It's hard to believe July is almost over. Seems like time goes by way fast anymore.

We have had a pretty enjoyable summer. Lots of trips to the beach. We usually take a foil dinner with us and cook it on the grill before we come home. We have a small portable grill that is just right for 4 foil dinners. We took the kids to Hatch for the July 4 weekend. They didn't want to go very badly but had a good time once we got there. Cameron and Jaden were there and they all played all day every day. We went on lots of walks, spent time playing at the park. We went up one day and looked for fossil snails and took a lunch with us. We went fishing one night and cooked hot dogs. Both of the kids caught a fish. I decided it was a waste to buy a license for me and Lisa since neither of us got to fish. Everyone was really good to us. We did all of the activities on July 4, breakfast in the park, kids races and games, potluck dinner that night and then fireworks. The one mistake we made was to come back on July 5. The traffic out of Vegas was horrible. It took us about 3 hours longer to get home than it should have.

Lisa and I went back this last weekend for the July 24 celebration. I enjoyed it immensely. We teamed up for the horse shoe tournament. We did pretty good before we got beat out. I just enjoy being with my family and it was nice for me to be there with just Lisa.

In June we went to Las Vegas to my nephews wedding. All of my brothers and sisters were there except for Lewis and he couldn't get off of work. It was nice to see Laraine, I don't get to see her often enough. We took Jamie and Jared with us. I think it is the first time either of them have been out of the state and definitely the longest trip they had been on. It was just an overnight thing but it was a chance to spend time with family.

I think I will probably go to work next month. I have my medical exam on August 6. I signed the conditional job offer a couple of weeks ago. I finally got tired of waiting and started making phone calls. I guess my file was just sitting on someones desk - anyway, I got the ball rolling again. It is time for me to go back to work.

Experiences

I have been thinking about the experiences I have been blessed with in my lifetime. Some seemingly small and insignificant yet they still stay with me. Others larger and life changing. Some I like to take out and look at again, remember them, the smells, the sounds, the feelings. Others I would like to erase from the tapestry that is my life.

This last week I did some catering at Universal Studios. We worked on Stage 28. It is where the original Phantom of the Opera was filmed back in the 1920's and has been declared an historical landmark by the State of California. While this is probably an insignificant event it is one I will likely remember for a very long time. I enjoyed the work but was also really captivated by the place and it's history. It is supposedly the oldest stage in the world. I worked with some nice people and made a bit of money too.

When I think about some of the experiences I would like to erase, if I look closer, I see the threads that are attached to those experiences and wonder if those threads would have been woven into my life in a different way if i had not had that particular experience. Some of my best friends have been made from going through a negative experience.

I remember things from my childhood - I am sure my love of reading began when my mother used to read me a story before naptime every day. I didn't want to go to kindergarten because I knew I wouldn't get my naptime story.

Even some things that are looked at negatively at the time can have a positive effect later. I remember hating to weed the garden, now I love to garden. I remember wondering why Mom got so upset when the dogs would lay in her flower beds. Now that I have my own flower beds I love to tend I understand her frustration.

I think of my experience of working for the Page Police Department and, although it ended badly, having Charlene come into my life for those 5 years was definitely worth it. Going to work there was something I *knew* was right from the moment I was offered the job. I haven't had many moments like that in my life so when I do have one it tends to stick with me.

My voice disorder is one experience I wish I never had to experience. I keep looking for something good that has come from it but its pretty tough to find anything. Maybe that it has made me a better listener, made me really think before I speak. There has to be a reason for it, maybe when I find the reason I will be able to come out on the positive side of the experience.

I am going through a bicycling phase. I have ridden into Santa Paula twice in the last couple of weeks. It is close to a 20 mile round trip, maybe a bit less. The first time I went I really wasn't intending to go all the way. I thought I would just get on the road and see how far I could get and I got there. My 7 mile bike route isn't nearly as challenging as it was when I first started it. I am getting better at using my gears to be able to maintain a steady pedaling speed regardless of terrain. We try to get out with the kids at least once a week and all go for a bike ride. We should do it more often, we all really enjoy it. Lisa and I have set a goal of being able to enter a 5K race. We have only *trained* one day for it because she hasn't been feeling well this last week but we'll get there.

I think I am adjusting to having the kids here all the time. I still have aggravating days but I am getting better at letting things go, letting Jamie stomp around the house muttering to herself, trying to do a little less eye rolling when Jared cries over everything from not doing well on a computer game to the way Murphy meows at him. When I wake Jamie up in the morning and she give me that toothy grin, or I hear Jared singing in his room as he gets ready for school it really does give a bright start to my day.

A situation came up with someone Lisa considered a very good friend that has probably made me more sad than upset. This woman watches Jared after school several days a week and has even kept the kids so we could have an hour or two to ourselves. When Lisa mentioned having Jared invite her boy out to spend the night she told her she wouldn't allow that because of our relationship. One of my first thoughts was that I didn't even want her watching Jared anymore, I don't want him around someone who views his family as something wrong and bad, even though Jared seems to have a pretty level head about our relationship he still doesn't need to feel that from others. It made me a little angry to realize that this woman would be totally fine with her boy staying overnight with Jared if Brad and Lisa were still together, even though the household was totally dysfunctional and unhealthy and there was abuse going on on more than one level. It's a man and a woman together and that is how it should be. It makes me sad for Lisa too because I know she really trusted this person.

We have been going to church every week since we have the kids here. People have been really nice to us and I have actually enjoyed it on occasion. Jamie is having a really hard time and some Sundays cries a lot before we leave. She really misses her friends from the other ward. Jared seems to be doing OK with it all, he is even getting involved in Cub Scouts. We are going to go talk to the Bishop about our situation within the next couple of weeks. I really don't care how people are towards us, and I'm not concerned about any action he may take against us, I just want people to be good to the kids and let them be involved in things.

