Thinking Gay

I was reading a blog awhile back from a christian lesbian and this was
the topic. I am going to quote a bit of what she said "Gay thoughts
aren't always specific thoughts with feelings attached more than
they're just an awareness of being gay. Unsolicited mail arrives at a
lesbian household addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lesbian. A lesbian goes
to buy an Easter card for her wife of 6 years but only after scanning
each card to be sure there's no mention of being the luckiest man
alive. The lesbian couple out on their anniversary hesitate
momentarily to consider the elderly couple at the table next to them
before reaching across the table to hold hands. While out grocery
shopping one lesbian says to the other "Honey, would you grab another
carton of milk?" and a shopper near them glances up from her grocery
list with the familiar Are they? look on her face. Nondescript little
encounters in the middle of life that tap you on the shoulder to
say "Hey, you're gay." When I first came out I felt guilty for
thinking gay so much. I wondered if they were right when they accused
gay people of being obsessed with being gay. After all, I had seldom
thought about my sexuality all those years when I assumed I was
straight and now it was nothing but gay gay gay and I worried that my
life had gone out of balance."

She goes on to say that heterosexuals probably wouldn't really
understand this because they seldom think about their sexual
orientation. This really hit home with me so much that I left a
comment on her blog, something I seldom do. Here is what I said.

"I read this last night and can't stop thinking about it. I do this
too, I never really thought about it as thinking gay but I guess that
is really what it is. I think it makes me tired. Some mornings I wake
up and think, I just don't want to do this anymore, this isn't
something I should have to spend so much time and energy thinking
about. It should be something that just is, something that is just
me, something I shouldn't have to be aware of all the time, even on a
subliminal basis. I have more thoughts here but not sure quite how to
form them into words. It's almost like it is a handicap that needs constant attention in
order to be kept safe. It's not a handicap, it's me, it is a part of who I am, a small part but a
part none the less. If it is such a small part why does it take up so
much time, thought, and energy?"