Depression

Man, it seems to have me in its grips and it is just not letting go. I am always tired, a little on edge, my whole body and soul just seem heavy, my voice is struggling.

I went on prozac about 4 1/2 years ago and did ok on it. I then went on a natural substance for depression and was mostly ok on it. It was so expensive though, I couldn't justify paying $90 a month for it when I can get a 3 month prescription of prozac for $20. I went back on the prozac about 4-5 months ago. At first it worked really well, I really did feel good, even woke up feeling good, which is rare for me. I don't know what has happened these last couple of weeks, it's like I am back where I was 6 years ago. Back then I remember waking up in the morning with a feeling of dread to the point where I would cry some mornings. I was usually ok after I got my exercise done, it seemed to lift the darkness. I do know how vital exercise is to my mental health. I often wish it wasn't so but it is just a fact of life for me. Some mornings when I work days, and the clock says 5:00 AM, my body so wants just another hour of sleep but I know, in the long run the exercise will benefit me, and everyone around me, more than the sleep will.

I think depression runs in my family on my dads side. My younger sister has a really hard time with it, much, much worse than I do. She has attempted suicide at least once that I know of, my grandfather on my fathers side commited suicide when I was 15. At the time it was so hard for me to understand why he would do that. Unfortunately, I understand it more now than I did then. At least one of my brothers has also been on an anti-depressant and maybe both of them.

I hate this, a person shouldn't have to take a pill just to be able to want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't like to consider it an illness but I guess maybe that is what it is. To me it feels like more of a defect, something I should be able to overcome by sheer willpower. I sometimes think I still haven't recovered from the Alaska trip. That trip really was physically exhausting. I have also probably been working too much, by the time I get a day off again I will have worked 12 of the last 13 days, all but one 10 hour shifts, 3 different shifts. I think the hardest part is changing shifts, I went from swings to graves to days in a matter of 4 days, I can't seem to catch up with myself.