I was having a fairly decent day today. I kept busy all morning, did the Mobia - my best stats ever, did my resistance bands. Roasted a chicken and made brown rice for dinner so Lisa wouldn't have to fix dinner before she went to class tonite, cleaned up the kitchen, took the dog for a walk, took care of all of the animals needs, read a bit in my book, found the information Lisa needed to install Microsoft office on her computer. I felt good when I came in to work, upbeat, listening to tunes and inputting information into the computer. One of the other women in the office walked up and said "Is your voice ever going to get any better?" Kind of took me by surprise. I told her it was getting stronger, she said "And you are supposed to go back on the phones on Sunday?" I told her that was the plan if some of the deputies went off light duty. I told her I could feel an improvement in my voice. She said "Well, I don't see any." Now I feel tired, worn out, uncertain and wish it was time to go home and crawl into bed.

The New Year has started off cold here. I am ready for the warm weather again. I am not sure it seems so much colder her at 40 than it does in Hatch when it is below zero. We spent Thanksgiving in Hatch with my family and it was -24 the first morning we were there. We had a really good trip. We ate lots of good food, did a bit of shooting - I had never shot skeet before so was pleasantly surprised when I was able to bring a few down. The day after Thanksgiving we went out to cut Christmas trees. There was quite a bit of snow but it was a fun trip. The day before we were going to leave my sis in law said my brother was looking for an excuse to buy a new TV so I offered to buy his from him, he offered to give it to me and I agreed that was a price I could afford so we came home with a 42" flat screen TV. It is much nicer than the 19" traditional TV we have been using the last 2 years.

My voice is finally starting to get some volume back. I may still have to look into speech therapy but I have been pretty happy with it the last week or so. I was supposed to go back on the desk this week but there was an over abundance of deputies on light duty so I agreed to stay in records. At first the work there was mind numbingly boring but I have got so I don't mind doing it - maybe because I know it won't be forever. I just do my work and no one bothers me.

I have had a bit of trouble with depression since coming back from Thanksgiving. Part of it could be the menopause thing, I'm really not sure. Nothing I can't really deal with, just a bit more than I want to deal with. I am having a hard time getting motivated or finding much energy. One thing I have stayed faithful to is my exercise. One of my strategies for dealing with depression has always been to try and out run it. We bought a Nautilus Mobia and I get a really good workout on it. I have set some goals so I really push myself to reach, or exceed, them each time I work out. On the days I feel like I just can't do it I do it anyway and give myself a break with a lighter workout. I can read from my Sony Reader while I am on there so it helps the time go by fast. I have also started using my resistance bands and ab wheel again. I have been reading up on menopause and decided I needed to add some weights to my routine. Also, my older brother has had some real health problems this year and it has made me a bit more determined to take care of myself a bit better. I have done good keeping off the weight I lost while doing the HCG.

Follow Up Appt

I had my first follow up appointment today. The Dr said things look well but I need to start taking the nexium. He said he saw some red in my throat - that might account for the slight sore throat I always seem to have. I had stopped taking it after about 4 days because I thought it was making it so I couldn't sleep at night. Now I'm not sure it was the nexium because I am still not sleeping well. I know part of it has to do with increased hot flashes - those things are miserable.

I went into the station today to see about going back to work. I have enjoyed being home so much these last 3 weeks. I love being able to cook dinner and be here with everyone at night. I am tempted to take another month off but I don't want to burn all of my leave time so I will go back to work on Monday.

When I was out and about today I realized that it is a bit overwhelming and intimidating for me to be in open spaces. When I am home I am comfortable talking to Lisa and the kids because I can go right up to them so I don't have to try and talk louder than I can. When I was at the station this morning, and at the beach later in the day, I realized how hard it is for me to talk out in open spaces with noise distractions. I have to remember to just talk at a level that is comfortable and if I have to get closer to someone so they can hear me then I will just have to go closer. I think I am going to be way frustrated with this before it gets better. The last thing I want to do now is acquire a bunch of bad speaking habits by trying to talk louder than I can.

I am doing better each day. My ability to swallow solid food is fairly good but my ability to swallow liquids comes and goes. On a really good day I can take sips of water with only moderate concentration and sips of nectar with mild concentration. What I wouldn't give to be able to just chug a glass of ice cold water!

My voice is still very hoarse and every now and then I get a hint of the breathiness I was told would follow but still no spasms. I was searching for a bowflex treadclimber for us and got a bit carried away and called one of the sellers. I think my voice startled him a bit, there was some stammering and stuttering while he tried to decide if it was a prank call or not so I decided maybe I should let Lisa make phone calls to strangers for awhile.

