We have been attending the Unitarian Universalist Chuch.  Every Sunday when the kids go out to go to their class we create a Bridge of Love for them to walk under and sing these words.

How could anyone ever tell you, you are anything less than beautiful?

How could anyone ever tell you, you were less than whole?

How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle?

How deeply you're connected to my soul.

The song touched me the first Sunday we attended.  This last Sunday as I was thinking about the words I realized this is something we should be singing to everyone from cradle to grave.

It has been very different for me to attend a Church where there are no prayers, no sacrament, none of the rituals I am used to.  There are rituals but they are non-denominational rituals.  The main focus seems to be on how we are all connected to each other - the word they use is "inter-dependent".  It has made me think about the purpose of organized religion.  Does every religion really have a different purpose?  I understand they all have a different belief system with some elements being shared among many religions - but isn't, or shouldn't, the main purpose to be to care for one another, to form a community of support and love?

I think I will always be a Mormon at heart but I am giving myself permission to try and fit into this new community that seems so welcoming and non-judgmental.

I love my life here and where we live. I love being so close to the beach, how the air is almost always cool in the mornings. I love all the fruit trees and seeing all of the fields go through their growth and harvest cycles. I love how many hawks there are out here. I love being able to sleep with the windows open for most of the year and, of course, I love my family and the things we do together.

Some things I miss about where I used to live are - being close to Mom, Dad and other family, a distinct change in seasons, cutting wood, fishing trips on the lake and to the mountains, my old job and the people I worked with, mostly Charlene. Sometimes I miss the desert heat, being able to ride my motorcycle at night without having to bundle up, the sunrises and sunsets. I miss my yard, sometimes I miss Bill.

There are things to love no matter where I am - it is up to me to search those things out.

I am going back to work after having 18 days off. I think this is the first time I have really noticed the stress my job causes for my mind and body. I notice it some at work, especially if it is an extra busy shift, but I notice it more in my off work hours. My mind has always craved peace and quiet and those two things are in pretty short supply during an 8 hour shift in a police dispatch center - especially this one where our space is so limited. We rotate so many light duty deputies in and out making it hard to have a consistent staff. I find myself doing my own thing while keeping an ear out for what the deputies handling because most of them really aren't trained for the desk. I sit next to the watch deputy all most all the time now so I keep my third ear on the radio :/. I find myself just wanting to veg out during my off work hours so I guess it is time to going back to making lists in my mind of things I need to do each day.

We had a really great vacation. We went to Utah for the July 24 holiday and spent time with my family. I can't even say how much I enjoy that. I love to see Jamie and Jared playing outside with other kids until dark instead of watching TV or playing on the computer. It is nice to be able to just let them go and know they are OK, if they aren't at Mom's then they are with kids at Janett's or Lew's. I think it is nice for them to have the freedom too. For some reason I feel some kind of protection from the outside world when I am at Mom and Dads house, not sure how else to explain what I feel when I am there.

When we got back from Utah we took a camping trip to Kings Canyon/Sequoia Nat'l parks. What a beautiful place that is. I loved the trees, the river, the cool air, the campfire. It was a very nice trip. I think we all enjoyed it - well, Jamie was kinda grumpy but the rest of us had a good time.

The process of aging has been on my mind a lot lately. I see my hair getting more gray, my skin losing some of it's elasticity, age spots sneaking up on my skin, I notice how it takes my body longer to heal from an injury. In my mind I don't feel 54 - I want to run and play like I did 40 years ago. When I was at home the great nieces and nephews wanted to play annie annie over so I played with them. I sprained my thumb, twisted my ankle, pulled my hamstring and wet my pants every time I ran around the house - but I loved it and every night they would ask me to play with them again. I started out as the only adult playing, before I left my sis, bro and sis-in law were also playing. I know for a fact that we have played that same game over that same house for at least 50 years - good times and good memories.

Life and addiction

I realize it's been forever since I posted. My goal is to post more--let's hope I can do it!

