Going Home

When I sat down to do that last entry this is what I intended to write on. Not sure how I got off on the topic of same sex marriage.

My days off fell just right so I could go home for the July 24 celebration. I love going home. I feel such peace there and am always able to relax, recharge and remember I am loved. I grew up in a small town in southern Utah. When I say small, I am talking 100 people. I always tell people I had an ideal childhood. Lots of outdoor activities, camping, cookouts, deer hunts, fishing. We also learned to work since we lived on a farm of sorts. Learned how to garden and take care of animals. One thing my mom would never allow us girls to do is learn to milk a cow. She said if we did then we would be left to milk the cows while the guys went fishing - that was good enough reason for me. Man - I have so many childhood memories I could write here but maybe I will save those for another post.

We went over on Tuesday, July 22. That night we went fishing with my parents, my younger brother and 2 of his kids. We caught a few fish, gave them all to a boy scout troop from SLC that wasn't having much luck catching anything. We also taught them to fish, showed them what kind of tackle they needed, explained how to use it, etc. We stopped on the way home and had a hamburger. It was just a really nice evening, very relaxing.

The next day we went out to cut a load of wood and got stuck in the mud - I mean we really got stuck in the mud. A couple of guys come by with their big 4 X 4 and were gonna pull us out. Dad tried to tell them he didn't think they should try but they were convinced it would be a snap. They got stuck too. We did manage to get them pushed out before they got stuck too badly. It too us 90 minutes using come alongs to get out. We did get a good load of wood though.

The next day was July 24 and started off at 6:00 AM with some kind of big cannon type booms. At 7:00 was a pancake breakfast put on by the fire department followed by a parade at 10:00, races and all kinds of games and a dunking machine for the kids and horseshoe tournaments for the adults. I played in both the singles and doubles horse shoes, it was lots of fun. I missed having Lisa there as my partner this year, we actually did pretty well last year - especially since we entered mostly because she told me how good she was . . . then I found out she had only played once or twice in her life - LOL. We beat the braggart team of guys and that was better than the championship. Anyway, back to this year. at 6:00 was the pitt BBQ dinner. Pitt BBQ'd beef and pork, dutch oven potatoes, rolls, salad, cobbler and homemade rootbeer - all for $5.00. After dinner a bunch of the older folks sat around with guitars, banjo, accordian, etc and played songs for a sing along. Later that night there were fireworks. It was a really enjoyable day - probably the kind of celebration you can only have in smalltown USA. I had to be back to work at 2:00 on friday afternoon so we just got up and went home.

There are no words to express how much I love my mom and dad and how grateful I am to them for making home a place we all want to return to. Even the grandkids like to come back and bring their kids to stay for a few days. I know they had different hopes for me and my life than how it has turned out and the choices I have made but - there is no doubt in my mind that I am loved and I don't know what better gift they could give me.

Same Sex Marriage

As you might expect, I was pleased with the decision of the California supreme court to allow same sex marriage in that state. It opens up some good possibilities for us in the future.

I don't know if it is still as big a deal in the CA papers as it is in the UT papers or not. I read the SL Tribune and, occasionally, the Deseret News online. At least once or twice a week there is an opinion in one, or both, papers on the topic. I always read the article and most of the comments, at least as many of them as I can stomach. I don't know which are worse, the supposed Christians or those who hate the supposed Christians. Some of the things the Christians write are so obnoxiously moronic in their reasoning and so hateful it makes me almost be ashamed to call myself a Christian. Interestingly enough, it seems the gay people are most sensible and down to earth about it all. In almost every article that comes out someone asks for just one legitimate reason to deny same sex marriage without bringing religion into it. I don't think anyone has done that. There is always the argument that homosexuals can't reproduce, and the countering argument that they can cause many of them have kids and if that is going to be a criteria for denying marriage then older people and those who don't want, or can't have, kids should also be banned from marrying. Then there is the asinine argument that if you legalize same sex marriage then people will want to marry their dog or a mother, or father, will want to marry their daughter. Some are very sensible and consistent in their responses. The same ones always quote the same scriptures. They quote Leviticus, seeming to dismiss the fact that Leviticus also bans the eating of shellfish, the wearing of blended clothing, encourages the stoning to death of a child who disobeys . . . it's all just craziness. Today someone quoted the scripture about God giving us weakness, etc, etc, etc and a commenter said maybe the test wasn't necessarily for the homosexuals but for the heterosexuals to learn tolerance and love. I thought that was an interesting observation.

It makes me very sad that my church, along with others, are encouraging their members to vote for a constitutional amendment in CA to ban same sex marriage. They say the ban is pro family but I don't really understand how it can be when it is voting to deny rights to so many families. A ban on same sex marriage won't decrease the number of same sex families - it will just make it harder for them to get the rights and protection they need, and deserve. To me, that is anti-family. It puts a lot of families of gay people in a very tough situation.

