There has been a little feel of fall in the air the last few days. That is a bit unusual here where there isn't a great deal of change in the seasons. For some reason the change of seasons is hard for me, it seems to bring on a depression or sorts. Almost a feeling of nostalgia for something I can't quite put my finger on. I have been doing my best to outrun the depression with exercise and it works pretty well for the most part. The days I start out with some good hard exercise are definitely easier than those I don't.

Fall has long been my favorite season. When I was a kid fall meant the deer hunting season - one of the highlight of the year. All the uncles and cousins would come home for the hunt. When we were too young to hunt we would play deer hunt in the front yard with some of us being hunters and some of us being deer. Certain places were designated at "thicket" and if you were a deer and could make it to the thicket you were safe. I am not sure any of us even knew what a thicket was, only that we had heard our Dads talk about losing a deer when it run into the thicket.

When I was 16 I was able to carry a gun for the first time. I went out with my Dad on opening morning and waited oon a hillside in the cold for the sun to come up. I killed a 4 point buck that morning, one shot to the neck. the next year I went out with my Dad and saw a big ole buck coming up over the hill and I tried to show Dad where it was and he said "Shoot it!" I said "I can't shoot it you shoot it" he said "I can't see it" - it ran over the hill and someone else shot it. That was the last time I carried a gun. I often went out with the guys to hunt but I never carried a gun.

When I was married fall was a time to go out and get wood for the wood burning stove. When we lived at Hall's Crossing on Lake Powell we used to go up to the Bears Ears to get wood. We would always take a bag of fritos and a can of bean dip and a couple of sodas. I loved it up there. When we moved to Page we would go to Utah to get wood with Mom and Dad. Dad never goes to cut wood without a can of vienna sausages and some snack pack pudding. I have lots of good memories - I have had a good life.

It is 3:00 AM and I am 3/4 of the way through a 16 hour shift. It is getting a bit difficult to stay awake so I thought I would put words to some of the thoughts that have been tumbling around in my head for awhile.

I finally broke down and made an appointment to see a Dr here to get a botox shot. It has been 16 months since my last shot and I was getting really worn out struggling with my voice. The Dr here isn't nearly as gentle as my Dr in AZ was but I think he got the job done. I had the shot a couple of days ago and my voice feels really good. It is so nice to be able to just open my mouth and speak. I hope it lasts for a bit, it makes my job so much easier. I am thinking about having surgery to correct this but am still a bit hesitant. It involves the cutting and re-routing of nerves and while the success rate is quite high, if it isn't a success I could be left with no voice at all.

I believe a change has crept upon me so slowly I never saw it coming. For most of my life I have preferred to be alone. When I was a kid my mom used to say if she ever wanted to punish me instead of sending me to my room she would have to make me come out of my room. For many years I have preferred to do most things alone. As I write this my heart hurts a bit for those people who were around me because I realize that really wasn't fair to them - for me to live such a solitary life and shut them out. This last week Lisa has helped with Cub Scout Day Camp most of the week so I have had the mornings to myself. I took the dog for walks, and we went to the pier fishing one day. I realized I would much rather do those things with Lisa than do them by myself. It's not that I can't enjoy them if I am alone, it's just that they are more enjoyable if she is with me - so very strange, and a bit unsettling, for me.

It has long been a dream of mine to go to New York City during the Christmas season. A couple of months ago Lisa told me she had looked into airfare, hotels, etc and figured if we put by a certain amount of money each month in 2 years we would be able to go so we have been doing that. At the same time we decided a good way to get extra spending money for the trip would be to collect cans and bottles for recycling. In CA every time you buy a can of soda pop or a bottle of water $.05 is added onto the cost. We took our first bunch in last week and only got $26 - kind of disappointing be we decided to continue to collect anyway. It is kind of fun, almost like a treasure hunt of sorts. We carry a plastic bag with us every time we leave the house.

