercise will benefit me, and everyone around me, more than the sleep will.

I think depression runs in my family on my dads side. My younger sister has a really hard time with it, much, much worse than I do. She has attempted suicide at least once that I know of, my grandfather on my fathers side commited suicide when I was 15. At the time it was so hard for me to understand why he would do that. Unfortunately, I understand it more now than I did then. At least one of my brothers has also been on an anti-depressant and maybe both of them.

I hate this, a person shouldn't have to take a pill just to be able to want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't like to consider it an illness but I guess maybe that is what it is. To me it feels like more of a defect, something I should be able to overcome by sheer willpower. I sometimes think I still haven't recovered from the Alaska trip. That trip really was physically exhausting. I have also probably been working too much, by the time I get a day off again I will have worked 12 of the last 13 days, all but one 10 hour shifts, 3 different shifts. I think the hardest part is changing shifts, I went from swings to graves to days in a matter of 4 days, I can't seem to catch up with myself.

The Boy Kitty

In my last post I made reference to the Boy Kitty. This is him, my Murphy. I always say he is just a little person trapped in a kitty body. He came to me at a very low point in my life and, almost literally, saved my life. I took him from a 2 cat household because he was beating up on the other cat and his humans needed to find him a new home. The first week or so I almost gave him back. He hid all day and wandered the house yowling at night. I am so glad I didn't give up on him, he is my best friend in the whole town. He has stayed beside me through more tear drops and sad lonely nights than I care to recall. He has such a personality and lives by the mantra "I don't get mad, I get even" and he rarely stops until he does. I think he has a secret life as a spy kitty for the CIA. He is often rushing around on some unseen secret mission only he recognizes. With these amazing credentials it is no wonder he is also over yard security for my home. He does perimeter checks several times a day. Just yesterday he was sneaking up on an enemy crow on the other side of the fence and was justifiably pleased when the crow flew away. It is his duty to check each new package or item that comes into the house, sometimes even being so dedicated as to crawl into a box to do it.

He is a helper kitty extraordinaire, as you can see by this pic of him *helping* me put a quilt together. He is always there for every project I do inspecting and giving advice. I'm not sure how I ever completed a task before I became his human.

What more could a girl ask for?

Some days . . .

. . . it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. I am working swing shift now so by the time I get home, get my reikki and meditation done and am settled for sleep it is usually midnight or after. This morning the boy kitty was insistent that I get out of bed. He dragged the pliers off the tool box onto the floor, got up and pawed everything on my dresser. I finally let him win and I got up around 7:00 feeling a bit grumpy. I thought I had time for a leisurely morning and then a nap before going into work at 2:00. My boss called at 9:00 and wanted to know if I could come in early because someone had called in sick, I agreed to come in at noon. Then started the race to get things done. I realized I didn't have time to make anything for dinner so I would take a salad with me, I opened the fridge and all I had was lettuce and celery. I made a quick run to the store on my motorcycle. At the store I was attacked by the artichokes so I have little holes in my fingers. I love green olives on my salad and had picked up a bottle. Just before getting home that particular bag fell off my motorcycle and the bottle of olives broke. I brought a container of watermelon to work with me to snack on - the lid came off and I had watermelon juice all over everything - what do I do to call this to myself?

I am really hoping that some of the local people that don't seem to have a life will find one, just for today. The ones who call to tell me that someone parked an ATV across the street and got off it and walked somewhere, or that some girl parked a white car on the street and then walked off. The guy that calls 911 because someone cut the seat on his motor scooter - 2 days ago. One of my favorites, the guy that called 911 because he had a tooth ache, turned out he had tried to drill his own tooth with his black & decker . . . In training we are taught to always answer the 911 line - "911 where is your emergency" always get the location first so you can get people headed that way. This isn't an unusual beginning to a 911 call:

Me: 911 where is your emergency
Caller: At my house
Me: Where is your house
Caller: In Sometown, USA
Me: Where in Sometown, USA
Caller: On the corner . . .