I want to tell about a journey I have taken this past 9 months. As I have said before I struggle with a mental illness (Bipolar Disorder or Manic Depressive Disorder) and I take medication for this disorder. Well, about 9 months ago I "talked" my Pdoc (psychiatrist) into prescribing me Ritilin--to offset the side effects from one of my other meds. Basically it was to help me concentrate better and help with my cognition. Well....I knew, in the back of my mind, what the Ritilin could do for me and that was part of why I wanted to take it. It actually made me high. So, for the next 6 months I was on either Ritilin or Adderall or Focalin. They all made me feel "good". And, for the most part I was loving it. I was loving it too much. Along with the "high" feeling the medications were actually causing me to be depressed, moody, and suicidal. But, I couldn''t stop from taking them. I was a mess. At the time I was also mixing my sleeping medications too. Basically I was abusing my medications. About near the end of my drug eurphoria I was put on Wellbutrin. It didn't give me such a high and actually made me feel worse. SO, I came off of that and got terribly sick. I also came off all the other meds (Ritilin, Focalin, Adderall). I realized what a mess I had created and how it was affecting my family. I also finally realized that I am an addict. I am clean now and going to Narcotics Anonymous (NA) meetings and I have started doing the steps. I am looking for a sponsor and am more than willing to do all that is required of me so that I can get better. The hardest part of all of this has been to admit I am an addict and say it out loud. The other hard part is seeing the damage I have done on my relationship with Janell. We are working through all of this mess together. I am so grateful that she stayed with me and that we are doing this together. I am lucky to have stopped the drug abuse when I did. I could have lost everything. And, btw, I almost lost my job over my drug abuse. I just feel lucky to be where I am. It's been a long journey.

When I was driving to work this last week I could smell spring in the air. It reminded of when I was a kid. I always loved the day when we would go out into the yard with Mom and clean it up for spring. We would rake all of the old dead weeds, grass, etc into a pile and then the best part of all - we got to burn it!

I often things about things I want to write here but they never seem to make it from my thoughts to the written word. It seems like when I sit down to write all of the thoughts just fly out of my head.

It has been a rough 6 months around here. Some of Lisa's meds weren't playing nice with each other and there was some pretty big adjustments to be made. I will let her post more on details if she chooses - I think it wore us both out and now we are in the process of getting back on track.

I still have some fluctuation with my voice. I have to work harder to talk than I would like to but it is easier to get out understandable sound than it was before the surgery. I could probably benefit from a few sessions of speech therapy but, for now, am finding little things I need to do on my own to make it easier. It is really nice to be able to walk into a bank or order from a drive thru and be understood.

We went to the mall on Saturday to do a bit of shopping and maybe find some shoes. We went into Footlocker and had each found a fair of shoes we were interested in. About that time one of the workers walked by and made a comment to her co-workers about "homosexuals" and then found the need to repeat it. I couldn't even tell you what she said because she emphasized that one word so heavily. We looked at each other and decided we probably didn't need to buy shoes from there. I was actually a bit stunned because that has never happened to me before. I have had people look at me and I knew they knew I was a lesbian but never a situation where someone was so blatantly rude about it. I contemplated going back to the store, asking for the manager, and telling him/her they had just lost 2 sales and why. Still not sure if that is something I should have done. One thing I am sure of is that I will never buy another pair of shoes at Footlocker!

These are a Few of My Favorite Things

Kitty Cats

Popcorn

Sunshine on my face

The song of a meadow lark

The sound of rain

Motorcycle ride on a warm summer night with a full moon

A bubble bath

Lightening and thunder storms

Silence

A good book

About God(s?)

In many of the fantasy books I read there is more than one God, sometimes the Gods even work together, or consults with one another, when ruling their worlds. I started to think about this and wonder how it fits in with LDS doctrine. A saying often used in the church comes to mind, "As Man is, God once was - as God is, man may become." The belief is also that God is never ending. So - If God was once a man, He must have had a God. What happened to that God? Is He still ruling a world somewhere? If we are to become Gods (or Goddesses) our present God will still exist . . .right? How does this fit in with the belief that there is only one God? Does it mean one God for this world, or universe only? Is space, which is endless i suppose, filled with other worlds, universes, Gods? If not how will we, in turn, become Gods? If we do become Gods, will be still be accountable to our God?