I appreciate my older brother so much. We text quite often. Whenever I hear about 3 texts come through in succession I know it is him texting. He is often just sharing some little part of his day with me. Sometimes I think he texts because he is lonely, sometimes he texts just to see how I am doing - whatever the reason it is always nice to hear from him and know he is thinking about me. He always lets me know he loves me and that always makes me feel good.

Fitting In

I sometimes wonder if I will ever fit in here at work. Most days I just do the job, try to stay away from the drama and don't notice it much but, once in awhile, something will happen that really brings it home. At those times I start to wonder, is it because of my voice? Is it because I am gay? I actually don't know how many people here are even aware of my sexual orientation. It isn't something I hide but it also not something I flaunt. I speak of Lisa freely but no one ever really asks any question. Maybe its a case of don't ask don't tell. I am not an outgoing person and I am sure that contributes to the feeling of isolation. Because of my voice, I hesitate to talk unless it is absolutely necessary. Sensing I was different as I was growing up I kept most people at a distance because it was safer that way. Experiences I had in college only reinforced that behavior. I guess when I take those two things into consideration it is no wonder I don't really feel like I fit in anywhere. I wish Lisa and I could meet another couple we had things in common with but I don't see that happening any time soon.

Mothers Day

I love my Mom. She holds such a special place in my heart I don't even have words to describe it. I wish I could be with her today. Just be in her presence, watch the funny little quirky things she does. Listen to the latest stories from Dad about "the other day your Ma . . ." or her stories about "did I tell you what your Dad did?" They were married when she was 16 and he was 20. They had their first child just 2 days before their first anniversary. By the time she was 29 she had 5 children and had suffered at least one miscarriage. I know she loves my Dad but I also know she sometimes regrets some of the things she missed out on by marrying so young. My nephew recently got married - It is highly questionable if it was a wise move. They hadn't known each other long, she said she was pregnant only to find out later she wasn't. When I talked to Mom and Dad about it all they said was that people probably thought their marriage would never last either and they have been married for 62 years and that they hoped they would be happy. Their home has always been open to all of us and whoever we brought with us. If ever any of my cousins happen to be in the area they always stop by to see "Aunt Dorothy and Uncle LaMar". One of my cousins has a little boy that is autistic, as soon as they get to Hatch he wants to know where "Uncle Jar" is. I keep a sweater at work that my Mom gave me. Everytime I put it on I can almost feel her arms around me. That sweater is one reason I don't mind sitting at the cold spot in dispatch.

I salute Mothers everywhere. I never had the desire to have kids and that has always made me feel a bit of an oddity and a lot guilty. For the culture I was raised in that is almost blasphemy. I think I can't love enough to be a mother. I am too selfish and expect too much. Janett always joked that she had her last 2 kids for me, because I refused to have any. I helped her with her kids off and on a lot and they are special to me but I know I couldn't have sacrificed for them like she has. I see how Lisa is with her kids and what a good mother she is and I don't think I could ever do that so maybe it's a good thing I married someone who couldn't give me kids.

Thoughts About Death

Last night our station lost a deputy to an off duty motorcycle accident. He was 27, his wife is 7 months pregnant with their first child. Last month I lost a long time friend due to complications from an automobile accident. Even though he was several decades older than the deputy his death was still unexpected and a shock to me. I have had a hard time wrapping my mind around these deaths. Today I kept thinking that Deputy Glover would never make another traffic stop, he will never help us out on the desk again, his wife will have no one to bring dinner to, he will never see another sunrise or kiss his unborn child. Kent Hirschi will never come to the house again for a visit and stay for an hour long nap, he and Bill will never again argue over the myriad of silly little things they always argued over. There are no "do overs" for these two men. No more time to make amends for past hurts or mistakes, no second chance to tell someone how much they loved them or how they influenced their life for good.

Sometimes I have a hard time with life and think this earthly life is way too long but when something like this happens I seem to see things through different eyes. The grass seems a bit greener, the sun a bit warmer. I want to reach out to those I love and tell them how, and why, they are important to me because . . .what if tomorrow is too late?