Please people, work with me . . .

Thinking Gay

I was reading a blog awhile back from a christian lesbian and this was
the topic. I am going to quote a bit of what she said "Gay thoughts
aren't always specific thoughts with feelings attached more than
they're just an awareness of being gay. Unsolicited mail arrives at a
lesbian household addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lesbian. A lesbian goes
to buy an Easter card for her wife of 6 years but only after scanning
each card to be sure there's no mention of being the luckiest man
alive. The lesbian couple out on their anniversary hesitate
momentarily to consider the elderly couple at the table next to them
before reaching across the table to hold hands. While out grocery
shopping one lesbian says to the other "Honey, would you grab another
carton of milk?" and a shopper near them glances up from her grocery
list with the familiar Are they? look on her face. Nondescript little
encounters in the middle of life that tap you on the shoulder to
say "Hey, you're gay." When I first came out I felt guilty for
thinking gay so much. I wondered if they were right when they accused
gay people of being obsessed with being gay. After all, I had seldom
thought about my sexuality all those years when I assumed I was
straight and now it was nothing but gay gay gay and I worried that my
life had gone out of balance."

She goes on to say that heterosexuals probably wouldn't really
understand this because they seldom think about their sexual
orientation. This really hit home with me so much that I left a
comment on her blog, something I seldom do. Here is what I said.

"I read this last night and can't stop thinking about it. I do this
too, I never really thought about it as thinking gay but I guess that
is really what it is. I think it makes me tired. Some mornings I wake
up and think, I just don't want to do this anymore, this isn't
something I should have to spend so much time and energy thinking
about. It should be something that just is, something that is just
me, something I shouldn't have to be aware of all the time, even on a
subliminal basis. I have more thoughts here but not sure quite how to
form them into words. It's almost like it is a handicap that needs constant attention in
order to be kept safe. It's not a handicap, it's me, it is a part of who I am, a small part but a
part none the less. If it is such a small part why does it take up so
much time, thought, and energy?"

Expectations

I have been thinking a lot about this topic recently. I seem to be a bit fearful of the expectations others might have of me. I think the biggest fear is that their expectations will be something I will not be able to meet.

Someone I was once very much in love with told me I should never have expectations in a relationship, it was OK to have hopes but never expectations. That was several years ago and I have never forgot it, and still don't know how to really think about it. I am not sure how to have a relationship without expectations. Then I go back and forth between expectations and needs. How closely are they related? Is there a difference? I guess to me a need would be something the relationship must have to survive, such as honesty, trust, loyalty, fidelity, communication. I think all of those things could also be considered expectations. I suppose there is a huge difference between expectations and unrealistic expectations. I believe the things I listed above are realistic expectations, as well as needs, while something such as . . . knowing where the other person is at all times would be an unrealistic expectation.

So, back to my opening paragraph. What is it about expectations that scares me so? I am honest, trustworthy, loyal, etc - at least I believe I am. Maybe its that my definition of a realistic expectation may be wildly different from someone elses definition. Or that I won't know what their expectations are, will not be able to meet them and therefore fail.

I am aware of my faults, at least some of them. I'm sure there are others who could point out many more - LOL. I don't consider myself an especially good communicator, I am not very verbal. I am sure part of that has to do with my voice disorder, sometimes it just isn't worth the effort to speak. However, I think I was that way even before the disorder. I don't feel like I have that many needs, not sure that would be considered a fault but I think it could be. Maybe it is just that I am not good at verbalizing them so I figure out a way to take care of them myself - do I, unfairly, expect others to be the same way? I don't let people in easily, and I sometimes hesitate to learn too much about others. The former is definitely a trust issue, I believe the latter is not that I don't care but a fear of caring too much. When I care for a person I will do all in my power to meet their needs and expectations. I hurt when they hurt, I think about them, I worry about them.

OK, I feel like I am starting to ramble here and have probably gotten away from the original intent of this post. I will continue to try to figure out why I fear expectations so much.