One blog I read on the subject, the writer was invited to a gay wedding and asked his readers what they thought, should he go or not. Almost everyone of the staunchest *Christians* told him there was no way he should go. If he went he would be sending the message that he approved of what they were doing. He needed to stay away so they would know that he, and God, disapproved of their actions. Again, it makes me shake my head and makes be very sad at the things people will do in the name of God.

this illness

I have been wanting to post for some time now, but didn't want to be a downer to our blog. But, perhaps it's time now.

I have been having a hard time lately. Not sure there is much to write. I just want to to feel better again, totally better. I was given ativan to help with my anxiety and it is causing problems with my mood and sleep, ect. I am trying to come off of it, but its been very hard. I have anxiety all the time now. I have started excercising regularly to offset the constant anxiety, but that only works for a couple of hours. I know things will get easier again, but all this craziness has stirred up my life and my relationships and has brought on some darkness...oh, the darkness. Dont like to talk about, feel it, acknowledge it. Just want it gone, so I can feel me again.

Sometimes I think my life is so hard and I think i just cannot take another step. But, sometimes I am so grateful for the many things it gives me.

I know the peace and stability will come back, just have to get through this hard stuff for now and try and learn something from it.

I will be grateful for the light again.

Days Off

Nothing like a relaxing day on the lake to recharge your batteries and rejuvenate your soul. The purpose for going on the lake was just to relax and swim. The fishing usually isn't too good this time of year but decided to give it a shot anyway.
It was one of the best fishing days in recent memory. That pic above is me with a pretty nice sized walleye. Crappie, small mouth bass and 1 striped bass were also among the days catch. The day was beautiful and the water was refreshing.

These days off are just what I needed. On Wednesday I really didn't do much of anything, mostly just rested. Thursday was the lake trip and I even ordered pizza when I got home so I didn't have to cook. Today I mowed the lawn, fixed a leaky faucet at the kitchen sink, took a nap, read a book, loaded audio books on my mp3 players and fixed the most delicious dinner. I am so pleased that I finally figured out how to cook london broil. I fixed some when Lis was here a couple of months ago and was almost embarrassed it was so bad. What I fixed tonite was excellent. I grilled some onions and anaheim peppers to go with it and fixed some fresh squash. AND - I really don't know why I am writing all of this - no one reads this blog but me and Lis and we both know all this stuff! LOL, oh well . . .

I am off to a softball game tonite. Hope I can stop more balls with my mitt this game than I do my legs, the mitt doesn't seem to bruise near as easily :/

Today . . .

. . . was a much better day for me. First day for a bit that I haven't felt this huge sense of heaviness inside. Maybe I was just over tired. I have promised Lis to try and get my whole 3 days off this week. I think I should be OK unless I get called out to do a prisoner transport. Gonna go out on the lake tomorrow and see if there is a fish that wants to be caught and do a bit of swimming.

I made my first attempt at making creme brulee today. I chose a recipe that was a low fat version so I am not quite sure what to expect. I decided if I don't like it I won't make it again and will try a different recipe next time. When we had it in Alaska and it was so delicious when I saw the recipe was basically heavy cream, sugar and egg yolks I knew why. I am not expecting my low fat version to match what we had there but I am hoping it will be something I can make again.

I made halibut for dinner tonite, the first of the halibut I have done since coming back from the trip. My gosh it was good. It didn't quite match up to the salmon I did last week but it was danged close. I have been able to share some of the fish with some friends and am always so happy when they like it so much. I can't wait to take some to Lis next month, she would eat fish every day if she could.

Depression

Man, it seems to have me in its grips and it is just not letting go. I am always tired, a little on edge, my whole body and soul just seem heavy, my voice is struggling.

I went on prozac about 4 1/2 years ago and did ok on it. I then went on a natural substance for depression and was mostly ok on it. It was so expensive though, I couldn't justify paying $90 a month for it when I can get a 3 month prescription of prozac for $20. I went back on the prozac about 4-5 months ago. At first it worked really well, I really did feel good, even woke up feeling good, which is rare for me. I don't know what has happened these last couple of weeks, it's like I am back where I was 6 years ago. Back then I remember waking up in the morning with a feeling of dread to the point where I would cry some mornings. I was usually ok after I got my exercise done, it seemed to lift the darkness. I do know how vital exercise is to my mental health. I often wish it wasn't so but it is just a fact of life for me. Some mornings when I work days, and the clock says 5:00 AM, my body so wants just another hour of sleep but I know, in the long run the exercise will benefit me, and everyone around me, more than the sleep will.

I think depression runs in my family on my dads side. My younger sister has a really hard time with it, much, much worse than I do. She has attempted suicide at least once that I know of, my grandfather on my fathers side commited suicide when I was 15. At the time it was so hard for me to understand why he would do that. Unfortunately, I understand it more now than I did then. At least one of my brothers has also been on an anti-depressant and maybe both of them.

I hate this, a person shouldn't have to take a pill just to be able to want to get out of bed in the morning. I don't like to consider it an illness but I guess maybe that is what it is. To me it feels like more of a defect, something I should be able to overcome by sheer willpower. I sometimes think I still haven't recovered from the Alaska trip. That trip really was physically exhausting. I have also probably been working too much, by the time I get a day off again I will have worked 12 of the last 13 days, all but one 10 hour shifts, 3 different shifts. I think the hardest part is changing shifts, I went from swings to graves to days in a matter of 4 days, I can't seem to catch up with myself.