We are moved in to the new place but far from organized. It seems like there is so much to do. I can think it out in my mind but when I get time to do it it all seems too overwhelming. I had four days off on schedule change and I probably should've stayed home and got things sorted but instead I made a trip to UT and AZ to see family and friends. My parents are of an age where I feel like I need to take every opportunity I can to see them and I always enjoy being with them. While I was there all who live there met at my brothers house for a Navajo Taco dinner and homemade lemon ice cream. It is always good to get together. I also spent a day and a half in Page visiting. I spent some time at the police station, it is always nice to see those guys. I really miss them. I have a friend there who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer so I spent some time with her. I debated about going to see her because I would rather remember her as she was but I knew I needed to see her. She wouldn't say much about her diagnosis or treatment but she didn't look too well. She only weighs about 80 lbs. It is nice to be in a place where everyone greets you with a smile and a hug and says how nice it is to see you.

I tried to get an extra day off but couldn't swing it so I left at 5:00 AM so I could be into work by 3:00 PM. I got into a blizzard in AZ not far from the UT border. When I talked to Bill the next day he told me our friends were in the same storm and had run into the back end of a semi. Neither seemed to be hurt very badly but when the guy got out of the car he fell - he went to the hospital with a broken hip, broken elbow, and fractured back. When I talked to Bill on Sunday to see how he was doing he told me he had died that morning. Apparently his hip was broke in the crash and that is why he fell. He also had a fractured skull. His death affected me very deeply and I still don't know why. Maybe because it was so unexpected. It just seemd to bring death up close and personal for me.

Lisa and I joined Curves the first of the month. We decided to give it 6 months and see what the results are. Neither of us have a problem with the exercise - the circuit actually gives me a much better workout than I thought it would. We both struggle with the food plan a bit but we are doing our best to make healthier eating choices.

The last 3 nights at work the phones have rung non-stop all night. It really wears me out mentally. It is nice that the weather has been warm enough to ride my motorcycle to work. The trip home on a beautiful night is a good decompressor for me.

We have been extremely busy getting ready to move to our new house. The escrow company really wasn't on the ball and we ended up closing 5 days later than we had planned so we have been putting in some long hours trying to get it ready so we can be out of the rental house by the end of the month. So far I have - replaced a leaky strainer basket in the kitchen sink and fixed another leak under the same sink, changed both shower heads, replaced the gasket between the toilet tank and the toilet bowl, changed the deadbolt on the front door, and patched and sanded all the walls. Lisa and I have painted almost the whole house and she cleaned the carpets today. While doing this I have still been working 48 hours a week and Lisa has been keeping up with her online classes and getting ready for mid-terms. We are both pretty tired. I think I even took a tiny nap at the stoplight on the way to work today.

Once we got a better look at the place we realized there were no light fixtures in the ceilings of any of the rooms - that meant no ceiling fans. So, we hired a guy to remedy the situation (that was a bit beyond my limited maintenance skills) and I will go buy the fans tomorrw. I think we will be ready to start moving stuff by tomorrow afternoon. Lisa talked to the Elders Quorum Pres and he is going to have some men and trucks to help us move the heavy stuff on Saturday morning. I am really thankful the good people in this ward are still willing to help us.

I am liking my job even though it gets frustrating some times. Yesterday I think every big call I took the informants lied to me as to the circumstances surrounding the call. They tell me, not once but several times, someone pulled a gun on them. When the deputy gets there it turns out that all the guy really saw was a fanny pack. Stuff like that makes me crazy. I sometimes think if it wasn't for tattle tales I wouldn't have a job. One thing that makes this job easier here than when I was dispatching in AZ is the fact that I don't know any of these people that call in. When we have a suicide chances are less than one in several thousand that I would know the person. In Page I almost always knew them.

Anyway - life is busy but good.