I often things about things I want to write here but they never seem to make it from my thoughts to the written word. It seems like when I sit down to write all of the thoughts just fly out of my head.

It has been a rough 6 months around here. Some of Lisa's meds weren't playing nice with each other and there was some pretty big adjustments to be made. I will let her post more on details if she chooses - I think it wore us both out and now we are in the process of getting back on track.

I still have some fluctuation with my voice. I have to work harder to talk than I would like to but it is easier to get out understandable sound than it was before the surgery. I could probably benefit from a few sessions of speech therapy but, for now, am finding little things I need to do on my own to make it easier. It is really nice to be able to walk into a bank or order from a drive thru and be understood.

We went to the mall on Saturday to do a bit of shopping and maybe find some shoes. We went into Footlocker and had each found a fair of shoes we were interested in. About that time one of the workers walked by and made a comment to her co-workers about "homosexuals" and then found the need to repeat it. I couldn't even tell you what she said because she emphasized that one word so heavily. We looked at each other and decided we probably didn't need to buy shoes from there. I was actually a bit stunned because that has never happened to me before. I have had people look at me and I knew they knew I was a lesbian but never a situation where someone was so blatantly rude about it. I contemplated going back to the store, asking for the manager, and telling him/her they had just lost 2 sales and why. Still not sure if that is something I should have done. One thing I am sure of is that I will never buy another pair of shoes at Footlocker!

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Kitty Cats

Popcorn

Sunshine on my face

The song of a meadow lark

The sound of rain

Motorcycle ride on a warm summer night with a full moon

A bubble bath

Lightening and thunder storms

Silence

A good book

About God(s?)

In many of the fantasy books I read there is more than one God, sometimes the Gods even work together, or consults with one another, when ruling their worlds. I started to think about this and wonder how it fits in with LDS doctrine. A saying often used in the church comes to mind, "As Man is, God once was - as God is, man may become." The belief is also that God is never ending. So - If God was once a man, He must have had a God. What happened to that God? Is He still ruling a world somewhere? If we are to become Gods (or Goddesses) our present God will still exist . . .right? How does this fit in with the belief that there is only one God? Does it mean one God for this world, or universe only? Is space, which is endless i suppose, filled with other worlds, universes, Gods? If not how will we, in turn, become Gods? If we do become Gods, will be still be accountable to our God?

Into the Wild

This is the title of the book I am reading. Below is a short synopsis of the story.

In April 1992 a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. Four months later, his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter. How McCandless came to die is the unforgettable story of Into the Wild.

The author traces the last year or so of Chris McCandless' life, and other *treks* he had taken, through interviews with people who met him and his own journals. He also tells stories of other people who have undertaken similar journeys.

In some ways I feel a jealousy of these people who were willing, or able, to just head out into the wilderness with only what they can carry on their back and to experience life in it's most basic form. I long to see places few people have seen, go places that will challenge me both physically and emotionally. No one to answer to, no schedules to keep, free to go where you want and when you want. I know in reality I need a place to call home, I need stability, security, I need to know I am going to be able to pay next months bills. So - where does this longing come from? Is it my alter ego? I have hardly made conventional choices in my life so it really can't be rebellion against the conventional. Maybe just longing for a younger body and to still have those options over to me.

I was having a fairly decent day today. I kept busy all morning, did the Mobia - my best stats ever, did my resistance bands. Roasted a chicken and made brown rice for dinner so Lisa wouldn't have to fix dinner before she went to class tonite, cleaned up the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, took care of all of the animals needs, read a bit in my book, found the information Lisa needed to install Microsoft office on her computer. I felt good when I came in to work, upbeat, listening to tunes and inputting information into the computer. One of the other women in the office walked up and said "Is your voice ever going to get any better?" Kind of took me by surprise. I told her it was getting stronger, she said "And you are supposed to go back on the phones on Sunday?" I told her that was the plan if some of the deputies went off light duty. I told her I could feel an improvement in my voice. She said "Well, I don't see any." Now I feel tired, worn out, uncertain and wish it was time to go home and crawl into bed.

The New Year has started off cold here. I am ready for the warm weather again. I am not sure it seems so much colder her at 40 than it does in Hatch when it is below zero. We spent Thanksgiving in Hatch with my family and it was -24 the first morning we were there. We had a really good trip. We ate lots of good food, did a bit of shooting - I had never shot skeet before so was pleasantly surprised when I was able to bring a few down. The day after Thanksgiving we went out to cut Christmas trees. There was quite a bit of snow but it was a fun trip. The day before we were going to leave my sis in law said my brother was looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I offered to buy his from him, he offered to give it to me and I agreed that was a price I could afford so we came home with a 42" flat screen TV. It is much nicer than the 19" traditional TV we have been using the last 2 years.

My voice is finally starting to get some volume back. I may still have to look into speech therapy but I have been pretty happy with it the last week or so. I was supposed to go back on the desk this week but there was an over abundance of deputies on light duty so I agreed to stay in records. At first the work there was mind numbingly boring but I have got so I don't mind doing it - maybe because I know it won't be forever. I just do my work and no one bothers me.

I have had a bit of trouble with depression since coming back from Thanksgiving. Part of it could be the menopause thing, I'm really not sure. Nothing I can't really deal with, just a bit more than I want to deal with. I am having a hard time getting motivated or finding much energy. One thing I have stayed faithful to is my exercise. One of my strategies for dealing with depression has always been to try and out run it. We bought a Nautilus Mobia and I get a really good workout on it. I have set some goals so I really push myself to reach, or exceed, them each time I work out. On the days I feel like I just can't do it I do it anyway and give myself a break with a lighter workout. I can read from my Sony Reader while I am on there so it helps the time go by fast. I have also started using my resistance bands and ab wheel again. I have been reading up on menopause and decided I needed to add some weights to my routine. Also, my older brother has had some real health problems this year and it has made me a bit more determined to take care of myself a bit better. I have done good keeping off the weight I lost while doing the HCG.

Follow Up Appt

I had my first follow up appointment today. The Dr said things look well but I need to start taking the nexium. He said he saw some red in my throat - that might account for the slight sore throat I always seem to have. I had stopped taking it after about 4 days because I thought it was making it so I couldn't sleep at night. Now I'm not sure it was the nexium because I am still not sleeping well. I know part of it has to do with increased hot flashes - those things are miserable.

I went into the station today to see about going back to work. I have enjoyed being home so much these last 3 weeks. I love being able to cook dinner and be here with everyone at night. I am tempted to take another month off but I don't want to burn all of my leave time so I will go back to work on Monday.

When I was out and about today I realized that it is a bit overwhelming and intimidating for me to be in open spaces. When I am home I am comfortable talking to Lisa and the kids because I can go right up to them so I don't have to try and talk louder than I can. When I was at the station this morning, and at the beach later in the day, I realized how hard it is for me to talk out in open spaces with noise distractions. I have to remember to just talk at a level that is comfortable and if I have to get closer to someone so they can hear me then I will just have to go closer. I think I am going to be way frustrated with this before it gets better. The last thing I want to do now is acquire a bunch of bad speaking habits by trying to talk louder than I can.