Into the Wild

This is the title of the book I am reading. Below is a short synopsis of the story.

In April 1992 a young man from a well-to-do family hitchhiked to Alaska and walked alone into the wilderness north of Mt. McKinley. His name was Christopher Johnson McCandless. He had given $25,000 in savings to charity, abandoned his car and most of his possessions, burned all the cash in his wallet, and invented a new life for himself. Four months later, his decomposed body was found by a moose hunter. How McCandless came to die is the unforgettable story of Into the Wild.

The author traces the last year or so of Chris McCandless' life, and other *treks* he had taken, through interviews with people who met him and his own journals. He also tells stories of other people who have undertaken similar journeys.

In some ways I feel a jealousy of these people who were willing, or able, to just head out into the wilderness with only what they can carry on their back and to experience life in it's most basic form. I long to see places few people have seen, go places that will challenge me both physically and emotionally. No one to answer to, no schedules to keep, free to go where you want and when you want. I know in reality I need a place to call home, I need stability, security, I need to know I am going to be able to pay next months bills. So - where does this longing come from? Is it my alter ego? I have hardly made conventional choices in my life so it really can't be rebellion against the conventional. Maybe just longing for a younger body and to still have those options over to me.

I was having a fairly decent day today. I kept busy all morning, did the Mobia - my best stats ever, did my resistance bands. Roasted a chicken and made brown rice for dinner so Lisa wouldn't have to fix dinner before she went to class tonite, cleaned up the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, took care of all of the animals needs, read a bit in my book, found the information Lisa needed to install Microsoft office on her computer. I felt good when I came in to work, upbeat, listening to tunes and inputting information into the computer. One of the other women in the office walked up and said "Is your voice ever going to get any better?" Kind of took me by surprise. I told her it was getting stronger, she said "And you are supposed to go back on the phones on Sunday?" I told her that was the plan if some of the deputies went off light duty. I told her I could feel an improvement in my voice. She said "Well, I don't see any." Now I feel tired, worn out, uncertain and wish it was time to go home and crawl into bed.

The New Year has started off cold here. I am ready for the warm weather again. I am not sure it seems so much colder her at 40 than it does in Hatch when it is below zero. We spent Thanksgiving in Hatch with my family and it was -24 the first morning we were there. We had a really good trip. We ate lots of good food, did a bit of shooting - I had never shot skeet before so was pleasantly surprised when I was able to bring a few down. The day after Thanksgiving we went out to cut Christmas trees. There was quite a bit of snow but it was a fun trip. The day before we were going to leave my sis in law said my brother was looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I offered to buy his from him, he offered to give it to me and I agreed that was a price I could afford so we came home with a 42" flat screen TV. It is much nicer than the 19" traditional TV we have been using the last 2 years.

My voice is finally starting to get some volume back. I may still have to look into speech therapy but I have been pretty happy with it the last week or so. I was supposed to go back on the desk this week but there was an over abundance of deputies on light duty so I agreed to stay in records. At first the work there was mind numbingly boring but I have got so I don't mind doing it - maybe because I know it won't be forever. I just do my work and no one bothers me.

I have had a bit of trouble with depression since coming back from Thanksgiving. Part of it could be the menopause thing, I'm really not sure. Nothing I can't really deal with, just a bit more than I want to deal with. I am having a hard time getting motivated or finding much energy. One thing I have stayed faithful to is my exercise. One of my strategies for dealing with depression has always been to try and out run it. We bought a Nautilus Mobia and I get a really good workout on it. I have set some goals so I really push myself to reach, or exceed, them each time I work out. On the days I feel like I just can't do it I do it anyway and give myself a break with a lighter workout. I can read from my Sony Reader while I am on there so it helps the time go by fast. I have also started using my resistance bands and ab wheel again. I have been reading up on menopause and decided I needed to add some weights to my routine. Also, my older brother has had some real health problems this year and it has made me a bit more determined to take care of myself a bit better. I have done good keeping off the weight I lost while doing the HCG.