My energy level is slowing returning. I have started walking again every day. Not as far and fast as I was pre-surgery but I increase it a bit each day. I am loving this fall weather, even the wind felt good to me this morning. I was disappointed then the Dr told me no vigorous exercise for 2 weeks but am realizing that it would be impossible anyway.

When I came home if I had been asked if the surgery was worth it my answer would have been an unequivocal NO! Today my answer would be - yes, it was worth it but I am so glad I don't have to make the choice to repeat it.

When I came home I was 11 lbs lighter than when I went in for surgery. I expect a great deal of that is water weight but I hope to be able to keep some of it off. Lisa and I have both done well making healthier eating choices since the HCG diet. Right now I am down about 16 lbs from when I started the diet, it's nice to have my clothes fit looser and the eating part really hasn't been a challenge.

The Surgery

I checked into UCLA Medical Center just before 9:00 AM on Tuesday, October 19 and went in for surgery around 11:30. I don't remember what time they started bringing me around but I believe it was around 5:00 PM. I don't remember much other than that my throat was really sore and heavily bandaged. When they got me settled Lisa came to the room and said she had talked to Dr. Berke and he said the surgery had went well. When I went in he was unsure if he would be able to do the bilateral surgery or have to settle for unilateral due to possible scar tissue from my previous thyroplasty 2 surgeries. Even though the recovery time is longer for the bilateral that was my choice if he could do it - I didn't want to have to have any re-dos.

I was feeling fairly good until around 7:00 when I asked for pain medication. They put it into my IV, Lisa helped me to the bathroom and I was immediately nauseous and barely made it back to the bed. I don't know if it was the pain medication or the anesthesia but I was sicker than sick for the next 36 hours. Swallowing was a huge challenge, I knew I would never get a vicodin down so they brought me some liquid tylenol with codeine, the first tiny sip I took of it I almost drowned myself. My nurse mixed it with applesauce for me - that is how I took all pills for the next 2 days. Everything I ate made me deathly ill. It's a good thing they were still pumping fluids into me because I couldn't drink anything. They told me I wouldn't be able to go home until I could eat and drink thickened liquids on my own so that became my goal. It felt like every swallow that went down stuck just below my breast bone and went no further - every tiny movement made me want to throw up but I didn't have anything to throw up and was afraid if I did I would split my throat incision open. I prayed, I meditated, I conjured up and relived every good childhood memory I could think of. I thought of thing my Mom had gone through with heart surgery, my brother with his recent liver and kidney problems, my 2 uncles with their cancer treatments and knew if they could do it then I could too.

What Am I?

I can't really be called middle aged because most people don't live to be 106 - on the other hand I don't feel like I qualify for elderly either so, what am I?

The "Talk" and Other Stuff

I have spent two days reading the uproar following the conference talk by BKP. I think what I feel is more of a sadness than outrage or anger. It makes me sad to know that most of my family listened to the talk and I wonder what affect it had on them. My relationship with my family has been so good through out all of this. No one has ever made me feel like I just didn't try hard enough - if anything I have been harder on myself in that area than my family has. I worry about the effect this talk will have on gay friends I love who are trying to remain in the church, those who are already struggling with guilt over who they are. I remember when I used to listen to GC, I used to cringe when BKP would get up to talk. I guest mostly, and I feel a bit selfish even saying this, I am glad I am at a place in my life where this doesn't have the ability to send me off into despair the way it once would.

I know I have mentioned this before but - I love where we live. I love watching the fields as they go through a crop cycle. I love it that I can tell what is being harvested as I ride by on my motorcycle. In June the air smelled like strawberries, lately it has smelled like peppers, not sure what kind but it's a red pepper that is used to make hot sauce. I also see fields of butternut squash almost ready to harvest. It amazes me that they grow several different crops on the same plot of land throughout the year. Once one harvest done the field is plowed under and the cycle starts all over again.

I am going to have to dig out some of my old hobbies. With Lisa gone working during the day I find myself not knowing what to do so I have a tendency to just sleep or lay on the bed. I will have to go back to making quilts or even cross stitching! One of the side effects of the HCG I really miss is the energy the drops gave me.

2 weeks from tomorrow is my surgery. That means I have to stop taking everything that could possibly act as a blood thinner, aspirin, excedrin, advil, vitamin e, etc. I try to think about the surgery a bit every day but not so much that I freak out about it. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for the recovery period which, I fear, is going to be much longer, harder, and frustrating than I want it to be.