We have had an unexpected benefit from Brads recent health problems. Once his mother got into his finances we have received over $2000 in child support we never thought we would see. It still amazes me as to how all of this has worked out for us. Things have just been there, and happened, when we needed them. I really do feel very blessed and fortunate. I feel more content and at peace than I have for a very long time.

I've been here almost 4 months. Sometimes my other life seems so far away. It is starting to get hot and I am running out of projects. Today I thought I should start putting a quilt together again but I really don't have any place here I can do it and I can't feel comfortable spending money on batting and backing right now. I am beginning to get bored and am realizing I should have gotten a job somewhere, doing something, until my clearance was done. It would have occupied my time and also given us income. We work a catering gig once in awhile but not really enough to make much money.

Brad (Lisa's ex) has been in the hospital more than he has been out the last few weeks. Yesterday he had his left leg amputated below the knee due to complications from diabetes. We have had Jamie and Jared for . . . a long time now, I don't even know how long. It has been a challenge for me - I never really wanted kids and while I knew kids were involved in this deal I didn't realize it would be full time. There is so much about parenting I don't understand. I was totally unprepared for a life that is centered completely around children. I'm not sure if that makes me selfish, or just unaware. I suppose this is how it is in most families, I really don't know. I am trying to get better at it but I don't think it something I will ever excel at.

I took the polygraph last week - I am so glad to get that done. The examiner passed me and now it has to go through quality control for final approval. He said the only thing he could see was that my breathing was very measured. I know it is, I do that so I can maximize what voice I have. Not sure what the next step is. I know the people I put down as references have been getting a questionaire on me.

Today as I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about this whole situation and how strange it has been for me. There are times I get nervous about the job, hoping all goes well, hoping I can do it, hoping my voice will cooperate. Underneath it all there is just this feeling that all is going to be OK. It is very hard for me to trust it and I don't understand it at all.

I have changed my prayers from a few minutes on my knees to spending more time in a sort of meditation thinking of the things I am grateful for, saying the things I need assistance with, thinking of others who need help and then just spending some quiet time listening, not thinking of anything in particular. I have often drifted off to sleep by the end of it but I like doing it that way, In a way I feel it is more sincere than what I used to do.

We went to the beach yesterday and were looking in the tide pools. I saw this little multi-legged creature swimming around and, for just a moment, I wondered why I couldn't have been born as one of those. Not much thought process or brain power and probably a very short life span. Then I thought of how we consider being a human the ultimate form of life and if it really is

Twice today I have gone outside and got the scent of burning leaves on the air. The smell takes me back to spring time of my childhood when Mom would start to clean the yard and get ready for spring planting. I loved helping her rake and burn weeds - well, mostly I liked the burning part. My Mom is nearing 80 now and she still loves her flowers and her garden. We always say her greenhouse is her 7th child. Both of my grandmothers also loved flowers and gardening. I guess I come by my love of it naturally. Grandma Barneys hollyhocks always grew the best caterpillars. I loved to go collect them, put them in a jar and take care of them until they spun cocoons and turned into butterflies. She also grew gooseberries - every year we would have to go down and taste them and every year they were so sour they took all the moisture from your mouth.

I also heard a rooster crow when I went outside today - more memories of home. We always raised chickens both to eat and for the eggs. Seems like we always had an ornery rooster in the flock. I probably still have a scar on at least one shin from being spurred more than once by a rooster. I loved when we would get baby chickens in the spring. They would come in the mail. A couple of boxes of peeping yellow fluff. Dad had a pen built for them and he hung light bulbs in it to keep them warm during the night. It was also fun when we had a hen that wanted to sit. When we went to feed the chickens and collect the eggs if there was a hen that wouldn't come off the nest we would tell Dad and he would put her in a special nest and collect several eggs to put under her. It was fun to see them hatch. I also remember seeing lambs being born, Dad having to go out in the cold of night to help Grandpa pull a calf, teaching a calf to drink from a bucket, feeding dogie lambs with a bottle . . .So many good times.

Life goes on here. Not much new or exciting, just life. I guess that is how it is supposed to be. The weather is starting to be warm on a more consistent basis. I have lots of pretty flowers growing and a few vegetables. I really do enjoy working in the yard.

I haven't heard much on my background check. I am going to call them this week and see what the status is. I faxed one document to them twice because they said they didn't get it the first time. I didn't hear back so I think they must have got the second one but I don't know for sure.

I got my botox shot but it is always a bit difficult to tell how effective it is going to be for a few weeks. There are many times when I regret ever having the surgery done but I guess that is really useless regret. I went to Page after the shot, spent the night there. Bill was in CA so I was there by myself. He had left a list of things he needed me to do or check out. I also picked up some things I didn't get when I left. I had breakfast with Charlene and Sheila the next morning. It was really nice to see them. I didn't think Charlene was ever going to quit hugging me. After breakfast I went to Hatch to help Janett out for a few days after her shoulder surgery. I stayed at her house all but the last night. I really enjoyed being there with her. Susan and the baby were also there. I spent time with Mom and Dad each day and one night they took us all out to dinner for our birthdays. When I left Dad hugged me and told me to be careful and that he missed me and was sorry he couldn't do more for me in my life. I told him he had loved me and that was all I needed. He had tears in his eyes. I had said goodbye to Mom the night before because I knew she wouldn't be up when I left. When I packed my little cooler for the road she had put a sweet roll in it along with a note that said "Give Lisa a hug for us." I am so blessed to have such good parents.