Back to Botox

I finally went in for another botox shot for my voice. I swore I wasn't going to do that anymore but the struggle to talk and be understood just got to be too much. I didn't feel like I got very good results from my last shot and was probably a bit angry over all that has gone on the last couple of years. This shot seems to be working like it should. I am about 3 days into it and I have the low, soft 1-900 voice and I gotta say - it is so nice to be able to talk so effortlessly. I watch, and listen to, people talk all the time and am amazed at how easy it is for them and wonder if they really appreciate being able to do that. I wouldn't care if my voice stayed like this forever. I would never be able to scream at anyone ever again but I am sure there are worse things. I never was much of a screamer anyway. So often I think of things I would like to say, comments I would like to make, stories and experiences I would like to share but it is usually just too much effort so most of those things I just keep in my head. Most of the time I would love it if I could do all my communication by instant message. I have to be a bit more patient when my voice is this way. I normally have to work so hard to get the words out - after a shot I have to remember to just be content to speak softly and easily because the more effort I put into making the words come out the less sound I make. Here's to hoping this one lasts until at least December.

A Love Affair

I have to admit to having a very intense love affair - a love affair with hummus! If you have never tried this garbanzo bean based dip you are really missing out. When I was in CA Lis, Jamie and I went to a street fair and bought some at a vendor stand. When I came back here I could never find any that came even close to what we had there, or any that was even very edible, so I started doing some research. I looked at numerous recipes on the internet and did a combination of several of them along with a couple of my own ingredients and now I can't stop eating it. I also couldn't find any chips I liked with it so I made my own of those too.

OK, on to less significant things. I took a nice motorcycle ride yesterday. I made a loop from home, up around the area of the North Rim of the Grand Canyon and back again. I stopped in Kanab for an ice cream bar before making the last leg of the journey. I don't eat much ice cream but this tasted really good. It was a butterfinger ice cream bar. The area up there is beautiful - I love riding among the trees, the air smells so good. I took a camera and saw a couple of places I would have liked to stop and take a picture but I was trying to outrun a storm with some very loud thunder so I didn't dare stop. A motorcycle in a rain storm isn't fun for me.

I just got a new cell phone and I think I love it. It is the Verizon Blitz - you can see it here. (I hope I did that right - I've never done one of those before!

Agency

The book I am listening too, and things I have read lately, have lead me to think a lot about free agency and how important it is to us as human beings. I believe when choices are taken from us we feel angry and trapped, possibly even depressed and hopeless. There have been times in my life where I felt like I had no choice but to do what I was doing. Those were the darkest and most hopeless times of my life. It not only affected me, it also affected those I lived and worked with. I understand we have to have laws and, by nature, some of those laws must limit our choices. When our choice harms someone else, or limits their choices the concessions have to be made. Some choices have legal consequences, some have moral consequences but all choices have consequences. Just because I believe something is right, or wrong, does that give me the right to force that same belief on someone else, thereby taking their choice away?

I am trying so hard to make sense of this gay marriage debate that is ongoing. I am trying to understand the anger, the bitterness, the fear it is generating. The rifts it is causing in communities, churches and families. I still can't grasp it. I understand some people believe it is morally wrong. I have no problem with that. I, personally, don't believe it is morally wrong but I understand there are those who do. What I don't understand is what it is turning people into. Are people hateful and fearful by nature and this is just a convenient outlet for it? Man, I hope that is not true.

I will be glad when the election is over. Maybe churches will return to a safe place, a place where all can go to be uplifted and feel loved. Maybe people will stop campaigning against someone else's right to happiness and a legally protected family. Maybe people will stop thinking that giving a right to someone else somehow takes rights away from them. My fear though is that this has created a divide that will be hard to cross. And it all seems so unnecessary to me . . .

Shift Change

For over 2 months my shift at work hasn't jived with my church schedule so I haven't gone. We just had a shift change so this Sunday will be my first time to meetings in awhile. I am feeling oddly uneasy about going. Probably mostly because of the things I have read on the internet about things that have been read over the pulpit, and discussed in lessons, regarding proposition 8 in California. Things such as this fine LDS man wrote "Homosexuality is an abberation. They are queer and it is shameful they exist to pollute the decent people they come in contact with. Move them all to Panguitch or Kanab or give them bus tickets to San Francisco. Clean the streets and schools of these types and make it safe for normal kids to grow without exposure to human pollution. They and their parents should be ashamed of what they are. Get right or get out." I am not sure I can hold my tongue if I have to listen to stuff such as this. It also hurts my heart to think that my parents and brothers and sisters may have to listen to things like this when they are in church. I already know of once where my Mom and sister spoke up in RS to dispute the theory that all homosexuals are evil people. Doesn't seem like it should be this way.