The Boy Kitty

In my last post I made reference to the Boy Kitty. This is him, my Murphy. I always say he is just a little person trapped in a kitty body. He came to me at a very low point in my life and, almost literally, saved my life. I took him from a 2 cat household because he was beating up on the other cat and his humans needed to find him a new home. The first week or so I almost gave him back. He hid all day and wandered the house yowling at night. I am so glad I didn't give up on him, he is my best friend in the whole town. He has stayed beside me through more tear drops and sad lonely nights than I care to recall. He has such a personality and lives by the mantra "I don't get mad, I get even" and he rarely stops until he does. I think he has a secret life as a spy kitty for the CIA. He is often rushing around on some unseen secret mission only he recognizes. With these amazing credentials it is no wonder he is also over yard security for my home. He does perimeter checks several times a day. Just yesterday he was sneaking up on an enemy crow on the other side of the fence and was justifiably pleased when the crow flew away. It is his duty to check each new package or item that comes into the house, sometimes even being so dedicated as to crawl into a box to do it.

He is a helper kitty extraordinaire, as you can see by this pic of him *helping* me put a quilt together. He is always there for every project I do inspecting and giving advice. I'm not sure how I ever completed a task before I became his human.

What more could a girl ask for?

Some days . . .

. . . it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. I am working swing shift now so by the time I get home, get my reikki and meditation done and am settled for sleep it is usually midnight or after. This morning the boy kitty was insistent that I get out of bed. He dragged the pliers off the tool box onto the floor, got up and pawed everything on my dresser. I finally let him win and I got up around 7:00 feeling a bit grumpy. I thought I had time for a leisurely morning and then a nap before going into work at 2:00. My boss called at 9:00 and wanted to know if I could come in early because someone had called in sick, I agreed to come in at noon. Then started the race to get things done. I realized I didn't have time to make anything for dinner so I would take a salad with me, I opened the fridge and all I had was lettuce and celery. I made a quick run to the store on my motorcycle. At the store I was attacked by the artichokes so I have little holes in my fingers. I love green olives on my salad and had picked up a bottle. Just before getting home that particular bag fell off my motorcycle and the bottle of olives broke. I brought a container of watermelon to work with me to snack on - the lid came off and I had watermelon juice all over everything - what do I do to call this to myself?

I am really hoping that some of the local people that don't seem to have a life will find one, just for today. The ones who call to tell me that someone parked an ATV across the street and got off it and walked somewhere, or that some girl parked a white car on the street and then walked off. The guy that calls 911 because someone cut the seat on his motor scooter - 2 days ago. One of my favorites, the guy that called 911 because he had a tooth ache, turned out he had tried to drill his own tooth with his black & decker . . . In training we are taught to always answer the 911 line - "911 where is your emergency" always get the location first so you can get people headed that way. This isn't an unusual beginning to a 911 call:

Me: 911 where is your emergency
Caller: At my house
Me: Where is your house
Caller: In Sometown, USA
Me: Where in Sometown, USA
Caller: On the corner . . .

Please people, work with me . . .

Thinking Gay

I was reading a blog awhile back from a christian lesbian and this was
the topic. I am going to quote a bit of what she said "Gay thoughts
aren't always specific thoughts with feelings attached more than
they're just an awareness of being gay. Unsolicited mail arrives at a
lesbian household addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Lesbian. A lesbian goes
to buy an Easter card for her wife of 6 years but only after scanning
each card to be sure there's no mention of being the luckiest man
alive. The lesbian couple out on their anniversary hesitate
momentarily to consider the elderly couple at the table next to them
before reaching across the table to hold hands. While out grocery
shopping one lesbian says to the other "Honey, would you grab another
carton of milk?" and a shopper near them glances up from her grocery
list with the familiar Are they? look on her face. Nondescript little
encounters in the middle of life that tap you on the shoulder to
say "Hey, you're gay." When I first came out I felt guilty for
thinking gay so much. I wondered if they were right when they accused
gay people of being obsessed with being gay. After all, I had seldom
thought about my sexuality all those years when I assumed I was
straight and now it was nothing but gay gay gay and I worried that my
life had gone out of balance."

She goes on to say that heterosexuals probably wouldn't really
understand this because they seldom think about their sexual
orientation. This really hit home with me so much that I left a
comment on her blog, something I seldom do. Here is what I said.

"I read this last night and can't stop thinking about it. I do this
too, I never really thought about it as thinking gay but I guess that
is really what it is. I think it makes me tired. Some mornings I wake
up and think, I just don't want to do this anymore, this isn't
something I should have to spend so much time and energy thinking
about. It should be something that just is, something that is just
me, something I shouldn't have to be aware of all the time, even on a
subliminal basis. I have more thoughts here but not sure quite how to
form them into words. It's almost like it is a handicap that needs constant attention in
order to be kept safe. It's not a handicap, it's me, it is a part of who I am, a small part but a
part none the less. If it is such a small part why does it take up so
much time, thought, and energy?"