To the Mountains

I was able to spend a couple of night camping and fishing in the boulder mountains with Mom and Dad. It was so nice to get away somewhere cool for a bit. There was even frost when we got up in the mornings. We caught lots of fish, even caught a few grayling. We also ate lots of good dutch oven cooking. Food always tastes better on a campout for some reason. I rescued the guy on the left from the water. I had chased these little beasties all day long trying to get one to land, or hold still, long enough for me to take a pic. Once I rescued him he was content to let me snap away to my hearts content. I left him on a piece of wood, did a little reikki over him and hope he made it into the air again. I posted more pictures of the trip over on my facebook page.

routine/structure

Routine....my mind needs it and my life requires it to function well. I think I never thought I would say that (out loud). It is a little bit hard for me to bounce back after the summer time. I slept when I wanted and didn't have to wake up early....but now, here I am back in school and back on a routine...and I always do so much better this way. I am so grateful Jay encourages me to keep a routine...she knows me so well.

Part of this routine is taking vitamins and meds. I was just put on more medication along with what I already take. I am thinking the combination is helping me to feel any better, but I'm not quite sure yet. I really wanted the doc to help me with the anxiety and not sleeping well. I am hoping my increase of exercise will help with the anxiety and sleep problem. Night time, or going to sleep is always hard for me. I get a tremendous amount of anxiety. I have to force myself to lie down...and then I lie there and make myself lay still...I feel like a little kid because I just wanna get up and keep playing. I sleep better during the day...go figure : /

Another part of my routine is exercise. Man, I hate doing it everyday, but I know it is so good for me. I had to talk myself into it, so I moved the Nordic track into my room in front of the tv, and.....I think it's working....but, sshhhh!!

I am still working on the eating better part....but, I will get there. I am working real hard to keep caffeine out of my diet. I've just got to move towards healthier snacks and adding more veggies and fruit into the mix....but, gotta do it one step at a time. I need all of these things to be apart of my life, not just something I try for awhile and stop doing.

Structure....hmmmm.....I know my baby girl thrives on it and I know I gotta have it, BUT, I swear it goes against my natural self...nails on a chalk board(side note here....I was always the naughty kid that did that nail thing, just to make the kids in school freak out). Anyways, its so much better when I am on a regular schedule when school is in and I have to go everyday and the kids go everyday. It helps me to be able to focus all this energy into something constructive and worthwhile. I do love school and work hard to do well. I am so grateful to have a partner who loves me enough to allow me to focus on my school work. She is so patient with me and listens to all me talk about how school is going and the things I struggle with.

This post is dedicated to my one and only. . . my angel

Then and Now

I was reading entries in a previous blog and came upon this one written in March

the darkness beckons
how i long to accept it's invitation
to let myself be wrapped in its arms of comfort
just for today, i want to let it be in charge, in control
just for today, i don't want to be the strong one
just for today, i want someone to take care of me
but i know the danger of giving in to just for today
it doesn't stop at just for today
it begins to feel comfortable
it begins to be easier to give in than to fight
before you are aware just for today has become weeks
hot tears stream silently down my cheeks
where do i turn for strength
where do i find the courage, the desire to continue the fight
there is only one place, there has ever only been one place
and that is me - it all begins and ends with me
and so - i will look inside of me
i will find what i need to find
i will continue to fight for me
just for today . . .

I remember the day I wrote it, how bleak and hopeless life seemed at that time. Life is better now. Not a bowl of cherries every day, that is for sure, but it is still better than it was that day. On days like today I gather strength, I hoard energy and good feelings, I try to keep a small reservoir of them hidden inside of me so when harder days appear I will have something to draw on. I take pictures of things that amuse or interest me so on the harder days I have something to remind me that, surely, better days will follow.

Today I feel positive about life and the future. I have no doubt there will be hard days to come, maybe even more days like the one I wrote about. Today I am better than just OK - I am good.